Bachelor Recap: Episode 9

It’s Fantasy Suite Week! It’s Fantasy Suite Week!

That’s right readers, it’s that time of year when our fair-skinned bachelor gets to bone three similarly fair-skinned bachelorettes on TV! But first, we need that special scene in which Ben describes each remaining woman using creative adjectives like “beautiful, amazing, and nice.” These lackluster descriptions are always followed by a “but” – each contestant comes with a fake problem to create the illusion that Ben doesn’t already know who he’s picking.

Caila is our token Nick Viall – the skeptic who finds it hard to “open up” or “let down her guard.” This makes Ben violently angry even though it’s perfectly reasonable, seeing as her odds are 33.333% at best, here.

Ben claims that “Seeing Lauren on the first night was the closest I’ve ever gotten to love at first sight.” This feels like a dead giveaway; it’s what Andi said about Josh and what Kaitlyn said about Shawn (coincidentally the other initialed “B.” contestant in recent years).

The obvious conundrum with JoJo is that her cans are huge and her highlights are impeccable, but her metrosexual brothers are plotting Ben’s murder. Decisions, decisions.

Now, on The Bachelorette, this would be the time when we see each male contestant putting on his button-down in the mirror with a gratuitous shirtless shot. But since this is The Bachelor, we get a glimpse of each lady in her silky robe, sipping tea on the balcony of her Sandals Jamaica hotel suite.

fgh (2)

iiiiiiiiiii haaaaaaaaaaad the time of my liiiiiife



The producers clearly wanted a shot of Ben sitting contemplatively on a mountain, but they ruin the illusion by showing him STRUGGLING TO CLIMB SAID MOUNTAIN IN FLIP-FLOPS. 


Someone should lose their job for this.


Caila’s date is painful. They’re not even trying to hide that she’s going home this week. Not only did the date mostly consist of awkward silences, but then the producers gave her a crazy edit. When she says “I love you,” then Ben doesn’t say it back, yet she says in her interviews “Ben doesn’t have to say anything, I can just tell he loves me back,” they’re making us all at home scream “MY GOD, SHE IS DELUSIONAL.” And that, my friends, is a dead giveaway that Caila is being sent home on a rail….But not before her stay in the Fantasy Suite.

“Should you choose to forgo your individual rooms…” are best words in the entire Bachelor franchise. You know Caila is ready for the fantasy suite. She is a “sex panther” after all.

They wake up in a post-coital glow and Ben asks, “U woke up like dis?”

Ben leaves the hotel where he woke up with Caila, barely stops home to clean off his balls and immediately moves onto his date with Lauren B.

The date involves turtles and lots of accompanying turtle metaphors. “We’re helping turtles survive, and that’s a very important thing.” Ben, you’re truly a hero.

Ben tells Lauren that she’s too good for him. He didn’t say that to Caila. Apparently, she’s well within his wheelhouse.

All the dudes in my living room made boner jokes upon seeing Lauren’s two-piece pink dress. I made boner jokes when Ben uttered the fake word “expecially.”

It’s clear the connection is very real between Lauren and Ben. He comes right out with his “I love you too,” breaking all of the Bachelor rules. Let’s move onto the part where he tells another woman he loves her the very next day, shall we?

On JoJo’s date, she makes out with Ben in a waterfall and we get a glimpse of his bacne and buttcrack.


Crack kills, Ben.


We move quickly into the part where you have to say “I love you” or be sent home. Ben says it back. Ben is a fucking douche. WHY ARE YOU TELLING MULTIPLE WOMEN YOU LOVE THEM AT THE SAME TIME? JoJo and Lauren clearly both think they’re winning this.

Next, Caila breaks into Ben’s hotel room (surely on some asshole producer’s strong suggestion). She has no idea that she has been sent on a suicide mission, so she giggles creepily through Ben’s apartment and scares the shit out of him on his back patio. The music is ominous and it’s increasingly clear that the producers sent her there with sinister intent – Ben promptly escorts her to the limousine of public heartbreak.

Caila gets out of the limo and asks in a coded way “did you know you were sending me home before you had sex with me?” Ben lies and says no. This is genuinely sad. I think I hate Ben more than Juan Pablo.

Unnecessary rose ceremony time! Lauren and JoJo look like GODDESSES and scrubby ass Ben shows up in a wrinkled shirt still covered in one of the women’s bodily fluids, I’m sure.


Look at you…


Now look at us.

Two roses, two women, zero suspense. This rose ceremony is a massive waste of all of our time and it ends with a toast to polygamy.

In the preview, both women show up to meet Ben in their gowns, so it’s clear that he doesn’t pull an Andi and send one home humanely; he’s going to break one heart the good old-fashioned, highly public and humiliating way!

I don’t know about y’all, but I cannot fucking wait for the Women Tell All. See you next week!

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