Bachelor Recap: Episode 1

The most dramatic, controversial, and widely-anticipated season of The Bachelor premiered last night to the collective oohs and aahs of middle-aged housewives ’round the world. Though I personally found it to be a mediocre premiere, one thing did not disappoint. I’m gonna go ahead and call it, Ben Higgins is the hottest bachelor we’ve seen, hands down. I started watching at Jason Mesnick’s season, so I’m going to disregard all the bachelors before him, but I can assume they didn’t hold a candle to Ben’s pearly whites and dark brows. Before I make this a 5 page tribute to Ben, let’s deconstruct the episode!

 

Ben’s Intro

Screen Shot 2016-01-05 at 5.20.21 PMProducers: “Okay Ben, now we’re going to get an artsy shot of the sun shining through your armpit. Totes instagramming this.”

Ben, unsurprisingly, played football and basketball and was an all around star/stud in high school. Definitely would’ve tried to bang high school Ben.

Sorry, but why are we spending the already unnecessary five minutes of this intro in Warsaw, Indiana? Not once are we even talking about Denver, the place he actually lives and will force his future ex-girlfriend to move to despite whatever her personal career and aspirations are. This town is giving me flashbacks/PTSD to Chris Soules’ town where their Friday night entertainment was going to the football game like two towns away. I’m trying to imagine them filming in my hometown if I was going to be the bachelorette. They’d be like who is dis bitch? Did she even go here?

Ben’s parents are cute. They are so excited that their son is seeking a spouse on national television that they are literally crying. When I half jokingly told my parents that I was going to apply to be on the Bachelor my dad said he would cut me out of their will. So.

Here’s Ben as a silver fox like his dad:

Screen Shot 2016-01-05 at 6.13.05 PM

(I guess I was pretty bored today.)

Also, sorry but where was Ben shirtless in this intro??? Did I miss it??

Ah now the former bachelors are here to give Ben advice about kissing girls teehee! Jason Mesnick was on this show like ten years ago and picked the wrong girl at the finale, and Chris Soules broke up with Whitney after like two weeks for a DWTS pro named Whitney…why are these two here? JP must not have been available. Unsurprisingly, the most interesting thing during this exchange is the growing sweat stains on each of them. You’re in Cali guys wear a t-shirt.

Screen Shot 2016-01-05 at 5.30.27 PM“Make out with each and every girl Ben, especially if the others are watching.”

Not into guy on guy stuff but possibly could be if it involved Ben H. and Chris Soules.

 

Girl Intros

Caila: Broke up with her former boyfriend after seeing Ben on television. Seems totally sane.

Jubilee: She is a war veteran, which I’m pretty sure is a first in bachelor contestants. I hope she kicks ass in all the weird group date obstacle courses and also maybe beats up one of the girls? Too much? Hot and has potential to be first black girl to get past episode 5.

Twins: I refuse to call them by their names until they differentiate themselves as individual people. Everything you guys think you are doing that is cute is exactly the opposite.

Amanda: MILF with a baby voice. Looks like Barbie. Will go far and use the word “amazing” a lot.

Tiara: “I’ve never been away from my chickens for more than 10 days.” It is so surprising to me that you’re single.

 

Limo Arrivals

“Can I get a hug?”

Honestly I’ve missed Chris Harrison in my life so much. Seeing him on three shows a year seriously just isn’t enough.

Have I just grown accustomed to the crazies or was there less dancing/singing/weirdness going on this year than usual? Only like 3 people dressed in costume.

Here are the worst most memorable intros:

Jami: “Ben I heard you have a big………….heart.”

Ben: “Ha.”

How great would it have been if she had started this sentence and he had just gone with it and said “DICK!” like immediately

Samantha: “I just found out on the way over here that I passed the bar!” Uh, no you def didn’t find that out on the way over here. Stop bragging.

Gluten girl: I’m too lazy to look up her name and it’s really insignificant because you were obviously eliminated after your introduction move was THROWING BREAD ON THE GROUND. Who did you run this idea by that said it was good? Who? “Ok, I got it Mom! I’ll bring a basket of bread and then we will hit the sidewalk with the bread because I don’t eat gluten and that’s the most important and memorable thing about me! That’ll show him how quirky and fun I am!” Seriously wtf.

