Well that escalated quickly.
First of all to my fellow recapper- you’re wrong. Four hours of The Bachelorette IS NOT ENOUGH. Not when it involves Chad. I’m so anxious and antsy from the drama of that episode. Or maybe it’s the fear that Chad is hiding behind my shower curtain rn waiting to kill me? Idk it’s a toss up.
Picking up where we left off on Monday, we’re again reminded of what a whiny little bitch Evan is for tattling to Chris Harrison. Chris Harrison assures Evan that there is a line that he has to draw. And that line is 10 million viewers, so Chad will be staying. It’s funny though that you think Chris Harrison gives one single fuck about your safety Evan.
I’m sorry but all these dudes sitting around in nothing but their snug fitting swim trunks and bronzed six packs are giving me some seriously homoerotic vibes. How have none of these men done porn?
Chad’s non-apology of “leave me alone,” is not good enough for Evan. Say it like you mean it Chad! The two of them continue to argue about who pushed whom. If only we had 20 cameras pointed at them at the time to prove the answer. Can I get a slow motion replay ABC? Chad says “I can’t explain to you why you do the things you do, Evan.” Nor can I Chad, nor can I. Like why do you wear 20 friendship bracelets on your arm at one time? Why is your smile so creepy? Why did you reproduce?
Jojo arrives! Ew how awkward to have to pull off your top with 20 shirtless guys surrounding you saying “Woo!” Like why are all these guys such pervy seventh graders about Jojo’s body? It’s like they’ve never seen a girl naked. Omg wait who said that already? It was Chad.
Despite all this DANGER supposedly present they all take shots and jump in the pool, except probably Robby because it will ruin his hair. Some guy jumps into the pool in a suit, doing literally anything to be noticed. Doesn’t work, don’t care. Evan gets his period in the pool and Jojo points and laughs. I KNEW THIS BLOOD PREVIEW WOULD BE BULLSHIT.
Evan would be the guy to get random bloody noses for no reason. Would also be one to punch himself in the face just to accuse Chad of domestic abuse.
Jojo jumps into Jordan’s arms in a move usually reserved for like episode seven and beyond. Jojo and Jordan do what they always do during their one-on-one time, which is stroke each other’s bodies and talk about/question their “immediate connection.” Is it too soon? Is it too good to be true? Is it just because we’re both super good looking but really you’re a secret douchebag?
Jojo asks Chad about his tension with Evan. Chad says they are different, and if he were to take her to a restaurant would she want ice cream or steak? Let’s see, which food do we think Chad is in this analogy? Before Jojo can answer whether she’d prefer a meaty Chad or a creamy Evan, Evan interrupts with a “heeeey” that makes me want to punch him in the face.
Jojo then asks Evan about the Chad situation. Evan responds immediately, “I’m not scared of Chad!” O RLY THEN HOW COME U JUST TOLD CHRIS HARRISON U WERE?
Chad trying to be chill lasts less than an hour. After he gets bored playing with sticks and kicking pool floats, he eavesdrops on Derek telling Jojo about him. He pulls Derek aside to make fun of him for watching The Bachelor, while on The Bachelorette. K.
Jojo comes into the rose ceremony in this week’s variation of sequined gown and Chris Harrison is like “Do you have any idea what you’re going to do tonight? Because the producers do lol.” At the rose ceremony, the last rose unsurprisingly is used as a Chad cliffhanger. Chris Harrison steps forward to say, “Gentleman, this is the last rose tonight. If you did not receive a rose it is because you did not eat 10 lbs of luncheon meat in an evening and were all around boring af.” Ali, Nick, and Christian go home. Was hoping ABC could arrange a magic carpet ride date but otherwise fine with it.
The remaining men are off to the exotic destination of….Pittsburgh. But, silver lining, they get to drive manly Jeeps off-road through the man mud to get to the manly lodge man cave place with stone and wood and brown leather couches.
Evan tells us, there’s something about this “manly” and “rugged” resort that makes him feel comfortable….Ok Evan. Those would be the literal last two words I would use to describe you so shut up.
Luke gets the first one-on-one. They get a dog sled ride because apparently that’s a thing in the forests of Pittsburgh, and then Jojo really follows up on the whole “finding what Ben and Lauren found” schtick by copying their first date of a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. But first she makes Luke chop some wood (again) because that’s apparently a very important quality to her. Idk maybe she has a dope fireplace she’s tryna use. The hot tub is too hot for Jojo so Luke awkwardly holds her in the air and gropes her butt for five minutes while the cameramen eagerly zoom in.
Exec Producer: Did you get that booty?
Camera guys: Yes sir, we did indeed get that booty.
But really am I the only one who doesn’t find Luke attractive?
Back at the house, Alex is not about the 2 on 1 life. He thinks the only thing worse than a 2 on 1 would be a 2 on 1 with Chad. WELP YOU JUST SEALED YOUR FATE, KID.
Jordan says Alex is an American hero. Not because he was in the marines or anything but because he’s going to take down Chad and America hates Chad. Wow, um Jordan, has a more false statement ever been uttered? America fucking loves Chad. Or at least, we love him in the twisted way that we love the Kardashians, Taco Bell, and midget wrestling.
On the dinner portion of her date with Luke, as usual Jojo has been having a great time but now needs to see if there’s “something more there.”
Jojo: What gives you your relaxed mysterious sexy vibe?
