The Sluttiest Television Characters

I’m dubbing 2016 to be the year of the slut. Because while slut shaming is still a very real problem (and a big no-no), there’s really never been a better year to be a ho. However, for some reason, long before we ever started to accept that it was okay for people (women) in our society to enjoy sex and the option of promiscuity, we accepted it in our television shows. In fact, many of our most beloved characters set a high bar for sluttiness without ever being concerned with what their “number” was or what their peers thought whatsoever…the exception, of course, being any show on ABC Family or Lifetime, in which case if you have sex you WILL get chlamydia and die. Naturally much of this sex was included for general scintillation and drama, yet still, the slutty characters were often the most fun, interesting, and even relatable characters. So, in no particular order, let’s celebrate these sluts!

Meredith Palmer, The Office

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Ok so tbh Meredith was a bit of a hot mess and also at times gross. But she was never afraid of owning it, or oversharing, when it came to her sexuality. She boned Creed (what a duo), flashed Michael, confessed her porn addiction to the entire office, and was even savvy enough to get some paper discounts and free steak for all her coworkers out of her sexcapades. Now, I’m not saying I condone having sex with someone in exchange for a juicy sirloin, but if I did have sex with someone, and he happened to leave an Outback Steakhouse gift certificate on the nightstand, I wouldn’t not use it…

Don Draper, Mad Men

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Monogamy is for suckers, just ask Don Draper. Or Dick Whitman. You know you’re really a slut when you have to use an alias. Don Draper is that asshole that wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants the wife and kids and appearance of normalcy but also wants to fuck neighbors, coworkers, hookers, and random passerby on the side. Even though Roger Sterling was his more fun slutty bff, Don was clearly the more serious man whore.

Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill

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The OG of high school sluts. Did Brooke Davis give me unrealistic expectations about sex in high school? Sure. But she also was pretty liberated for a CW woman of her day, showing me that women too can enjoy casual sex and even masturbation, or as it was dubbed, “brooking yourself.” Though at times her trampy ways were just a cover up for emotions hiding beneath the surface, there were plenty of times where Brooke preferred to play “Friend With Benefits” than girlfriend. Between her brief stint as a Clean Teen all to try and get in Stephen Colletti’s pants, flashing the time capsule, making a sex tape with Nathan, and using her boobs to promote breast cancer awareness, Brooke made being a slut a full time extracurricular activity. She even wrote the word “SLUT” and other labels on herself in a protest against slut-shaming and bullying that was frankly ahead of its time. You go B. Davis.

Fiona Gallagher, Shameless

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If you’re a Gallagher, slut is pretty much your middle name, but Fiona definitely takes the cake in the ho department. She sleeps with her boss, then cheats on him with his hotter brother (reasonable), then marries a random dude she fucked, then cheats on him with her ex, and then cheats on him again with her new boss. Quite the rap sheet, but we forgive all the cheating because she was only half raised by two wildly slutty parents. She also has a really hot line-up of dudes, so I can’t really say I blame her for having a hard time picking just one.

Alex Karev, Grey’s Anatomy

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All the random hook-ups in the break room at Seattle Grace made me seriously consider med school for a second. It’s also hard not to be a slut on Grey’s Anatomy when your significant other is killed or horribly injured in some disastrous event every couple of months or so. Karev takes it here though, as the classic “slut with the heart of gold.” This character uses their slutty exterior to mask their true emotions as they’ve been hurt too many times to be anything but a slut. They usually only slut it up when they are broken-hearted and thus pretending not to have feelings.

Hank Moody, Californication

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I don’t even know if there are enough hours in the day to fuck as many women as Hank. While the women he screws certainly seem enthusiastic and free-willed about the whole thing, they never exactly struck me as realistic. Hank is constantly getting approached by women at bars, parties, the grocery store, book stores, the street, the car dealership, you name it! These total tens are just desperate to get their hands on this middle-aged alcoholic writer! While Hank’s life may be an exercise in total fantasy, he does seem to genuinely love and appreciate women and all their orifices, so welcome to the slut club Hank.

Joey Tribbiani & Phoebe Buffay, Friends

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An honorable man on reddit took the time to actually go through every episode of Friends and chart out the respective “lists” of each character. Unsurprisingly, the sluttiest duo were Joey and Phoebe, with the former scoring 51 partners and the latter following with 32. What was great about Friends though was that even though all of the female characters were pretty slutty for their era, they all gave Joey the hardest time about being a huge man whore. If anyone was slut shamed on this show it was Joey. While Joey was definitely the bigger fan of casual sex, preferring to have one night, or even one morning stands, Phoebe was clearly the kinkier of the two. She was always dating a bunch of weirdos and doing weird shit like slutting it up in the park or handcuffing Paul Rudd to a pipe.

Nancy Botwin, Weeds

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Nancy reacted to her husband’s untimely death in the only way one can, becoming a notorious drug dealer and fucking every dude in her immediate vicinity. We all grieve differently guys. Weeds showed us that just because you’re a single mom with three kids doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling, or in Nancy’s case life-threatening sex life.

Petyr Baelish, Game of Thrones

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Littlefinger, Lord of House Slutty. Littlefinger wins this title in a land full of floozies by owning the most bumpin brothel in all of Westeros. While his true lust may be for power, sex is the ultimate means to his end. He also fucked and murdered Sansa’s aunt just for the slim chance of someday fucking Sansa, all because he really really wanted to fuck her dead mother. Dudes got a serious thing for redheads.

 

Dennis Reynolds, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

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He does lead an erotic life. Master of the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, Dennis has a supposedly fool-proof method for seducing (and possibly murdering) women. He keeps bondage paraphernalia in his car, has drawers full of sex tapes in his room, takes his shirt off an inappropriate amount of the time, and has a disconcerting interest in underage girls. Definitely our most lovable sociopathic slut.

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