The Bachelorette Recap: Premiere

The twelfth season of The Bachelorette kicked off last night without many surprises or change-ups. Looks like we’re in for another season of the same boring bullshit that for some reason, we can’t stop watching.

The season began as it usually does, with a flashback to the last season. JoJo’s heartbreak was gleefully re-broadcast for all to see and we were are reminded that this bitch literally wore a $2,000 Cartier bracelet while jumping off a cliff into a waterfall. 

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We all know das askin’ for trouble, Miss Fletcher!

JoJo reflects on past rejections and deduces that it was all worth it, because if she hadn’t gotten dumped on an all-inclusive resort in Sandals, she “wouldn’t know exactly what she deserved.” So tru, gurl. You can do better than Ben Higgins and his boring bacne lookin’ asssssss.

We get all the standard b-roll footage of JoJo looking off into the distance as she talks about what’s to come in her amazing journey, but then this fucking epic cackle happens:

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It was a nightmare.

In accordance with longstanding tradition, JoJo meets with some of the old bachelorettes, Ali, Desiree, and Kaitlyn, for some girl talk. Noticeably absent was Andi, who clearly had better things to do than offer JoJo some generic ass advice about trusting your gut.

Then it was time for the men! The first segment focused on Grant, the heavily tattooed fireman who says “I’m hoping JoJo is the one who lights my fire.” What genius writer was courageous enough to grab that low-hanging fruit?

Onto the main event – Jordan Fucking Rodgers. The producers take no care to hide the fact that he’s going to win, literally from his first second on screen. He explains that he is Aaron Rodgers sliiiiiightly less hot but significantly less successful little brother. Apparently he has “played on three NFL teams,” which is news to any football fan… Essentially, he played on a few practice squads and floated around as an unsigned free agent, while his brother won a SuperBowl and gave Olivia Munn that sweet ish on the daily. Sorry, Jordan, but The Bachelorette is the only televised competition you’ll be winning any time soon.

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“Livin’ in the shadoooooow, of Aaron Rodgers’ dreaaaaam!” – Jordan 😦

 

Moving on, we see a few more of the guys introduce themselves. Alex is a Marine and has a less attractive twin brother, James S. is a “Bachelor Superfan” who keeps a picture of Chris Harrison by his bed, but I mean, who doesn’t? Turns out Evan is *actually* an erectile dysfunction expert and wasn’t just making a shitty joke, but unfortunately he’s also the most heinous person to ever enter the Bachelor mansion. Ali plays the piano, is Iranian (like JoJo!), and is quite hot. Christian wakes up at 3:30 in the fucking morning to go to the gym every day, which would be a deal-breaker for me unless he’s cool with separate bedrooms. Also, his father’s family was lit-rilly so racist they didn’t know he existed until he was in middle school. JESUS! We close this segment with small town Luke who is hot and will clearly make it to hometowns.

Limo exits begin! Jordan is first out, as Lauren B. was before him, and Shawn B. before her. REAL SUBTLE, ABC.

James F. commits the mortal sin of wearing a black button-down shirt. 

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I just don’t see him recovering from this.

Things get better when Robby shows up! He brings a bottle of wine and no cups, as they will enjoy it “Fletcher-style” like JoJo’s LEGENDARY mom. It was a cute gimmick and actually landed very well. He’s a keeper!

Will’s “oops I dropped my cards” joke was significantly less cute, then Chad comes out of the limo intense af and gives off some serious murder-y vibes, but JoJo tells him he smells good so it’s all a wash. Daniel is Canadian and his coloring is off (not sure if the two qualities are related).

James Taylor opened with a song and it wasn’t quite as painful as this…

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….so I guess he’s cool for now.

Jonathan comes out of the limo wearing a kilt to bring home the joke that he’s “Scottish below the waist.” The joke is not funny, lasts two seconds, and then he has to continue wearing that stupid shit for the rest of the night.

Daniel foreshadows the rest of his night by suggesting he would never take off his shirt and proclaim “look at my fucking body, it’s amazing” but then literally does exactly that. He is horrible from the inside out and I still cannot understand why his skin is that color.

Nick dresses as Santa Claus and the other dudes are fuckin’ upset about it. “Hipster” Brandon claims has never even seen the show because he’s just simply too cool…I bet he also hates Forrest Gump and loves Bernie Sanders.

Wells is actually SO HOT and brought All4One to sing a 90s RnB throwback… Homie knows how to please the masses.

