Bachelor Recap: Episode 4

Is it just me or did this episode feel like we were a lot further along in the season than episode 4? Maybe it’s because they’re traveling, maybe it’s because I have strong favorites already, or maybe it’s just that the women are getting pathetically obsessive and dramatic earlier than usual this year? And as much shit as I’ve talked about the twins, I wasn’t ready for this, Ben! I thought I had at least two more episodes to make fun of them and watch them speak in unison. I really wasn’t prepared for these feelings. Having them go out with an irish jig, however, was more than I could have ever asked for.

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Twins in a mirror…trippy cinematography, guys.

Anyway, we start this episode with the women all chilling on the couch waiting for their camp counselor Chris Harrison to arrive and tell them the day’s activities. They all decided to wear flannel today. He tells them that they’re heading to Las Vegas, the most romantic of cities. Maybe the twins can finally show us what their occupation means! Maybe Becca can finally get laid! Pour one out for Lace, she would have absolutely ~thrived~ in this episode.

All of the women arrive in Vegas to see not Ben, but rather a sign saying he hearts them all. Jojo finds this “so romantic” and says everyone of them “kind of fell in love with Ben at that moment.” Really? That’s what does it for you? A sign that’s not even addressing you specifically? K.

Jojo gets the first one on one. Not surprising. I love the shots of the girls as they all hear that it’s not them going. They look like they just lost an Oscar. “Jojo totally deserved this….so happy for her….”

 

This week we also start to witness the beginning of Olivia’s downfall…

“I’m not threatened by the other girls” -Olivia

“Jojo is beautiful and smart and perfect. She smells like pine needles and has a face like sunshine!” -Olivia, after Jojo gets the one-on-one.

Ben takes Jojo on a helicopter date, marking his place in history as the most aviation obsessed bachelor. Join the mile high club, get a rose.

We hear the following two anonymous reactions from different girls as they see the helicopter:

“Jojo’s taking a helicopter, I knew it!” You’re a genius!

“Son of a bitch.” -my new favorite

Their table falls over as the helicopter lands, so Jojo and Ben take this opportunity for a not-so-secret make out sesh. This was actually pretty cute though; ABC usually saves any actual fun or real moment for blooper footage which is annoying af. We see one “funny” moment at the end of the episode and I’m always like wow this whole time I would have much rather watched them eat cookies off their faces or whatever cute thing than talk about the meaning of true love for the umpteenth time.

On their one on one, Ben and Jojo talk about moments:

Ben: “I don’t think I’ve gotten to tell you, I’ve had so many like moments. Like these like moments where I’m just like when I’m in that moment like nothing else matters but there’s so much outside of those moments that I still want to learn.”

Have I been watching this show too long or did that almost make sense?

Jojo was in a relationship for a year and a half, or at least she thought she was. It’s been five months but she’s like totally over it. Uh huh sure. Check her facebook search history Ben.

Then Jojo and Ben go on a rooftop because they love rooftops. And then we have fireworks to symbolize the fireworks happening between them and also the explosion happening in Ben’s pants. Are the other women really getting this jealous over some fucking fireworks? Like calm down, are you eight?

Group date group date! The only part of the episode that snaps me out of my wine snooze. And yesss, it’s a talent show! The only thing better than this is when they have to do stand up comedy or roasts.

Terry Fator, the super famous guest star ABC got for this episode, asks the women, “Ladies, who has a special talent? Any talent at all? Nothing? K.”

I’m surprised Haley and Emily didn’t raise their hands and use twin as a talent. The girls all freak out because none of them are talented unless you count using “like” 20 times in a sentence as a talent. They then freak out more as they learn (SURPRISE) they will be performing for a live audience! Don’t act like you didn’t know how this was gonna end ladies. These people paid money to see a ventriloquist though so tbh I wouldn’t be too fucking concerned about this performance.

As the girls pick out toys to morph into some kind of useless skill, evil Olivia has something up her sleeve and she won’t tell them!

“She’s good at talking.” -One of the twins, trying to guess what Olivia’s hidden talent could be.

In a surprising twist of events, the twins end up being the most talented, performing a glorious river dance. The other girls aren’t threatened though, because these are the outfits they have to wear:IMG_0034

 

Jubilee plays a probably stunning cello performance which we see four notes of, and Ben leans in like this to show how moved he is by her music:

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you are the music in me

Lauren B juggles but I feel like she just watched a YouTube tutorial on how to juggle backstage.

Lauren H dresses up in a chicken suit and spells the word “Rose.”

