The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5

Sorry we missed last week but the thing is that we don’t actually owe you shit! ANYWAY, this week was highly illuminating – I actually feel like I got a better idea of who these men are and I started developing some clear favorites. Turns out a lot of them are trash, though! As if…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 3

If the brutal separation of screaming children from their terrified asylum-seeking parents isn’t enough to make you hate Donald J. Trump, surely his habitual interruptions of The Bachelorette will do the trick. Seriously, motherfucker, interrupt my broadcast one more goddamn time and…… well, I’ll angrily blog about you to my meager following of readers. Hillary…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 2

Hey idk if you guys know this but last season Becca was dumped by a guy named Arie who somehow manages to look like a gangly teenager and a senior citizen at the same time. If you didn’t hear then don’t worry because ABC will be reminding us every episode down to bringing in the…

The Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

Y’all ready for another season of formulaic emotional manipulation? Let’s do the damn thing! Remember how awful the ending of last season was? And how we all started to question how we could watch something so exploitative and humiliating? Well, ABC really heard our feedback. It’s clear that they understand that they went too far…

The Bachelor Recap: Finale

Former okay race car driver Arie Luyendyk Jr. is on a Carnival Cruise. Among fellow Arizonans who split their vacation time between Disney World, the rest of Florida, and cruises, he is right where he should be. He spends his first day on board pointing over the side of the ship and saying, “Wow, dolphins!”…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 8

Apologies for no recap last week, I was on vacation and blissfully free from a 3 episode per week bachelor frenzy. (What, did anyone think I was above watching Bachelor Winter Games? Because I’m not). Now that I’m back to having no life, let’s recap  this SOB. Kendall is somehow in final four and I…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 6

Okay don’t fight me, but I think I like Arie’s season. Sure, he may not be “interesting” or “young” or “above a 6” but at least he can (usually) form coherent sentences and doesn’t try to talk about Jesus every episode. (You know who you are). I guess, as in life, my bar for my…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

WOAHHH, we’re half way there. I was feeling too lazy to recap this episode but then Krystal said so much delusional shit that I couldn’t help myself. This means I didn’t take notes, unfortunately, and the Bachelor is sort of like waking up from a bad dream in that I immediately forget everything that happened…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 4

Tonight was a hard L for us as an audience as we’re forced to keep watching an increasingly insufferable Krystal in place of homies Brittany and Caroline. I have to hand it to the producers, though, for getting me riled up every year by another villain expressly there for the purpose of riling me up.…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 3

I spent the weekend correcting the minutiae of footnote citations in a law journal, so when Monday night rolled around I was fuckin’ pumped to turn my brain off. I went into my apartment building’s dope ass screening room and spent a glorious two hours watching The Bachelor on a 70” plasma screen, an experience…

The Bachelor Recap: Episode 2

Who knew the most challenging part of Dry January would be making it through the Bachelor without a bottle glass of wine? Not I, folks, not I. If I hear one more contestant gush about Arie’s “pillowy lips” I will kill myself. We open on a shot of a falcon as Arie stands over a…

The Bachelor: Premiere

The Bachelor is back for another season and Drunk & Hungry is here to guide you through the nonsense! Please join us on this #AmazingJourney. So…….I’m still trying really hard to get used to Arie as our lead. I didn’t start watching the show until Juan Pablo’s season (remember how fucking great Juan Pablo’s season…

Cream of the Crop: Bachelor Contestants

I know we’re all still reeling from the shit storm that was Bachelor In Paradise this year and the moronic and devastating decision by ABC to pick a five-seasons-ago-has-been instead of a man chiseled by the gods, Peter Gap-Tooth (that’s his last name I checked). I’m not even going to mention He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named because it will…

BIP Finale: IDGAF

You guys. This was the finale! We’re done! This is spring semester senior year and I am phoning it in. How much of this feature length film of an episode could I have skipped if we didn’t recap things I’ve already watched and preview things I’m about to watch? Chris Harrison approaches the “couples” to…

