Lucky for us, ABC is amazing at cranking out content very quickly. It’s almost time for the next Bachelorette! The premiere is Monday, May 23rd at 9/8c, but as a little amuse-bouche, we get to virtually meet the contestants in advance. These 26 beefcakes will be vying for our beloved JoJo’s heart and a whopping 3 of them are black, so you can tell ABC is like, really trying. Side note before we get started – How does this photographer consistently make everyone look so disgusting? I’m sure most of these guys will actually turn out to be super hot when we see them on TV, but each season I look through the contestants and cannot actually find any of them attractive. iPhone pictures would be more flattering than these awful professional headshots. Whatever, let’s get started.
I couldn’t possibly say something about each and every one of these idiots, but you can check them all out here!
A 25 year-old Marine. Sounds normal enough.
Do you like to go out dancing? Not really. I typically will only slow dance. I’m not into the whole “booty dancing” thing.
What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve ever done? Ripped the door off a totaled, burning car and pulled the unconscious driver out to safety.
JoJo’s gonna eat this shit up.
I really didn’t think The Bachelor let dudes be on this show who are only 5’8”.
I love it when my date…: Dresses sexy
Well, Ali, you’re gonna like my friend JoJo. Her titties *always* be out.
Age: 28. Occupation: Hipster.
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If. Your. Name. Is. Chad. You. Were. Made. For. Reality. TV. Dating. Shows.
Real estate agent, just like JoJo!
Who do you admire most in the world and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Myself in 10 years, alright, alright, alright.
What is your greatest achievement to date? Being born good looking.
THOSE WERE HIS REAL ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS…………….So…………I think there’s something seriously wrong with this guy.
Medical sales rep – why is this such a common occupation on this show?
Tattoos: Yes. Lion on my left ribs.
He’s going to make it far. We all know JoJo loves ribcage tattoos. Shoutz out to Ben H.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? My dad, to get a better understanding of the decisions he made.
Um, awkward – did your dad abandon you, lil homie? This could be a gr8 potential sad personal family story to share with JoJo on your first one-on-one.
Christian is hot and seemed normal until this:
What are the top 3 things on your bucket list? 1) Build a relationship with Mark Cuban and earn his respect. 2) Take a trip to space to experience the process and snap some epic selfies! 3) Spoil my grandchildren.
Those are honestly the three weirdest answers possible.
Someone once told me if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
Looks pretty hot.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you and why? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? As long as the island wasn’t covered in cucumbers, I’d be all right. The only thing a man really needs is duct tape.
Okay, no. First of all, what is wrong with cucumbers? Even if you don’t like them, that’s the ONE THING you couldn’t tolerate on a desert island? CUCUMBERS? Also, the only thing a man needs is not duct tape. You need food. Maybe cucumbers.
Occupation: MerMAN. Shit, sorry, I meant male model.
Tattoos: No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a lambo.
Are you comfortable wearing swimwear in public? Very comfortable. Why have a lambo if you park it in the garage?
Stop comparing yourself to Lamborghini. Definitely giving yourself a little too much credit there, Danny Boy. You’re a Nissan Altima at best.
I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT EVAN. MUCH WOW.
Occupation: Erectile Dysfunction Expert
My god. Either he’s serious and has the world’s craziest job, or he’s just making a weird joke about how strong his boners are (like when guys wear t-shirts that say “FBI: Female Body Inspector”). I have no idea if it’s true but I cannot wait to hear the funny *womp womp* music ABC uses to accompany JoJo’s confused ass face when he tells her.
If you could be someone else for just one day, who could it be and why? Trump, just to see what the heck is in that guy’s head.
Cool, Evan. So topical.
Do you like to go out dancing? If yes, what is your preferred type of dancing? Booty – love it!
Can someone tell me what “booty” dancing is and why almost every contestant has referenced it thus far?
What are your deal-breakers when it comes to relationships? Girls with chipped nail polish, girls who talk too much, narcissists, clingers, girls who have serious food allergies.
Oh okay, Evan. How about YOU try maintaining a perfect manicure all the time and then get back to us.