Leah hops on a pogo stick in a clown costume while Ben throws food in her mouth and thinks, hmm kinky, gonna have to try this in the fantasy suite later.

For her talent, Olivia dresses like a slut. Then struts around like big bird and is surprised that this doesn’t go well.

All of the girls are particularly delighted at how embarrassing Olivia’s performance was. They can’t believe that that was her talent. Apparently hula hooping in a feather boa makes you more worthy of marriage than jumping out of a cake in one. Logical.

At the after party, Olivia freaks out. She continues her role as resident hug-interpreter. Ben’s hugs used to say she was the one but now they are pity hugs, PITY HUGS!

“I don’t think I screamed marriage material,” she says defeatedly. How does one “scream marriage material?” I’m actually dying to know. Do you walk around in a wedding dress? Own a lot of monogrammed towels? Bake a different casserole for every day of the week? WHAT AM I NOT DOING?!?

Caila reminds us once again that this is her first group date. It really isn’t what she’s used to since, you know, she went on that one-on-one you guys. Nobody gives a shit Caila that was like two weeks ago AKA seven months ago in bachelor time.

Either Caila is amazing at making out or Ben got tipsy on Chardonnay, because he literally calls her a “tigress” and a “sex panther.” I mean if someone called me a sex panther without so much as reaching second base I’d be pretty impressed with myself and the vibes I was putting out. It’s things like this that made Kaitlyn call you a sad virgin on national tv, Ben.

Lauren H lost points with me last week for her soccer moms comment but gained some back after wearing that chicken suit. Then she made out with a puppet and I don’t know whether that’s a good or bad thing in my book. She calls the puppet Little Ben and says that Little Ben is bigger than she expected LOL! Girl can’t even make a solid dick joke.

Ben clearly doesn’t understand how ventriloquism works because he is just fully moving his mouth and saying the words and kind of moving the puppet. Didn’t you ever watch Lamb Chop Ben?!

Olivia continues with her downward spiral of over analyzing a dumb talent show performance. “I feel like I really screwed up today and I was not trying to at all.” –Captain Obvious Olivia.

Ben tries to tell Olivia that he doesn’t give af about her being talentless because they all sucked.

It’s time for Becca’s date. She gets a wedding dress and rides over in a pink car to meet Ben in a chapel. Becca. I just realized Becca is the answer to “what screams marriage material.”

Even though I despise when they do fake wedding dates, I had to give Ben props there for a minute. I thought it was gonna be like, Becca says she won’t have sex until marriage? Getting married on the first date. But nah instead they officiated the weddings of some real live couples. Because who doesn’t want to be married by two people on their first reality tv date? Where did they find these couples? Are they real? They looked just weird enough for me to believe they aren’t actors. This whole thing would have been a lot more entertaining if these people were wasted. The first woman looked pissed as fuck though that this bachelor kid was officiating her wedding ceremony. I mean I understand, but you signed up for this, no?

After the weird series of weddings, Ben tells Becca he has one more surprise for her tonight, and unzips his pants. Just kidding, but seriously it would be more surprising at this point if Ben didn’t have a “surprise” planned after, and was just like nope we’re just marrying people, that’s it. You can go back to the hotel now.

Ben has some questions about Becca like, “can she love, can she feel?” She’s a virgin Ben, not a serial killer.

He urges Becca, “It’s good to feel, I want you to feel, just please feel?” making me wonder if she’s giving him a hand job out of frame.

Ben then makes some super cute vows to Becca, such as vowing “to smile when it’s appropriate.” Woah Ben, let’s not get crazy.

I know Becca is funny from her twitter so why is she so blah on tv?!

Just when we think it’s finally over, Chris Harrison arrives to tell us that there is one final date for dun dun dun…Haley and Emily! I guess trying to tell the twins apart was getting to be too much of a headache for Ben, so rather than taking either of them on any separate date to get to know them, Ben decides to have a two on one twin face-off. At their home.

Because Ben doesn’t know which one is which, he asks their mother to tell him about their personalities so he can pick which one sounds better. He decides that Emily sounds like the bigger ho so he dumps Haley in front of her mother and sister, saving ABC an extra return flight later on. This date looked like a living nightmare but the twins were like “eh,” proving once again that they don’t have separate identities or emotions.

At the rose ceremony, Ben sends home a distressed Amber (you’re better than this franchise of reality shows, Amber!! Find a real dude!) and an unemployed Rachel. But hey girl, if twin is a profession, then bachelor contestant certainly is. Just ask Amber.

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tfw you get kicked off your third bachelor show and dgaf anymore

See ya next week!

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