BIP Recap: Episode 7

Damn, are we about ready to call it? These episodes are making me, a viewer, stir-crazy, and I’m not the one stuck on a fifty foot beach with a man who nicknamed himself “tickle monster.” Maybe it’s that after the shut down there were only ten days to film. Maybe it’s the complete 180 of…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 6

Back in Paradise, Christen is apparently “in on the joke” about eating shellfish with her hands, we STILL are not seeing a rose ceremony, and Daniel has arrived. Lacey is SO excited to see Daniel, like definitely more excited than anyone has ever been to see Daniel in his life. She calls him “witty” and…

Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 5

Tonight in Purgatory, we watch a newcomer get bullied for eating seafood with her fingers, which is different I guess. We watch approximately seventeen different “love triangles” NOT unfold because these trash men can’t make a decision to save their lives. And we learn that even our dearest Wells can’t make us like puppets. At…

Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Episode 3

Last night on Bachelor In Paradise, Trump interrupted my DVR recording (making this recap extra late) and too-pure-for-this-world Kristina had her heart broken by one of our faves Lil Deanie Baby.* What is left to live for? *Side note: I literally just got that Deanie Baby is a play on Beanie Baby and am now…

The Bachelorette Recap: Finale

The grand finale. Where Eric inevitably gets sent home because she just wasn’t that into him, Rachel and Peter inevitably break up, and Bryan inevitably proposes with a giant Neil Lane rock. The only surprise here was that rather than having Rachel come out on After The Final Rose, she’ll be watching and reflecting throughout…

The Bachelorette Recap: Men Tell All

It’s a week before the finale and the men have officially told all! Our faves and least faves returned to the stage last night for a serious airing of grievances, now with 100% more racial tension! Chris Harrison introduced each man individually, which is always fun because some of them get booed and some get…

The Bachelorette: Episode 9

Let’s make this short and sweet bc I got places to be and naps to nap. This week on The Bachelorette Rachel introduced her three remaining suitors (can we even call Peter a suitor anymore when he’s lukewarm at best?) to her family because her sister is 8 months pregnant and wasn’t missing this shit.…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 8

This season’s hometowns episode featured a converted Sikh man banging a gong and a borderline psychopathic Cuban mother threatening to murder our Bachelorette. Let’s. Get. Into. It. Eric’s hometown is up first and……….YOU GUYS……..I fucking love Eric. Rachel meets him in Baltimore and he shows her around the city a bit. Eric has this really…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 7

The good news is that this is the last episode before hometowns, and the last time we have to pretend sweet Matt and his receding hair line have any remaining shot with Rachel. The bad news is that I think I’ve conditioned myself into a Pavlov’s dog situation with the Bachelor and brie cheese. I…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 6

I’ll do my best to recap this episode even though I literally fell asleep twice trying to watch it. I blame it partially on a tasty bottle of Rosé and partially on the mid-season blues, which we are now in the thick of. It occurs every year when the bigger personalities/characters have left (not referring…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 5

This week, we return to find our heroine, Rachel, accompanied by her pack of hunky dum-dums in South Carolina. Lee is stirring up drama like a giant bitch, while Rachel ignores him to canoodle on a boat with Bryan and live her best dang life. It’s crazy that we’re still in the middle of the…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 4

It really feels like forever since the show has been on! I definitely forgot where we left off, and was bummed when I was reminded that it was with Lee being a fuckstick. I really, really hate him and I hate that this fight has been characterized as some sort of mutual drama, when it’s…

The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 3

This episode was just ridiculously jam packed – by the end of it, I had forgotten that the whole Demario incident occurred in the same episode. Just…..so many man fights. Demario jumpstarted the dramatic foolishness of this episode in the very first minute, when he showed up to beg for Rachel’s forgiveness. He gave her…