Tiara: “This is just like Disneyland!” How is this in any way like Disneyland Tiara? Oh remember that ride where 28 girls get on and try and have sex with the same guy? To be fair I thought she was going to say something about chickens but I guess she at least has the self-awareness to not bring up poultry in her first introduction.

Jackie: Jackie decided to make wedding invitations for her and Ben’s future nuptials! Girls, this is a great way to get guys. When I meet a guy I like, I immediately go home and print up wedding invites to show him on the first date. They always get a real kick out of that one.

Mandi: Comes out as gigantic rose. In response, Amanda says, “It’s a bold move. I mean, I would never do it.” Translation: Mandi you look like a huge loser. However, this is not even the dumbest thing Mandi does all evening so we’ll cut her some slack for now.

Becca: Becca and Amber walk in and Chris Harrison immediately brings up Becca’s virginity. “So Becca, do you think Ben H., the guy you haven’t met yet, could be the one to make you bleed on the sheets?”

 

Cocktail Party

Uh-oh, Lace is the bad girl! She picks the least attractive girl in the room to be her sidekick for the night so she can talk shit about Lauren B’s A-cups.

Screen Shot 2016-01-05 at 5.58.05 PMLace, assuming she was the hottest girl there, sees Becca come in.

Then she tries to kiss Ben, he refuses, gets interrupted, talks to her again only to tell her that he still refuses to kiss her. Lace’s response: “Ben pulled me aside to talk. Specifically me. And he just told me that like people are being shady.” She does know that their convos are recorded right? We just watched it Lace and that’s not what he said!

Meanwhile Mandi thinks to herself, “Looks like Ben didn’t really go for the giant rose on my head. Time to pull out plan B and give him a dental exam!” before literally pulling out dental tools and putting them in his mouth. So sexy. I know every time I’m at the dentist having my mouth pried open by various metal instruments, all I can think about is how turned on I am. I can only imagine how much better it would me if it was a random stranger doing it to me on a couch at a cocktail party.

Screen Shot 2016-01-05 at 6.04.06 PM

Olivia, the hot anchor woman who looks like a snake, gets the first impression rose. She looks kind of evil but I’m just glad it wasn’t Lace. First pick would’ve been that he gave it to one of the twins after talking to them only as a pair for the entire evening.

 

Rose Ceremony

Seriously how does Ben remember all these name? Does he use the House Bunny name game? Natalie! Or just pick Lauren every other name and hope it’s a hot one?

Cowgirl and chicken enthusiast both go home, much to the producers chagrin, so they make Ben keep Lace, the hot but crazy bitch.

Lace comes up to Ben, AFTER RECEIVING A ROSE, to complain about the lack of eye contact he gave her during the rose ceremony. Whoever marries this girl, she seems like an absolute peach. Seriously though, I get major Britt vibes from her, as in the super hot girl who is used to getting all the attention and freaks out when she doesn’t get it. But at least Britt was smart enough to get Chris hooked first, and didn’t reveal her true colors on NIGHT ONE! Good luck Lace, because it looks like Ben already hates you.

Frontrunners this week:

Jojo: Despite coming in with a unicorn head, Jojo actually pulls off the fun quirky vibe so many of the girls try too hard to achieve. Her down-to-earth, no-drama attitude was also a refreshing change of pace from Lace and the other girls freaking the fuck out.

Lauren B.: Did you see that beach bod? Cute girl next door with a slamming body and great dress. Win, win, win. Ben seemed to have a good convo with her, she had the first intro on the show and was first out of the limo. All good signs that she will go far.

Olivia: Easy pick as first impression rose winner. Super attractive and Ben seems really into her.

 

Quote of the week:

“How do you beat twins? With a fucking mini-horse, that’s how!”

-Megan aka Cowgirl, who goes home night 1 and beats neither twin

 

Next Week’s drinking game:

Drink everytime:

Lace talks shit about someone

Lace mentions how hot she is

Someone is threatened by Becca or Amber

The twins say anything simultaneously

The twins wear matching outfits

Amanda talks about her kids

Someone cries

The girls scream at Ben’s general presence

Anyone talks about their ex

Kaitlyn gets brought up

Ben mentions that his future wife could be in this room

Anyone refers to the show as a “journey”

Anytime someone says the word “amazing”

 

Take a shot if:

A girl gets really drunk

Ben mentions God or his faith

Olivia gets another date rose

A girl (already) says she could see herself falling in love with Ben

A girl (already) talks shit about another girl to Ben

 

Until next week!

 

 

 

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