Sorry for the late recap, five people who read this blog. It’s really hard to drink wine, eat cheese, and take notes on The Bachelor with only two hands, and the latter fell by the wayside this week. By the way, nothing on this earth feels like a bigger waste of time than actually taking notes on a Bachelor episode. But I digress.
This week on The Bachelor was the crucial week of hometown visits. I like this week because it reminds us all that this isn’t a joke. These are actual real people that bring home a man to their actual real families who is simultaneously dating three other women, and we get to watch. What a time to be alive. Despite all the hype though, I usually find most of the hometown visits fairly dull. The bachelors always have the same rehearsed conversation with every concerned parent/sister/drunk uncle and it goes something like this:
Relative: Ben, how bout you and I have a lil chat?
Ben: Yeah let’s do it!
Relative: I have some doubts about this whole thing. There are three other girls still in the mix.
Ben: Yeah, all I can say is, you know, I like, feel something real with your daughter.
Relative: What makes her stand out to you?
Ben: She’s kind, amazing, great tits.
Relative: I still have concerns, but I really feel you two share a connection! You’re a great guy Ben.
Seriously that’s it? That’s all you need? I mean shout out to Jojo’s brothers for keeping it real. If this were my hometown I feel like the best way to test out Ben would be to put him through a family game of monopoly. See how he deals when we’re all drunk and screaming and my sister runs away crying because no one will do a trade with her. If you can’t handle us at our worst Ben, you don’t deserve us at our best.
We start out with Ben visiting Amanda, some place in SoCal that makes it possible for her to have that amazing of a tan year round. They awkwardly run to each other on a beach and I’m left wondering if ombré has ever looked as good on a person as it does on Amanda. Yes that’s right, Amanda, I have a big leeesbian crush on you.
Next we meet Amanda’s daughters who are as adorable as you would imagine and have trendy white-girl baby names Kinsley and Charlie. I liked the younger one because she refused to speak to Ben the entire time. Meanwhile Ben says some stupid shit to the older one like, “Octopus! Yeah! Sand!” and she falls for it hook line and sinker. Then they awkwardly play house on the beach for an hour so Amanda can picture how great Ben will
never be as step-father to her kids, and so women all over America can swoon at the image of Ben holding a two-year-old.
On the way home, Charlie bawls the entire time. Good for you Charlie. He needs to be prepared for this shit. Way to be the realest member of Amanda’s family. Her very nice parents go through a predictable round of questioning about whether Ben is ready for kids and he gives predictably vague answers that tell us nothing about his ability to deal with poop and snot on a regular basis.
Amanda said she is “falling in love with Ben.” For those not clear with Bachelor terminology, there are three levels. First you “could see yourself falling for Ben” then you’re “falling in love with Ben” and then you are “in love with Ben.” You have to be to “in love with Ben” by next week’s episode, and tell him, or you’re out. But really that’s basically true.
Finally we see Ben reading to the girls, where I guess we’re supposed to go, aw, what a cute (potential) family moment. I mean I’m no parent, but is it the best idea to have Ben read their “love story” as a bedtime story to these girls when the most likely outcome is that he’s going to dump Amanda and never see them again?
The next hometown date is Lauren B. in Portland, Oregon. She seems way too vanilla to be from Portland, but she definitely gets the best date award. She takes him to a food truck where they eat some kind of cheesy butter bread and then they go to a whiskey library which I must admit looks way better than a regular library. It’s so cool I can forgive her for pronouncing it “liberry.”
“I love butter. I don’t know if we’ve discussed my love for butter.” -Lauren B., rapidly gaining favor with me.
Lauren B.’s sister, who looks younger than her and also like an ideal bachelor contestant, is the chosen one to “chit chat” with Ben. She asks Ben what is so special to him about Lauren. He says “idk” and starts weeping. This bitch falls for it like a sucker. I’d be like sorry that’s not an answer and my family doesn’t allow PUSSIES. Just kidding but I actually have nothing else to say about Lauren B. and her completely forgettable family visit.
Next up is Caila. Ben calls her “the realest” and says he has the “deepest” connection with her. Wtf? Everything she says sounds like she is auditioning to be a Disney Princess.
Okay conspiracy theory- Caila is actually a 12-year-old. Everything adds up, just look at the #facts:
Caila takes Ben to the bench where the cool kids in high school hold hands…
Caila takes Ben to a toy factory where her father works, where they color in a coloring book and then build a playhouse. !!!!
Caila can’t wait to marry Ben so they can do things like “make out in the kitchen.” This sounds exactly like a middle schooler’s idea of marriage.
She calls her parents Mommy and Daddy. Multiple times.
She looks like she could actually be 12-years-old??
I rest my case. Anyway Caila’s family was cool I guess but they just seemed somehow off to me, like maybe this wasn’t her family but rather people she hired off craigslist to pretend to be her family?
Caila’s parents want him to marry Caila so he can join and share in Filipino culture. Ben seems surprised to even hear that Caila is Filipino. He just knows she is an exotic sex panther. They should’ve turned the tables on Ben and made him pick out the Philippines on a map.
Caila’s mom wants to know if Ben has gotten to know the real Caila. I don’t think that I have. Ben answers with this gem: “My interest in Caila, it’s been really cool.” He then goes on to talk about how his biggest fear in this process is falling for someone who doesn’t return his feelings. WELCOME TO THE GIRLS’ LIVES BEN. How come every time one of the girls expresses this to him he’s just like “Huh? Just be open! Love me!!!”
Finally, we visit Jojo who has a dope ass house in Dallas, Texas. Jojo conveniently received a letter, alongside a DOZEN RED ROSES from her ex, who sounds full of shit and of course is named Chad. Ben says he wishes he had been there with her when she made the phone call and so do I. That would’ve been much more entertaining and I hope whatever producer didn’t arrange that is fired. This is Chad, if you cared to know:
Little do Ben and Jojo know, the real drama awaits them at an even bigger house where they meet her family. Jojo’s brothers clearly had a few before this visit and they look positively gleeful to put Ben through the ringer. At one point I thought they might beat him up. Even though they were pretty harsh on Ben, these two were dropping some #truthbombs and some serious #girlpower. They tell Jojo that she shouldn’t idolize Ben because she is just as much of a catch as he is. They ask how she can be in love with Ben after only two dates with him. They point out the flaws and psychological impact of a situation where one guy is a prize to be desired. TBH, I agreed with everything they said, I just think most of it was more an issue with the show and its premise than it was with Ben himself. I understand that Ben not being able to say more angered them, but I also felt awkward for Ben. He seemed to be honest in saying what he could, but what he can say just isn’t much.
Meanwhile Jojo’s mom is Ben’s number 1 fan. I’m not really 100% sure she knows which reality show her daughter is currently on, but she is sure that her daughter is hot enough to win.
Leave Ben alone!
Ben leaves Jojo’s on a bit of an awkward note, but not to worry Jojo fans. She busts this little number out of her closet:
I mean, if Ben sends you home wearing that, he’s gay.
Amanda, whose dress I also really liked because she has amazing style, is not-so-shockingly sent home. But she handled her exit like the classy champion that she is, not even breaking until she was inside the limo. I think ABC should employ a clinical psychologist to drive this cry limo every week. Ben cries too because he’s a little bitch and bachelor nation begins its work tweeting #amandaforbachelorette.
See you next week for an episode full of sexual innuendos, bubble baths, and beds covered in rose petals!