The Bachelorette Recap: Week 5

Wow ABC, you’ve dealt me some low blows over the years in the way of super hype trailers that lead to very not hype episodes but this has got to be your worst offense. Here I was, popcorn ready for the chad-pocalypse and literally nothing happened. I am going to hunt down the promo editors specifically responsible for this. Do you think I can’t find you? Do you think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house?

The episode begins with a ceremonial scattering of Chad’s protein powder, giving us further proof that Wells is secretly really funny. BUT THEN in an anti-climactic twist, Chad comes into the house to pretty much say nothing and leave five minutes later.

Someone asks Chad how the date went (as if they don’t know) and Chad replies, “It went good.” Really Chad? Would we really say that was good? I mean I guess it “went good” in the way that everyone still has all of their limbs attached. But if that’s a date that “went good” for Chad I’d hate to see one that “went bad.”

Jordan is so fake. He gives Chad an insincere apology just to try and force a Chad apology. Chad apologizes for nothing. Jordan says he has no problem with Chad and he like doesn’t even care that he works out by himself and goes in the hot tub alone. Wait…do all the guys hate Chad because they secretly want to be his best friend? I think so. Meanwhile Evan is still talking about his fucking shirt like please someone reimburse this man for his generic heathered Target v-neck so he’ll stfu once and for all.

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Kickstarter to get Evan another shirt

Can we all just take a minute to imagine if Caila had been the Bachelorette this season and Chad had still been a contestant? He would have literally eaten her for breakfast.

Unfortunately Chad doesn’t strangle Evan or do much of anything other than give Jordan an overly firm handshake, and then he leaves, with one glorious Chad twirl into the night. And just like that, as mysteriously as he came into our lives, he was gone.

Upon Chad’s exit, Chris Harrison borrows some supplies from his club promoter friends and the men turn their house into a poor man’s bottle service birthday party while shouting “Slayer of the dragon.” Chad was very clear in his analogies that he was a bear, not a dragon, but ok.

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Come thru it’s lit

 

At the rose ceremony, just as viewers are realizing they have no one left to care about, the guys realize they have no one left to all talk shit about 24/7. Wells astutely points out that Chad was the common enemy. Who will become the new villian? Who will finish off the deli trays and stalk them from the shadows?

To illustrate the concept that new Chads are rising, we see many men breakin rules and bein bad by stealin extra time with Jojo…when they already have a rose! Omg! It’s almost like they’re here to spend time with her and not to form 20 new bromances! Luke strolls by and lets them know that if they’re not going to talk to Jojo then he’s going in for seconds. Uh she’s a woman Luke, not a bowl of mashed potatoes. Jordan pushes Jojo up against the wall to aggressively make out with her. She is very into it and so am I. But Jordan seems most turned on from the fact that there are 12 guys on the other side of the wall.

At the rose ceremony, Evan gets the final rose, providing irrefutable evidence that this show is rigged. James not Taylor and Daniel are sent home, but not before Daniel reminds us that this has nothing to do with his body, and leaves us with this thinker: “There’s millions of people in the world, and the chances of her falling for me, I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning- while, ya know….shaving my face.” My favorite part of this quote is that he could have just stopped after the struck by lightning part and it would have been fine but he needed to add that last piece of Daniel eloquence. When is the Chad/Daniel reality show airing?

Next the men all head to Uruguay! I would love to have seen which of these beefcakes actually would have known where Uruguay was if Jojo had not prefaced it with South America. There should be a new elimination style game on the Bachelor where if you don’t know what continent the country you’re going to is on then you don’t get to go.

Jordan receives the first one-on-one, and the men are not happy about it. Either that, or a bunch of awkward silences and dirty looks were edited together. Since Chad is gone, previous home-boy Jordan is now disliked, pretty much because he’s a frontrunner and these guys are bitter af.

Jordan and Jojo ride around looking hot on a boat, and Jordan tries to be endearing by imitating seals. It’s a good thing he’s pretty. Back at the house, the guys do what they do best and talk shit at Vinny’s pop-up barber shop. In the house where no outside news/media is ever traditionally allowed, SOMEHOW an In Touch magazine with an article about Jojo and her ex boyfriend appears! All of the guys read it and freak out like huge losers. Um it’s In Touch, everyone knows the only reliable gossip mags are People and sometimes Us Weekly. Just in case you forgot who this drama causing stud Chad is:

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The man, the myth, the legend

 

 

Speaking of dRaMa, on the dinner date, Jojo surprises us by saying she’s heard things about Jordan from his ex girlfriend. I must say whoever this ex is she is doing an excellent job of ruining his reputation across the nation, I mean is this her full time job? You can tell that Jojo is nervous to bring this up to the guy she likes so much, because rather than her usual straight forward talk, she tells him she heard that he “wasn’t the best boyfriend as far as relationships.” He answers with his answer for everything, which is his failed NFL career.

