Before we begin, let’s make one thing clear: FOUR HOURS OF THE BACHELORETTE IS TOO MUCH FOR ONE WEEK.
We open this episode with the gents waking up hungover and expressing their dismay that their house is dirty as fuck. They all got lit last night because they were reeling from a tense rose ceremony in which Chad got a rose and then smugly ate a bunch of cured meat.
Chase gets the first one-on-one date! He’s super hot so I was happy to see this date happen. The setting of the date is an extremely fake bikram yoga studio featuring an instructor who apparently has never heard of yoga before and is just wingin’ it. First they zoom in on the instructor’s vag while she does kegels (not a thing that anyone does during yoga) and then she throws a fit which she refers to as an “anger-gasm” (also not a thing that anyone does during yoga). This whole charade is a ploy to create a hyper-sexual first date, and because ABC is always so delightfully subtle, the date culminates in JoJo being forced to mount Chase and stare into his empty eyes for several minutes (truly not a thing that anyone does during yoga, ever).
JoJo and Chase deal with this awkward, producer-manipulated scenario the only way they know how – by making the fuck out. I just want to reiterate that this would literally never happen in bikram yoga… It’s literally 100 degrees, smells like ass, and you are most certainly not allowed to fucking mount someone else’s crotch!
After the fake yoga session ends, JoJo and Chase attend a dinner – err, an event where dinner is served but no one eats dinner. JoJo tells Chase that she was nervous about the yoga date at first and said “ugh, I don’t look sexy right now!” which is some annoying god damned bullshit because she literally had a full set of fake eyelashes on. So vulnerable of you to break a light sweat on camera in a workout outfit that costs more than my rent, Joelle.
The hot people duo soon realizes they’re in for a treat – they’re going to be serenaded by a no-name artist that ABC is promoting!!!!!!!!!! This shit is getting too predictable. Seriously, this network is like clockwork. At this point, I could probably replace an experienced producer on a full season of The Bachelorette and no one would notice. Please ABC, learn a new fucking trick.
Chase reports the groundbreaking news that JoJo is nice and pretty and makes his heart happy. He is a very dull person with a limited vocabulary, but it’s cool – America likes its hotties good an’ dumb.
The rest of the episode is about the glorious human specimen known simply to all as “Chad”. Let us delight in his wisdom and extraordinary physical strength.
This week, Chad lands on the group date. This makes Chad angry because “that’s too many guys!” The other gentlefellows are angry that Chad is angry, so they yell at him. Evan says some squirrely dumb shit to Chad, to which he responds, “Evan, stop talking,” which is a good suggestion because Evan is pretty much the worst.
A slightly less heinous person, Jordan, tries to take on Chad. This was a mistake. Chad bellows, “YOU’RE A 27 YEAR-OLD FAILED FOOTBALL PLAYER” and I’m just sitting here conflicted. Make no mistake about it, Chad is a roided out psychopath, but his attacks on his peers are so alarmingly accurate that I can’t choose whose side I’m ultimately on. Jordan didn’t have the chops to beat out the Miami Dolphins’ THIRD STRING QUARTERBACK, for fuck’s sake!
Here’s a good way of viewing this dynamic – last week I started making jokes that Chad was crazy but also “just sayin’ what we’re all thinkin’!” a la Donald Trump. Then I saw the Vulture recap comparing him to Trump with several supporting examples and realized they were really onto something. But then this week, I made an even deeper discovery – Evan is Ted Fucking Cruz. As awful as Chad (Trump) is, somehow his adversary, Evan (Cruz), is worse. Chad is threatening to murder people, but Evan has a booger in his nose for a full debate, and then ends up eating it on national television as the electorate watches in horror. Evan has good reason to criticize Chad, but he is so fucking lame that his attacks on Chad somehow make Chad look better and Evan look worse. It takes a truly remarkable lack of self-awareness to cause this phenomenon, but Evan is in good company with our fair Republican-nominee-runner-up, Lyin’ Ted.
Okay, fuck the election, let’s get back to shitty group dates. This one begins with a woman breathing heavily as if she’s having an orgasm into a microphone. She revels in the discomfort the bachelors are feeling…I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say she probably has her own podcast about “mansplaining.”
Apparently the goal of this date is to make the men tell their juiciest sex stories in front of a crowd. Chad throws on his best Old Navy zip-up sweatshirt and accuses all the guys of never having kissed a girl before, so things are going well. Grant kicks off the stories and does a great job – he’s funny, a little vulnerable, and doesn’t go too far with it. Then we roll into a montage of the other guys telling their stories and imitating various humps and queefs (why not show these in full, ABC?).