James Taylor hits us with his own rendition of the song…

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I’m so thrown off when someone actually makes a funny joke on this show.

Luke rolls up on a unicorn, which was an awesome choice and I applaud him. Again – he has “hometowns” written all over him.

Once the limo exits are finished, JoJo meets all the guys inside and proclaims “I don’t even feel like I deserve this,” to which Guido Vinny replies loudly, “YOU DO DESERVE THIS!” He’s a real winner.

Alex the Marine is the first to pull JoJo aside and OF COURSE all these roided out dudes are pissed and call him a douchebag. JoJo then proceeds to sit on his back while he does push-ups.

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Yes, this is my second Kim K. picture this post. What of it?

 

We get to see more of her interaction with Jordan, and these two are clearly gonna bang ASAP. They seem to have a very quick connection (were they talking before the show like Joe and Samantha?!?!?!?!?!) and he tells her he works in “media and sports broadcasting” and that he “retired” from football. Is it “retiring” if you just straight up don’t get drafted? Eek.

In any case, JoJo is already really killing it as Bachelorette. It honestly can’t be easy, but she’s carrying all of these conversations and making every interaction flow smoothly, even when the guys are weird. For example, when Will forces her into an uncomfortable situation, she politely gives him the pity peck he cornered her into, and moves on. She actually seems quite personable and adaptable, which is important for her role as our Bachelorette. Maybe I just wanna date JoJo (I do) but she’s doing really well so far!

Jordan swoops in to hit us with the first “can I steal you for a second?” of the season. The two share a kiss and JoJo is INTO ITTTTTT. I’m happy for her, because he’s hot af and she deserves to get hers, but I have a bad feeling about this dude! Right off the bat, this reminded me of Andi Dorfman/Josh Murray’s doomed relationship. Like Josh, he’s the less successful brother of a pro athlete and has a serious secret douche quality about him. Don’t get me wrong, Jordan hasn’t done anything bad yet, but I get an uber-confident, borderline slimey playboy vibe from him. I hope it’s not the case, but Josh too was very sweet to Andi on camera…then called her a “whore” behind the scenes and the relationship ended in a messy broken engagement.

JoJo, however, is too blinded by Jordan’s butt to care.

This is essentially already the JoJo/Jordan hour, but we get a brief flash to what the other guys are up to: Wells is still carrying All4One around with him through the Bachelor mansion, Evan is spiraling down into the delusion that he’s in the running for the first impression rose, and Chad is telling JoJo that he’s “financially” ready to get married.

Speaking of Chad, we have our villain for the season, y’all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He hits us with awesome villainous quotes like “If I wanted her, I’d have her,” and “I am the manlier, more rugged version of Ben.” Great.

Meanwhile, Daniel is having a personal breakdown because JoJo has never seen the viral video “Damn, Daniel” and he’s just not sure if he can marry someone who doesn’t have the same expert level of meme knowledge as him. To drown his sorrows, he has one thousand drinks, takes off his clothes, and jumps in the pool. In other drunk news, Nick S. and Vinny both barge into JoJo’s ITM and say stupid shit. Every woman has been in JoJo’s shoes at one point or another – trying to be nice enough to the drunk ass dude slurring compliments to you at the bar so that he doesn’t flip out and call you a bitch, but not too nice to the point where he thinks you’re interested back.

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JoJo, summing up the entire Bachelor franchise.

Luke brought JoJo some siiiiiiick cowgirl boots but she still gives the first impression rose to Jordan because she wants to meet Olivia Munn.

In an extremely pointless exercise, the producers throw fucking Jake Pavelka in the mix. We’re supposed to believe that he’s coming as a Nick Viall-type to join the show, but instead he’s just here to give JoJo “advice.” OKAY. Sometimes this show makes me want to scream.

Somehow Vinny the drunk barber, Evan the boner expert, and Daniel the gay Canadian vampire all get roses. Coley, Jake, Jonathan, Peter, Nick S. and Sal went home. No love lost except the kilt guy was unfortunately in my fantasy league so I’m pissed.

The preview for the upcoming season looks violent and awesome. I thought I was harsh about Jordan Rodgers until I saw Chad yell “You’re a 27 year old failed football player!” and “The best thing about Jordan is his brother, and the worst thing about Jordan is he’s not his brother.” Damn, Chad is obviously a dick, but also…….where’s the lie?

Also in the preview, we find out they’re going to Thailand! Little do they know they’re gonna run into the entire Tulane University classes of 2015 and 2016 there.

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