It’s that time of year again! No, I’m not referring to Christmas, but rather that glorious time of year where our televisions are graced with the tears of 25-30 ridiculously hot women, and eventually, the tears of one almost inhumanly attractive man (lookin’ at you Ben H.) It’s bachelor time! And if you need to whine about how The Bachelor is stupid and not real, or ask, like my dad so eloquently grumbles at me every year, “Why do you watch that crap?” my fellow writer has a great response here. As always, ABC has given us a little sneak peek into the intellect and wit of this year’s contestants by asking deep and meaningful questions like, “If you could be one fruit or vegetable, which one would you be?” Here are some of the winners and losers of this year’s survey answers.
Amanda, Age 25, Esthetician
If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings? I would buy a big house by the beach and adopt babies and dogs.
Sigh. It’s a good thing you’re pretty Amanda. I really like how she talks about babies as an accessory that she will purchase with her lottery millions. You know that’s not how you get babies right ‘manda? Unless she’s gonna buy them on the baby black market. Also, does she realize that the babies grow up into people? TBD, but she has two daughters already and I’m a little concerned.
Do you have fear of aging, and are you doing anything to prevent it? Yes, I use an anti-aging skincare line, always wear sunscreen and get botox.
I’m pretty surprised that they asked this question, which is actually kind of poignant since so many of these contestants go under the knife. It’s alarming to me how many things she does at AGE 25 to prevent aging but I at least give her credit for answering honestly. Is that how these people are so hot? Do I need to start my botox injections now??? Someone help me?
Amber, age 30, Bartender
Ugh really Amber, you came back? Returning for a third bachelor show is getting dangerously close to the notoriety of Chris Bukowski and Clare idk her last name, and unsurprisingly, it never ends well. Amber seems like a sweet girl so I’ll chalk this one up to the irresistibility of Ben H. If I had a chance I can’t say I’d turn it down.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be? A zookeeper. I would love to be around the different animals and watch how they live.
Really? If you could be ANYONE for ONE DAY you would clean up monkey shit???? You could have said a fucking zoologist or vet or someone who actually studies animals, Amber. But I have good news for you, if you go down to your local zoo and fill out an application, this dream could actually be within your reach.
Emily, Age 22, Twin
I swore I wasn’t going to write about every contestant but I just can’t with these. Twin?? That is what you do for a living? Do you perform in carnival freak shows together? Or oh wait do you just exploit being hot twins to get on reality tv and never get real jobs? K the second one makes more sense.
It was really hard to only pick one stupid quote from Emily.
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list? To be in New York on New Year’s Eve to watch the ball drop and see all the people!
Travel to unique places out of the country and do crazy things like bungee jump, zip line, and adventure around and make unforgettable memories.
Go to Six Flags and ride every single ride!
First of all, you just named like six things. Second, I never understood people with “bucket list” items that you can just go do. It’s called a bucket list because it’s crazy stuff to do before you kick the bucket AKA die! Just pick a random Saturday and spend the day at six flags Emily!!
Haley, Age 22, Twin
All-Time Favorite Movies: Just Go With It, We Bought a Zoo, Dear John
I just had to include this because it’s the worst favorite movie list I’ve ever seen. Although I did kind of lol at Just Go With It not gonna lie.
What are five things you can’t live without? Cell phone, spray tan, chap stick, my dogs, my family
In that order, I hope.
Isabel “Izzy,” Age 24, Graphic Designer
This chick seemed cool and almost smart and then she said this:
What is your all-time favorite book and why? Honestly, I don’t love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages of 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie.
Okay, you don’t like to read. Just leaving it at that would have been a better answer. Come on!!! Like lie at least!! Pick any other book that you have ever heard of, rather than half of Fifty Shades of Grey! If Ben picks you and you guys get married he is probably going to read this answer and divorce you.
Jami, Age 23, Bartender
Finally I like one!!