Evan, being the exquisite turd burglar that he is, gets up on stage and tells a “cautionary tale” about the dangers of using steroids that is clearly meant to target Chad. Understandably, Chad is upset about this, so he rips Evan’s shirt because he’s drunk and why not.
Most of the guys were upset about the shirt-ripping scene, but I’m way more concerned with Chad’s extremely regrettable next move. First he yells “I NEED A VOLUNTEER, JOJO GET UP HERE,” which is actually not how volunteering works. Then he tries to kiss JoJo in front of the guys in an attempt to prove his dominance and JoJo gives homie the CHEEK. It was very difficult to watch, but I am proud of JoJo for not letting this meathead piss on her to mark his territory.
The guys were thrilled to watch Chad’s efforts be rebuffed in no uncertain terms. Alex gleefully chest bumps his buddies while Chad punches a door and bloodies his knuckles. Then, Chad yells “If I can’t lift weights, I’M GOING TO MURDER SOMEONE,” which is the #1 worst thing you can say while trying to be indignant that someone accused you of doing steroids.
The cocktail party portion of the group date consisted mainly of Chad trying to interrupt other dudes’ time with JoJo, JoJo telling him to go away, then him walking three paces to the left and making a lot of distracting noises so they still know he’s there. Then he accuses all the guys of being virgins. Honestly, I think I love him.
One insult of Chad’s that I didn’t quite understand was when he suggested Grant looked like a Spongebob Squarepants character. I couldn’t think of a single character that resembled Grant, but my roommate knew *exactly* to whom Chad was referring: HANDSOME SQUIDWARD. Shout out to Dorkin for filling in the gaps in Chad’s strange monologues for me.
JoJo tells Chad to stop threatening to murder everyone because it’s highly uncool. Then Evan runs in like a fuckin’ snitch to tell JoJo that Chad was mean to him. He ends up giving her an ultimatum that if Chad stays, he goes, and she gives him the fucking group date rose. I would have punched him in the face and explained that 3s don’t give 10s ultimatums, but I guess JoJo is really trying to set the tone that she doesn’t approve of Chad’s behavior. She doesn’t send Chad home quite yet, but decision to give Evan the rose is sending a clear message to the guys.
When Chad sees that Evan has the rose, we are gifted with 30 seconds of the greatest television ever. Chad *literally* yells “IS THIS REAL? YOU’RE ACTUALLY VIBING WITH THIS DUDE RIGHT NOW?” and again I must ask…where’s the lie?
To cleanse the palate after a particularly potent Chad appetizer, the next one-on-one date goes to James Taylor. They dress up like little 50s cuties and take swing dancing lessons from a sweet old lady. JT is becoming a viewer favorite but I don’t consider him a frontrunner; we can think he’s adorable all we want, but his kind does not win this show. The rest of the date is boring but James leaves with a rose – nice guy lives to see another rose ceremony.
Meanwhile, back at the mansion, a large Pacific Islander security guard is walking around making sure Chad doesn’t assault anyone, but I guess no mortal man can keep him from eating a raw sweet potato. Daniel attempts to be the liaison between Chad and the rest of the guys; he offers helpful tips like “Let’s pretend you’re Hitler.”
Chris Harrison shows up to tell the guys that JoJo wants to spend the whole day with them in the form of a pool party. All of America is like “YES JOJO IN A BATHING SUIT,” but Chad is already onto us; he condemns our open perversion with this gem of a quote: “I’d be happier having her not be in a bathing suit so that they [the other contestants] couldn’t see her in a bathing suit. I know what she probably looks like, I can tell through her dress.”
In case you forgot that Evan is a little snitchin’ ass dork in the last ten minutes, don’t worry – he’s here to remind us. Motherfucker runs after Chris Harrison to snitch on Chad again. The editors create this awesome scene in which they flash back and forth between Evan explaining that Chad is threatening the safety of the guys in the house and clips of Chad lifting weights and loudly grunting. This was like the Godfather scene where they alternate between a gruesome murder and a Catholic baptism ceremony. Truly Oscar-worthy shit here, ABC. Your attention to detail does not go unnoticed.
I for one am looking forward to the pool party not for JoJo’s bikini body, but because I LOVE the heinous puka shell necklaces they force the guys to wear to keep them mic’ed up while shirtless.