Episode 2 of this season was a classically predictable, borderline boring installment of The Bachelor. We open with one of the twins stating “Ben is the greatest bachelor on the planet of history.” Well then, moving on.
I hate nothing more about this show than when they have all the women stand on a balcony and yell something in unison – this time it was “Ben, we’re coming for you!” but I still can’t shake Clare Crawley yelling “HOLA, MEJICO!” on Bachelor in Paradise.
Next, we move on to a gratuitous shot of Ben putting on his pants. Why? Also, I’m pretty shocked they didn’t beef Ben up for this season. He obviously looks fine as is, but they usually slap a set of quick, six-week abs on these dudes before sending them out on the prowl.
The first group date is upon us, bachelor nation! Of course Lace is chosen for this one, because she proved so well last week that she plays well with others. The date is at a fake high school where Chris Harrison is the principal who makes a lot of boner jokes. Ahh, memories.
The girls are tasked with “making Ben’s volcano explode” (ummm) and placing Indiana on a map. The state placement was pretty bad, but I can’t help but think it would have been worse if this was The Bachelorette and we had male contestants. Those personal trainers are always such dodos. This competition ultimately comes down to a LITERAL FOOT RACE WITH HURDLES and Mandi kicks Amber’s ass because she’s roughly a foot taller than her. I’d be out of there in a second; if you’re really supposed to be my soulmate, Ben, you would never force me to exercise.
Mandi’s prize is getting to be Ben’s homecoming queen and Ben looks visibly disappointed that he has to hang out with her and give up his varsity letterman jacket. She gets kicked off the show shortly after. You win some, you lose some.
During the cocktail party, we catch a rare glimpse of food – there is a cheese plate on the table! I know what I would be busy doing while all the other girls practice saying “can I steal you for a minute?” in the mirror.
Becca and Ben share a genuinely sweet, natural moment playing basketball in the yard. Then he shares a passionate smooch with Jennifer and Lace reacts like this:
Jubilee’s body is on another level. The fact that she can wear these suuuuuper unforgiving clingy dresses and still look 100 is beyond me. Also, she’s strikingly normal and has a really amazing background – she was born in Haiti, orphaned, adopted, and then enlisted in the army and went to fucking war. What a Bachelor backstory! I’m really rooting for her, and not just because I wanna continue drooling over her slinky cocktail dresses.
Lace keeps talking about how she’s not crazy but I think we all know what that means.
Jojo is a lil peach with a good attitude and Ben rewards her by bringing her to the roof so she can show off her sideboob to all of L.A.
Now it’s time for Caila’s one-on-one date! I’m still reeling from when she leaped into Ben’s arms coming out of the limo, but she’s on my fantasy team so I’m rooting for her as hard as I can. Things improve when we find out that Ice Cube and Kevin Hart are here to join the date (aka shamelessly promote their movie)!!! Kevin Hart makes short jokes and Ice Cube is like “today was a good day” and then Ben utters the funniest sentence I’ve ever heard on The Bachelor or any of its spin offs: “Ice Cube is trying to get me to buy condoms and hard liquor.”
Anyway, somehow they end up in a hot tub store and we catch a glimpse of Ben’s heinous rib cage tattoo. Then ABC promotes another no-name artist that they all pretend to know and love. Overall, this was a decent date that earned me some solid fantasy league points.
The next group date was uncomfortable from start to finish. We begin with another great quote from one of the Doublemint Twins: “I don’t know much about science. I’m not very smart.” Yikes.
“Dr. Love” (not Gene Simmons) shows the women pictures of babies and diamonds and follows their retinas to see which one their eyes go to first. Is this a fucking joke? Then, in a classic dating move, Ben puts on a mask and follows Dr. Love’s orders to sniff around the women’s hips, saying words like “beachy, floral, tampons.” He says Sam smells “sour,” much to the delight of Olivia, who is turning out to be a real prize (sarcasm). Ben doesn’t notice she’s a douche and gives her the group date rose, even after having a genuinely sweet conversation with Amanda about her being a MILF, err I mean *mother* to two very special little girls! Amanda is sad and starts wondering why she even worked this hard to take off the baby weight.
The next cocktail party (these episodes last for an eternity) brings us real gem conversations like these:
“WAZZUUUUUUUP” – Ben, forgetting that it’s not 1998 for a second.
“You hiked the football to me.” – Ben
“Yeah, I did.”- Leah
“Sorry I’m so crazy” – Lace
“It’s okay, I just…” – Ben
“Do you understand some people get more overwhelmed than others?” – Lace
“Yeah, definitely, I really…” – Ben
“I was dorky looking when I was a kid. Can I tell you one picture? I had these, like, double bangs.” – Lace, whose ability to speak English I am increasingly skeptical of. Is it just me, or is she the real-life version of Cecily Strong’s character, “girl you wish you hadn’t started a conversation with at a party?”
Ben makes fucking hair barrettes for Amanda’s daughters and she (justifiably) cries. This is what dreams are made of!
The rose ceremony is blah, save for LB’s departure. Ben is like “Will you accept this rose?” and she’s all like, “Nah.” Then he sends Sam home because she smells sour. Mandi goes home, which I’m fine with because she’s weird, but she *literally* jumped hurdles for that dude this week. Shit sucks, Mandi! Lace is intentionally being kept around by the producers because her downward spiral is fascinating to watch. Based on the preview for the rest of the season, it looks like she might end up socking Leah in the face later on, so that will be cool.
Overall, this season is a bit of a snooze so far, right? Stay tuned for next week, D&H readers!