Bachelor Recap Episode 5

Another Monday, another two hours of my life I’ll never get back. We’re reaching that halfway point where the episodes become more blah as the more dramatic contestants are eliminated, leaving us to watch vanilla girls talk about how many offspring they want with the man they’ve just met. I mean I know America hates Olivia, but you guys are gonna miss her when she’s gone. There’s also nothing I hate more than when ABC drags me through a two hour episode and doesn’t even get to the fucking rose ceremony.

This week, the women and Ben traveled to Mexico, providing us viewers with plenty of cringe-inducing pronunciations of Spanish words. Though I have to admit, no one butchered the Spanish language quite like Ben did in this episode. My favorite was his opening “Viva la Mexico!” where he just gave up at the end and went with the English pronunciation of Mexico.

In the car on the way to the hotel, Leah asks the girls, “Are you guys excited to see Ben?!” It’s so cute when they start to bond like sister wives. Wouldn’t it be funny if the girls were just like, “Eh not really.”

Olivia drops a solid L-bomb five minutes into the episode. And not one of those “I think I could potentially possibly see myself falling in love with Ben at some point in the future maybe” that these bitches like to throw around, but “I’m in love with Ben.” Girl, that’s some episode ten shit, get the fuck outta here. She then makes a reference to her and Ben’s “love language” which I guess is that thing where you’re delusional and think someone stepping on your toe means they’re into you. Lace knows.

Amanda gets the first one-on-one. Ben pulls one of those 4 am wake up calls so he can see what all the women look like without make-up on. He brings one of those blue lights they use to find blood and semen on the walls in crime shows and shines it on all the girls’ faces. “Is that a trace of foundation I see?!?!” Luckily it seems like Amanda pulled a Britt and slept with a full face of make-up, ya know, just in case. Either that, or she’s just really naturally good looking. Olivia has “dragon breath” which is just what I was assuming at this point. It’s gotta be hard to brush a mouth that large. If Ben picked me and woke me up for this date, I literally wouldn’t go. I would refuse to get out of bed. He’d be lucky if I stayed on the show after pulling that shit honestly.

Ben continues being obsessed with the sky and takes Amanda on a hot air balloon. Ben has the opposite of a fear of heights. Heights turn him on. If you’re a bird, he’s a bird.

I love when they give the bachelor or bachelorette little tour guide facts to say on their date. It makes me feel like Ben has an earbud in his ear and some producer is just googling pyramid facts and relaying them to him so he can impress his date with his smarts. Like in every date in every Disney Channel original movie.

Amanda has been pretty shy up until now but we both hate the same people (rhymes with Chlamydia) so I like her. On this date she talks about her former husband and tells Ben she found him tindering other girls. Ben expresses my sentiments exactly which are wtf why would he do that you’re so hot. I did feel some more depth from Amanda in this convo than previously. I get kind of an Emily Maynard vibe from her as in the super hot single mom who is quiet and sweet.

After she is done pouring her heart out, Ben says, “I just want to love on you.” Ew.

Next we have the group date which surprise surprise Olivia is not happy to be on. Can we talk about Leah for a second? Am I the only one who thinks she is really pretty? And seems normal? More air time for Leah!

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The women/Ben attend a Spanish class which is exactly the hot mess you would expect it to be. Emily just tries to speak English. Ben attempts to tell the girls he loves each of them, but doesn’t, because no matter how many times they go through this, he still cannot say the word “enamorado.” Jubilee has the audacity to make another sarcastic comment. Olivia tries too hard. She’s like the girl who you studied abroad with that insisted upon speaking Spanish even with other Americans. Or like my mom, who rolls her ‘R’s for words like margarita.

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Gracias para vivir en la casa

Let’s go back to this Jubilee situation though. Ben takes each of the girls hands in front of all the other girls and takes turn telling them he loves them, wants to marry them, etc. Apparently it’s all fun and games because it’s not in English. When he does this with Jubilee and she gives him a TOUCH of snark for saying it to four other girls before her, the girls all gasp. Omg you guys she doesn’t love him let’s burn her at the stake! It’s a weird and fucking ridiculous situation and Jubilee is the only one who seems to acknowledge, or poke fun at, its weirdness. But more on that later.

The women then go on a cooking adventure with Mexican recipes written in Spanish. They partner up and Jubilee and Olivia both want Ben as their partner. It does seem a little odd that Ben is a partner up for grabs in this challenge. It’s not even like one of those situations where everyone wants to be in the bachelor’s car/boat/tractor/tandem bicycle, it’s pretty much a one-on-one, no? Yet Olivia somehow nabs it. I understand that she’s aggressive, but it often seems like the other girls just let her steamroll them. Meanwhile Jubilee makes a concerted effort to get this time with Ben and to not let Olivia bully her way into it. Then, later on in the episode we hear that Jubilee is “pulling away” and not trying? But….more on that later.

