Bachelor Recap: Episode 3

This was a particularly juicy episode, so let’s get down to business.

We open with a great Olivia shit-talking session, featuring Amanda and Lauren B., which really sets the tone for this catty-as-fuck episode. God, I cannot imagine what it would be like if cameras captured every shitty thing you said about another person. I would be fucked.

Jubilee says that if she gets the first one-on-one date, it will be the “happiest moment of my life.” What??????? Girl, I know your life got off to a bumpy start, but that is an alarming sentiment.

Lauren B. gets the one-on-one and it’s predictably a nice lil airplane date where Lauren overcomes her fear of heights even though she’s a flight attendant. Oy. Anyway, she manages to deal with her inhibitions long enough to fly over the bachelor mansion as the other women watch and wish they were dead. They end the date in a randomly placed jacuzzi and Lauren looks really good in her bathing suit. She talks about how her dad loves his yard and it’s like wow does he also like ties and grilling? BORING. These two are perfect for each other.

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Yawn.

Flash back to the bachelor mansion and these literal perfect 10s are all crying about how their life means nothing if Ben doesn’t like them. As much as I like to poke fun at these women, I also wish they would recognize that they are people with real lives and intrinsic worth. I just wish they wouldn’t base it all on whether or not they get chosen for a one-on-one date to a fake staged concert where they’re forced to slow dance to some shit that no one has ever heard of.

“What does life look like for you?” is my favorite Ben date question since “What’s your favorite color?”

Soccer group date!!!!!!!!!! Flashbacks to Juan Pablo’s season. Ahh, simpler times. Bring back Sharleen and Kelly the dog lover, plz.

Both twins are on this group date, because ABC does NOT want us to be able to tell them apart. Also, Alex Motherfucking Morgan is in the Motherfucking HOUSE! She’s here to teach the girls how to play soccer with their hair down and full face of makeup done. I love when they have physical challenges for Ben’s affection because these women have no motor skills.

Emily (or is it Haley?) is upset that Lace and Amber are talking about Olivia’s fat toes, but still wants us to know that she thinks Olivia’s boobs are fake and her breath smells. What a time to be alive. Jami decides to rat them out to Olivia and tells her they’ve been saying mean things about her appearance, to which Olivia confidently replies “Let me guess, it’s my calves. My cankles?” Then we get this gem from her side commentary: “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah.” WHAT IN GOD’S NAME AM I WATCHING RIGHT NOW?

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How are people talking about her toes when THIS is her face?

Anyway, Amber gets the group date rose and it feels forced and wrong. Ain’t no chemistry there. Start prepping for your fourth Bachelor show, Ambz.

Next one-on-one date – Jubilee! She chooses a smokin’ all-white outfit for the date. The attacks on Jubilee start almost immediately. “She seems off today.” “She is being awko-taco today!” All this because she made a genuinely funny joke about Ben being late, which would be considered normal, cute banter on any real-life date.

Side note – Why does Becca react like this:

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to the helicopter date, when she of all people should know that 90% of Bachelor dates involve planes or helicopters.

Jubilee makes another joke and the girls all gather their pitchforks and immediately assemble into an angry mob. If you don’t fall to Ben’s feet and cry in joy because he graced you with the unbelievable honor of granting you a date after you put your life on hold for three months for him, you’re a satanic bitch and you should be forcibly removed from the bachelor mansion, I guess.

The funny thing about the ordeal with the other contestants is that Jubilee’s date with Ben was one of the more natural and genuine ones I’ve ever seen on this show. Her spitting out the caviar was adorably real and I love that she said more than just “omg this is amazing.” She joked around and called him “white boy” and they shared an actual chuckle! This was believable date rapport and I really enjoyed watching it. I would pay to see the other women’s reactions to the white boy joke if they hated her previous light sarcasm that strongly.

Jubilee comes out in her bikini looking like THIS:

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Are the girls really having trouble understanding what Ben sees in her?

…and they continue to have a really nice date that Ben seems to enjoy a great deal. When they move onto dinner, Jubilee opens up in a serious way about her tragic past. I see why the other women are jealous of her, but shit, what’s not to like? I think any reasonable person watching this show can see that Jubilee is cool as fuck. #TeamJubilee forevs, y’all. NEXT BACHELORETTE, PLEASE.

The morning after the date, the women *literally* cannot believe that Jubilee is back in the house because, obviously, Ben should have sent her ass home packin’.

Lauren H. in her HORRIBLE midwest accent gives us the most thinly veiled racist comment of the night – “I know Ben wants to have a wife that’s gonna be friends with all the other soccer mamz… I just don’t see it long term.” What makes any of them think that Jubilee is not wife or mother material? Because she employed sarcasm one time? While I expected this out of Lauren H., though, I am disappointed in Caila and Jojo, who I had slightly more faith in. These women are displaying some next-level seventh grade bullshit.

Ben tells the women that two people who are really close to his family died the night before, so naturally, Olivia pulls him aside to talk about her cankles. Apparently people have written blogs about them. Maybe the producers just edited this well to make her seem like a bitch, but shit, that didn’t bode well for her. Jubilee (angel) instead takes him aside to give him a fucking massage because she is so caring! Then the women treat her like shit, so she goes away to be by herself, and then they call her isolated and antisocial. CAN SHE LIVE?

When Amber tries to pull Jubilee in for a “girl’s chat,” all the social anxiety I ever had in middle school came rushing back into my head. Damn, remember when a girl would try to pull you into a situation where you knew full well there was a whole group of bitches prepared to air their grievances with you? Fuuuuuuck.

“It’s not a conversation, it’s more of an….attack.” – Caila finally coming through with the on-point commentary.

Ben does a good job of taking Jubilee’s side without insulting the other girls:

“What I like about Jubilee is that she doesn’t walk on eggshells. She says things that make even me blush sometimes. I want her to make jokes, I want her to feel comfortable, because I think that that’s the only way that I’m gonna be able to see who she is. I had a great date with you yesterday, don’t doubt that, please.” Homie should be a diplomat.

On top of everything, Lace leaves on her own accord tonight. I thought she would go down in flames, but she bowed out gracefully and I commend her for it. Then Ben sends Jami and Shusanna packing. Good riddance. Jami is complaining that she’s always single after being a world class twat this entire episode. Hey Jami, here’s a hint – it’s not your looks that are keeping the men away. Then she makes a played-out joke about adopting a bunch of cats because god forbid a TWENTY-THREE year-old woman be single. And hey, what’s wrong with cats, Jami?

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Jami, you don’t deserve a friend like Larry.

Even though this episode was chock full of juicy fun, The Bachelor Live after show was the highlight of my evening, thanks to George and Gil. Charmed, I’m sure. If you haven’t seen every one of Nick Kroll and John Mulaney’s “Oh, Hello” sketches from The Kroll Show, you’re doing life wrong. My only problem with the after show was that they didn’t prank Lace by giving her a sandwich with too much tuna on it.

Until next week, D&H-ers!

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