Luke: Probs holding the lives of Afghani children in my hands and having my best friend die in combat.
Luke makes rollercoaster and skydiving love metaphors without even being on a rollercoaster or skydiving date. Is he subtly petitioning ABC for the next adventure date? Worse than the post-date private concert for me would be the post-date where you have to slow dance and make out on a stage in front of a crowd of Bachelor fans taking snapchat vids of you. And I generally really like attention.
Group date! YAS they’re making Jordan play football, he must be shitting his pants right now. Wells I love you but stop pretending like you know who these football pros are.
Evan continues his life’s mission of annoying me to death by wearing eye black under only one eye and describing himself in “beast mode.” Which I guess for Evan just entails getting yet another surprise nose bleed.
Jordan: “I was dropping dimes out there, I was picking guys apart, I’m really good at football!” Congrats on being kind of okay at the thing listed as your career.
Chase loses and talks about how he was the only good one on his team. Nothing is less attractive than a guy being a sore loser, especially when the thing we’re talking about is a Bachelorette group date football game. The losers head back home in matching groutfits while the winners carry Jojo, the ultimate trophy, on their shoulders.
As the group date continues, Robby and Jojo have a ~steamy~ make-out sesh while the rest of the guys have their favorite conversation, which usually goes something like this:
Guy: So, like, how important do you guys think this rose is tonight?
Other guys: Like really important.
During Jojo’s one-on-one time with Jordan she asks him to please be more into her. He settles her anxiety with an early out of the gate “falling in love with you.” Really tho…what does that mean? Who uses this phrase in real life? Couldn’t any stage in between not loving someone and loving them technically be considered “falling in love?” How come if I say it within four days of meeting someone it’s “clingy” and “creepy?” Jk guys I’m no Evan. Jordan gets the rose whilst Robby ponders why his pool table dry hump didn’t clinch the win.
Grant reads the date card back at the house. “Chad………………….and Alex.” OH the suspense. You could have a future gig as Bachelor host Grant, if Chris Harrison ever decides to lead a real life, or more likely, dies. TWO MEN, ONE ROSE. ONE STAYS THE OTHER GOES. I’m going to start approaching pairs of men in bars and saying this.
Chad asks the men to please raise their hands if they’ve ever felt personally victimized by him. Wells, James F., and Daniel prove sane and smart enough to keep their hands down and avoid the strong possibility of being murdered. Then Chad, Grant, and Alex, have a repetitive back and forth of saying they’re going to fight but not actually fighting. Yawn. Chad passes the remaining time before the date partaking in his favorite hobbies, which include spouting death threats, lingering in doorways, and causing uncomfortable silences.
Finally the most epic two-on-one in history arrives, signaled by hawks and falcons flying across the sky. It’s marine versus marine, good vs. evil, dwarf vs. ogre. Inexplicably someone thought it was a good idea to drop two regular people into the middle of the woods with Chad. Chad is so excited to murder Jojo and Alex.
During Alex’s alone time he unsurprisingly talks shit about Chad exclusively. During Chad’s one-on-one time Jojo asks if Chad has been threatening violence in the house. Chad responds with, “How should I not beat people?”
Jojo starts walking around the forest alone and the episode starts to devolve from Bachelorette into Criminal Minds, where I’m screaming at the TV, “RUN JOJO RUN!” Chad saunters along the woods beside her, whistling softly. We’ve seen the villain edit, but I think the serial killer edit might be a first. Chad emerges to the blanket where Alex is sitting and the two of them engage in some of the strangest trash talk I’ve ever witnessed.
Chad: I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Life ain’t all blueberries and paper planes, know what I mean?
Chad, changing tactics: It’s just unfortunate that I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.
I feel like switching between violent threats and non-sequiturs is very much a thing psychopaths do.
Chad: Have a glass of milk.
Alex: No! I don’t like milk!
Chad: Too bad, milk is delicious.
I mean, true, but still. Are they speaking in metaphors? Did Chad poison the milk? Is it skim or 2 percent?!
Alex: Hay’s in the barn dude.
Chad: Pigs are in the castle.
Did I miss the part where these two took acid?
Jojo returns and asks Chad straight up if he threatened to find/kill Jordan after the show. Chad apparently can threaten murder and be a horrible person to everyone around him but he cannot tell a lie. So with that Jojo makes the most regrettable decision of her now short life and picks Alex.
Chad thinks he’s getting punk’d. Once reality sets in that no, Jojo will not be his and will not spend the rest of her days in a dungeon in Oklahoma, Chad calls her either “an actress or an expletive expletive.” Don’t you talk about Jojo like that. Unless I get points for it in my fantasy league. In typical two-on-one fashion, Alex and Jojo make out in front of Chad. For fuck’s sake don’t anger it you guys. Chad wanders off into the woods, whistling while he
works plots mass murder.
Did you guys really think Chad was going to go gentle into that good night? LOL. No, if Chad was unhinged before, now there is not even the potential of a rose to keep him kind of in check. So naturally he heads back to the house and scrapes his fingers against the glass, signaling that he has fully completed his transformation into horror movie monster.
Next week on the most dramatic Bachelorette episode ever, it’s a first ever in bachelor history, when the bachelorette fucking dies! But really, Alex, Evan, Jordan, and Jojo, I hope you’ve all invested in the highest level of security system available.