Favorite Music: Drake (Canadian and a sweetheart), Lil Wayne (he seems very smart with his raps), Beyonce (because she is a goddess)
I have no issues with this.
All-Time Favorite Movies: Stepbrothers, The Hangover, Clueless
Yes. I’m not even kidding this might be the first one I’ve read that didn’t include The Notebook.
What is your all-time favorite book and why? Arthur Miller’s The Crucible. It’s a play, but it taught me a lot about how much one action can affect so many people.
See, Izzy? All you had to do was pick a random book you didn’t hate in high school and repeat your thesis sentence from the paper you had to write on it!
Do you have a fear of aging, and are you doing anything to prevent it? Nope. I think wrinkles just show how much you’ve lived.
Yes, Jami! Will you accept my rose?
Lace, Age 25, Real Estate Agent
What is your most embarrassing moment? When I had a guy I liked over for drinks and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it. We couldn’t even talk we were laughing so hard!
This response is giving me a lot of secondhand anxiety and I feel like she must be pretty hot because if this happened to me I don’t think the guy and I would be LOLing over it I’m pretty sure I’d cry and he’d run away. But props to her for being secure enough to admit that she shits, and doesn’t flush, on the internet.
Lauren H., Age 25, Kindergarten Teacher
If you could go anywhere in the U.S., where would you go and why? California – because that’s where The Bachelor mansion is. 🙂
Girl, relax. You are already on the show. This is going to be the creepy obsessive girl who gives Ben a scrapbook filled with poems on the first night.
What is your most embarrassing moment? OMG, embarrassing stuff happens to me so much! The other day my boss was asking what Pinterest was and I pulled mine up to see what it was like – and there was all of this wedding stuff!! He was like, “Um, do you even have a boyfriend?” 😦
Where do you see yourself in five years? Ah, I’ll be 30!! FML. Hopefully married! And either thinking about babies or with one or two already.
Wait, Lauren, do you like, want to get married or something? Also is clearly the kindergarten teacher who continues to talk to people like kindergarteners outside the classroom.
Maegan, Age 30, Cowgirl
What is a typical Saturday night like for you? Sitting on the back patio with my sister, BBQ’ing and drinking some beers. My mini-horse and chocolate lab always hang with us too.
Ok then. Points for having a mini horse.
If you wanted to approach a man you had never met before, how would you go about it? Shoot, I do this all the time! It’s called you walk up and ask the guy a question. It’s not rocket science. PS – Ass grabbing always works great!
Soo you’re on this season to be the resident tough cowgirl chick and will be kicked off right around the sixth episode. Got it.
Mandi, Age 28, Dentist
SHE’S AN ACTUAL DENTIST! NOT A HYGENIST!!!
What would an ex say are your three worst attributes? Have a tendency to drink too much, independent – do what I want, opinionated.
Wow I actually really like this question! And I like that she seems honest. I always have a soft spot for the drinkers and my ex would definitely say the same thing. Here’s hoping she gets trashed the first night.
If you could be any animal, which one would you be and why? A free-range chicken, because they do whatever they want and lay delicious eggs.
Uh, I think you need to watch Food Inc. again Mandi. Free Range is a lie!! Also, she does know that chickens don’t eat their own eggs right? Right??
Samantha, Age 26, Attorney
If you wanted to really impress a man, what would you do and why? I would hope that just being myself and spending quality time would be enough. If he is the right man for me, I shouldn’t have to work so hard to impress him.
Amen. Thank you, Samantha! Please take this level-headedness and acknowledgement that it is a two-way street into your season and I bet you go far.
Tiara, 26, Chicken Enthusiast
What is your guiltiest pleasure of any kind? Chickens. If I see chickens anywhere, I want to stop and hold them.
Apparently, having the cowgirl on wasn’t enough weird for the producers, so they found this bitch. Who knew that chickens could be filed under the guilty pleasure category? Does she own them, eat them, sell them? We’re about to find out! This season on The Bachelor…!