Do you consider yourself a romantic and why? Yes, I believe I’m in touch with my sexual energy and it’s very powerful and beautiful.
No one wants to fuck you, bro.
Tattoos: Right shoulder, left bicep, one on my back. All are being lasered off.
LOL, clearly has awesome judgment.
What’s the most embarrassing style you’ve rocked? Buzz cut with big bangs up front – ridiculous.
And the judgment gets worse!!! Do you have pictures?
Occupation: Bachelor Superfan
But like, do you even have a blog about it, James S.?
I love it when my date…: Doesn’t attempt to pay for the bill. Two things women shouldn’t touch on a date: the door and the bill.
Singer songwriter who has most definitely seen both fire and rain.
Tattoos: Yes, American flag and eagle on my left arm/shoulder.
Christ Almighty, that sucks.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? Umbrella, cold beer (unlimited supply, of course), and a beautiful woman. I think I could tolerate just about anything under those conditions!
Honestly, these are the lyrics to a Zac Brown Band song.
Technical Sales Rep
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? I would be someone incredibly poor in a third world country to see what it’s like and appreciate what I have.
God, this is obnoxious, huh? I can almost hear the little Cambodian kids rolling their eyes at your shitty perspective.
Gluten? I don’t think that’s a real allergy.
But like, it actually is.
Who is your favorite author? J.D. Salinger or R.L. Stine
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH IDK EITHER THE GUY WHO WROTE THE CATCHER IN THE RYE OR THE GUY WHO WROTE THE GOOSEBUMPS SERIES ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I love it when my date…: Pretends to reach for the bill. We appreciate the effort!
Hey Jonathan, have you ever considered that maybe she’s not “pretending,” she’s just worried that your card will get declined because you’re a technical sales rep? Bye.
Former Pro Quarterback. How about currently, Jordan?
Okay, cat’s out of the bag – Jordan is Aaron Rodgers’ little brother. I’d secure him a place in my final four immediately in an attempt to meet Olivia Munn.
Who is your favorite actor & why? Vince Vaughn, unbelievable monologues.
Men are seriously the worst.
Y u look like you smelled somethin stinky?
If you could have lunch with one person, who would it be and why? Mark Cuban, because I want to know what he thinks made him successful.
Can we just address the elephant in the room and organize a Mark Cuban-related circle jerk for these contestants before the show starts? We can have Gladiator playing on a continuous loop until they’ve all finished, too, if that will help things along.
Our 14th software salesman of the day.
What foods do you most dislike? Scary cheeses
What exactly makes a cheese scary?
What are your three best attributes? Motivated, handsome, genuine
He wasted NO TIME calling himself handsome.
If you were stranded on a desert island, what 3 things would you bring with you? And what, under any circumstance, could you not tolerate on that island? Cell phone, gun, portable air conditioner. No Kardashians on the island.
Sal, fuck off. I’m sure the Kardashians don’t want to be on your shitty island with you.
All-time favorite movies: Bronx Tale, Sandlot, Dumb and Dumber
Meatloaf said he would “do anything for love, but he won’t do that.” What will you not do? Use turkey meat.
This guy sounds like an amazing guido and I cannot wait to see all that he has to offer. I really think I would get along with Vinny because I too love A Bronx Tale and have an aversion to substituting poultry for red meats.
Occupation: Radio DJ. Of course he is.
Wells looks like the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional. I mean that in the best way possible.
Height: 6’2 ½”
Petty af. Just pick a whole inch to round to. This is reminiscent of a little kid being like “I’M FIVE AND THREE QUARTERS!”
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Probably John Mayer because I want to melt faces with a guitar solo, then melt hearts with some sappy lyrics.
Will, you can be ANYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD for one day, and you choose John Mayer. John Fucking Mayer. I can’t begin to explain why this is a straight up incorrect answer.
When asked about their dream superpower, TWO guys said they’d want to be able to fly… solely as a means of beating traffic.
I started to notice similarities in the favorite movie choices so I kept a tally. Here are the movies with the highest number of mentions:
Dumb and Dumber
Good Will Hunting
A message to all of these dudes – This is JoJo we’re talking about here. Be better.