Bachelor Recap: Finale Edition!

Well, this was a pretty boring season, huh? This finale alone was *three* hours and I felt like there wasn’t much material to base a full blog post on, but I sure will try.

Of course it took less than two minutes for Chris Harrison to call this the “most dramatic Bachelor finale ever,” which could not be further from the truth. In a futile attempt to make this snoozefest, well, less of a snoozefest, Chris has Ben’s megachurch pastor in an $8 tie on stand-by backstage, reviewing his bible verses. Allegedly, Chris is going to try to force Ben and his mystery suitor to be married on the fuckin’ Bachelor live stage. Sure.

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And the Lord said unto Ben, “Stop being such a fuckin’ douche and iron your shirt.”

Also on stand-by are the families of Lauren and JoJo, save for two little missing pieces – JoJo’s BroBros. Where are you, fellas? I miss you.

OKAY, now for the actual episode. Ben’s equally boring parents are meeting his two girlfriends! Ben tells his mom that he told both women he loves them, but that each one doesn’t know about him loving the other. She reacts like the rest of us:

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Our thoughts exactly, Ma.

All Ben’s mom can talk about it how weirdly intense and self-loathing Ben is.

“He’s really hard on himself.”

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STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!

Throughout these interactions, it’s seeming like Ben’s parents like JoJo better. This is classic Bachelor finale – they create a fake problem with the clear front-runner to make us think we might actually be surprised… And then we literally never are. It’s just like Chris Soules’ season when Chris’ dad made a last-ditch claim that Becca was who Chris “really wanted.” Not even Becca believed that shit.

Now we get some one-on-one action.

Lauren probably had more interesting conversations with the guy on the raft than she will with Ben on her date.

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“Don’t leave me alone with Ben, please.”

Here’s another “problem” with Lauren. According to Ben, his relationship with JoJo has apparently been “tested” but it hasn’t with Lauren. When was his relationship hard with JoJo? When her brothers were sort of mean for like, an hour? That was a true test of their love and loyalty? This fake bullshit is so transparent.  

Ben talks so much, but truly never actually says anything. It’s just a string of words that never culminate in a point. He should run for Congress because he can literally never offend anyone with his words. He is going to be the first bachelor to make it through the entire season without ever SAYING ANYTHING. Here’s a perfect example. On JoJo’s one-on-one date, she begs him for one tiny glimpse of affirmation. He says to her, and I QUOTE, “What I’m telling you tonight is exactly where I am.” That is not a sentence. So, JoJo being the kween she is, drags Ben onto the fucking bathroom floor and demands answers. In true dumbass Bachelor fashion though, they keep their mic packs on, you know, for maximum #privacy. This isn’t nearly as great a microphone fuck-up as when Kaitlyn and Nick left them on as loud as possible when they had their famous pre-Fantasy Suite bang sesh.

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Isn’t that a lyric from “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy?

I’m glad Ben finally came clean to JoJo that he also told Lauren he loved her, but JoJo had to outright ask him. Also, he didn’t tell share the same information with Lauren and that’s not fair. He is a big ol’ coward. At least we got a tiny bit of drama, though. Save for the bathroom floor confession, almost nothing of note happened at all.

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*prays they break up within a year so he can get that rock back*

 

Why did I squeal with Neil Lane came on screen? Literally no idea, but he helps Ben pick out a massive, ugly piece of bling and everything felt right in the world for a brief minute. Ben suits up and the ladies put on their bomb final rose gowns! These two are serious stunners.

 

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Unfortunately for JoJo, the first one out of the limo is always the loser. It’s easy to hate Ben in this moment but in the end, there can only be one. And in reality, Lauren and Ben are simply a better match. Personally, I like JoJo better, but I can’t help but feel like she could do a little better in the personality department. She has a bit more substance, sense of humor, and depth than Ben seems to have. JoJo, ya deserve better, boo. And if you’re gonna get dumped, at least you can look like THAT while it happens.

The painful part of this for me is that Ben would not just let JoJo go. Walking her out is not gentlemanly, it’s annoying. She’s heartbroken, get out of her fuckin’ face. And please, for the love of the God you worship at your Indiana megachurch, do not kiss her on the forehead as she leaves. I was screaming at the TV “FUCK, WILL YOU LEAVE HER ALONE?” the whole time.

“I don’t deserve JoJo” yeah Ben, duh. No shade to Lauren tho.

Lauren is up next. I’m still reeling from the JoJo breakup at this point, but I can’t hate – Lauren is just so fuckin’ cute. The proposal is quite nice and love is real. It was cute that Ben called to talk to Lauren’s dad before proposing, but I really wish he would have spoken to both parents. Moms care who their children marry, too, Benjamin!

We move swiftly and efficiently into “After the Final Rose.” There’s a lot to squeeze into this time frame – we have JoJo’s opportunity to confront Ben, an apparent on-stage marriage officiated by Ben’s home pastor (?), a cheery check-in with the happy couple, and the announcement of the next Bachelorette.

JoJo put on her best “Jesus Christ, my ex-boyfriend is already engaged” dress and did a great job with her interaction with Ben. This chick has GRACE AND POIZE for days. Just as I’m thinking, “My God, how is she *not* the next Bachelorette,” Chris tells us that SHE IS. Apparently ABC filmed Caila’s opening Bachelorette package and then pulled the rug out from under her when she got a less-than-warm reception from viewers on social media. JoJo on the other hand has that essential “men want her, women want to be her” quality that makes a magnificent candidate a la Andi Dorfman. She gets the gig, and we all get another full season of her perfect body and outfit choices. We all win. Except Caila. She really doesn’t win. Any interest in joining our friend Lace on Bachelor in Paradise, gurl?

This has been really fucking fun, guys. Thank you for reading and sharing and all the kind words! We will 100% be back for the drunken beach action on BIP, so stay tuned!

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