Jojo: It’s really important to me to be able to trust someone in a relationship.

Jordan: I used to play football.

Jojo eventually grows a pair and asks him if he cheated. Jordan denies it immediately and starts quoting his pastor. I think that’s the part where we’re supposed to go, oh ok phew, he’s a man of the lord, therefore he’d never cheat lol. Jojo decides to accept this answer because Jordan is hot and she’s dtf. I’m not so sure we’ve seen the end of the topic as thus far it’s a question of he said she said. In general though I’m inclined to believe the accuser rather than the accused in this case. Speaking as a psycho ex who has set fire to another’s belongings, you’d have to be quite psycho to publicly call out your ex for cheating if you weren’t pretty fucking positive about it.

Jojo goes home and talks up her date with Jordan.

Jojo: I don’t think anything could take this away.

Producer: Lol one sec.

The producer shows her a magazine that the guys may or may not have seen already, whoops! Jojo freaks out that her ex Chad is such a scumbag and is sabotaging her reality tv stardom for the second time in a row. She throws a bathrobe over her date dress for her Sad Jojo look and heads up to the guys’ room to cry about how genuine she is. For anyone who has overactive tear ducts, take note, this is a great use of a classic move. Whenever I cry in front of a guy about something, he freaks out and feels bad and thinks I must really care about whatever it is, but truth is I literally cried one time because I couldn’t find any pants I wanted to wear. Such is the case here and the guys all feel really bad for her and take turns comforting her and making out with her and all is right with the world again.

Jojo is ready to continue on the dates even though last night was one of the worst nights in her life. It sure is rough when your ex is a dick and you only have 11 boyfriends to console you. On the group date Jojo stands on top of the dunes in a hot desert babe get-up. When they see her the men all shout “Jojo!” at the same time and race up the dunes to meet her. This choreographed group greeting will never stop being funny to me. Their date activity is sand boarding. I’m into any date that involves Wells killing it and Evan falling on his ass so this was an A+ date.

Later on the date Jojo continues to show Luke the love. Derek is plagued by the curse of the first one-on-one. Alex proves that he has no personality other than not liking other contestants. Idk how she doesn’t space the fuck out during all these boring repetitive ass convos about where they are and how they feel and how things are progressing according to schedule. Especially after a few glasses of PG I’d be like which one are you again? Alex keeps talking at Jojo and she looks super interested:

jojo

Wanna do shots?

Rather than say a single word and engage at all in this boring ass discussion she just replies by making out with him. Same.

Jojo gives the group date rose to Derek stating that she wants to reassure him. As in reassure him that she likes him and wants him to be there. But apparently none of the guys know what reassure means and freak out that it’s not a well-earned rose. This is particularly amusing coming from Alex, who won his 2-on-1 rose last week by default, simply by not being a murdery psychopath.

“He’s an insecure little bitch.” -Alex, being an insecure little bitch

Robby is selected for the final one-on-one date, and this week’s “walking around” date, where they walk around the streets of a foreign country and talk to random locals about their relationship whilst butchering the native language.

Local: Married?

Robby: Very posible.

Jojo and Robby climb up a large formation of rocks above water. Robby asks Jojo if she wants to spontaneously jump into this water with him. Luckily she is spontaneously wearing her bathing suit under her clothes and they….take a leap together. ❤

At dinner Robby and Jojo talk about how their moms are both emotional drunks (whose isn’t?) and Robby tells Jojo about how his best friend died so he decided to dump his girlfriend because yolo. We know from the preview that Robby is later accused of dumping his girlfriend to come on the show, so we will have to further dissect the sequence of events when we have more information. But then, hold the phone, Robby randomly tells Jojo he in love with her ON THEIR FIRST DATE. Is this some kind of record? Honestly this just rings so false to me. It seems like Robby isn’t quite sure what the right thing to say on which date is but he wants to say something to progress further so he comes out with that. But apparently Jojo is into desperation and male beehives so Robby gets da rose.

Fireworks appear.

“Stahhhp” -Robby

Before the rose ceremony, Derek decides to round up the guys least accepting of criticism and confront them about being exclusive and cliquey.

Derek: I feel like there’s an issue where you’re excluding people.

Jordan: It’s petty and it’s a non-issue.

I like Derek but antagonizing three of the front runners was just not a great move on his part. Luckily the awkwardness is cut short because Jojo is ready to cast some dudes aside. At least this episode trimmed a lot of fat, specifically Vinny (see ya) Grant (bai) and Evan (God is real and he has answered my prayers).

So while it’s a sad day that the Chad is gone, new squads seem to have formed. It’s the douche bags (Jordan, Robby, Chase, Alex) versus the nice guys (Derek, Wells, James Taylor, Luke), the six packs versus the sensitive souls. And while as a viewer I’m rooting for the nice guys, as a bachelorette with a horrible taste in men, I’d be giving roses to the douche bags every time. See ya next week!

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