The women run around gathering ingredients and pulling together their recipes. Olivia wants to put crickets in her recipe like the reptile that she is. Ben refers to himself as the “spachelor,” increasing my dislike for him every moment. Jubilee and Lauren B. are “too quiet” according to Ben, but apparently communicate well enough to make the best recipe.

“Ben already tasted my taco and he liked it.” -Jojo

I mean, I couldn’t not include that.

At the after-date-date, Jubilee worries about how she stands out amongst the basic blondes such as Lauren B. and Becca. Just as I shout at the TV, “You are a shining star, Jubilee!!!” Ben pulls her aside. Jubilee admits that she has a hard time on group dates and finds it difficult to stand out. This is a reasonable sentiment on this show, and one that we’ve heard many times before from other contestants. Ben feels like he’s been trying to hold her hand and make out with her in front of the other girls and why wouldn’t she like that? Jubilee says the following:

“I don’t want you to give up on me. Please don’t.” I mean, how much more can you put yourself out there than that?

Ben says he doesn’t feel like there’s a chance for them anymore because she pulled away after their first date. Yet everything in this conversation seemed like the opposite. Jubilee seemed like the one who was being vulnerable and Ben seemed like he had made up his mind to send her home before they’d sat down and talked. Which, knowing this show, he presumably had. Blaming it on her being closed off, though, felt like an excuse. It seems like there was more that happened between them than what we saw. Seeing him defend Jubilee from the other girls after their one-on-one to seeing them in this episode felt like a very stark and abrupt change, and it makes me wonder if there was more that made him back out of this relationship than what we saw in the past couple episodes.

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Jubs leaves in a taxi?? I would be so pissed to not even get an iconic limo exit.

After Jubilee leaves, Jojo pulls an almost-Olivia and interrupts Ben to steal him away. Still, I thought they shared a cute moment. She seemed to genuinely want to talk about his feelings and emotions. And it is true, dumping people is hard. Not as hard as being dumped, but still. Having Ben say “I’m done breaking up with people” and Jojo saying “Well uhh…you have ten more” was one of the more refreshing and real moments that I’ve seen. And so Jojo should have gotten the rose. But Ben is a stupid stupid man blinded by a she-snake and so he gives the rose to Olivia for god knows what stupid reason. Too little, too late, Jojo.

Following the group date is a pretty uneventful one-on-one between Lauren H and Ben where we are forced to suffer through her saying the word faaaashion 20 times with her horrible voice. They walk on a runway because apparently Mexico City is the fashion capital of Mexico. I mean if you had asked me to guess….

Lauren H. is like omg lol I’m so dorky and ugly I can’t walk down the runway with these models! Every girl watching is like stfu.

“This is the best day of my entire life” -Lauren H.

*throws plate of food at television*

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BLUE STEEL

At their dinner that they don’t eat, Lauren H. reveals to Ben that she moved across the country for a guy and was cheated on. If all these bitches are getting cheated on then there is really no hope for the rest of us. Anyway sorry that happened to you Lauren H. but I just really didn’t buy any strong connection between you and Ben. Plus it is episode five, so in about two episodes he will probably tell you that you guys just got off to too slow of a start. I mean it has been about 15 days…you should at least be picking out names for your future children by now.

At the cocktail party, Ben promises Jojo she won’t be blindsided, which is a pretty serious promise to make on this show. I would take that to mean that Jojo won’t be going home at a rose ceremony but will have her own individual goodbye.

Olivia tells Amanda that her life is like this episode of teen mom she saw one time. When I saw this in the promos I assumed Olivia was saying this behind Amanda’s back but I burst out laughing when she said it in front of, and in response to, Amanda. After this Olivia is literally speechless. She has absolutely no recovery, which is hysterical, and cries. Probably not because she said Amanda was like teen mom but because she broke her facade of perfection.

Emily is like fuck this Ben can send me home IDGAF, my sole role on this show now is to talk shit about Olivia. She goes up to Ben and says, “Usually when I try to talk it sounds better in my head,” pretty much summing up her life in one sentence. Then she proceeds to tell him that she hates Olivia and Olivia has been bullying her. Ben is like this is a bully free zone and nobody messes with my Emily! Because suddenly he cares about Emily? He must get to the bottom of this!

Tbh I feel like Olivia is just a dorky and socially awkward girl trapped in a hot body as opposed to a mean girl. But what do I know?

Ben goes to talk to Olivia who is straight up rolling at this cocktail party. Ben is trying to find out if there has been drama and Olivia is just not getting it. She is too high on their love language. She literally tells Ben “You can’t stop me” about four times. Um, he can’t stop you from what, Olivia? From getting a rose? From breaking into his room later and raping him? But alas, even if he could stop you, he won’t. Because he’s thinking with his dick, and it will take pretty much every girl on the show throwing you under the bus, until you crack, for him to finally get rid of you. Can’t wait to watch!

See you next week. Or not, because Lundi Gras.

 

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