Well, JoJo and her merry band of idiots have left the wonders of southwestern Pennsylvania for Buenos Aires, Argentina! Or as the contestants refer to it, “Bennos Ayeras.” Since they’re in a latin country, they have dressed JoJo in a red dress and forced the guys to say “I can’t think of a better place to fall in love,” even though they have said that exact phrase in every previous city and they will most certainly say it again in the next city.
JoJo recaps her last week to Chris Harrison, stating that she was so happy that Robby was the “first guy to tell me he’s in love with me,” and questioned, “what if I fall in love with two people just like Ben?!?!?” not at all realizing how ridiculous she sounds.
Jumping into this week’s romance saga, Wells gets the first one-on-one date! I was really excited about this (even though he’s not on my fantasy team) because he is super duper cute. The date card reads “besame, besame muchacho,” even though the date ends up having nothing to do with kissing. It’s soon revealed that Wells is the only guy left in the house who hasn’t kissed JoJo, so the date card was essentially designed to make him feel shitty and inadequate and to put a lot of pressure on him to kiss JoJo or GTFO.
Even though the whole reason for this date was to highlight that Wells and JoJo have not yet kissed, they give them the weirdest date ever in which it seemed legitimately difficult to find a good time or place to share said first kiss. At first, they’re walking around the city and the date appears to be going just fine, but it’s edited with this goofy, clumsy music over every scene, which is supposed to make us think it’s awkward. The intended narrative is clear here – the people who make this show are trying very hard to remind us that Wells isn’t quite as virile as the other brutes in the house, even though by any measure, Wells is a real life 10/10. Next up, Wells and JoJo watch this weird bit of performance art in which naked women (essentially, professional cockblockers hired by ABC to ruin Wells’ life) swim right above their heads. Then, Wells is forced to run on a treadmill and get shot in the stomach…romantic. Then him and JoJo get waterboarded on a slip and slide. Despite being put through the awful, producer-concocted ringer of ridiculous dates, Wells finally finds a moment to make out with JoJo. It seems to go well for all parties involved, but then dinner happens.
Instead of asking anything resembling normal first date questions like “what’s your family like?” or “what’s your favorite movie?” JoJo jumps right into “I want to know about your last relationship,” because that’s how ABC thinks love is born. Wells is honest with JoJo about how his last relationship ended – he was with his girlfriend for a long time and the spark fizzled out; they ended up feeling more like friends than lovers.
For JoJo, this amicable break-up is more of a deal breaker than Jordan’s ugly break-up with his last girlfriend, whom he more than likely cheated on. She gave Jordan the benefit of the doubt and allowed him to explain himself, but promptly sent Wells home. Eh, whattaya gonna do. Wells was never going to win this shit anyway.
I was momentarily sad about Wells’ departure, but then the ABC producers graced us with the most horrendous scene of JoJo laugh-crying in the rain in an Argentinian night club by herself.
The group daters include everyone except Chase and Derek. They’ll be on the two-on-one date date. DUN DUN DUN. So, JoJo takes her five suitors out on the town.
The group date is pretty boring. Jordan’s dumb hair flops around while he plays soccer and Robby continues to look like Will Forte. James is set up to get the only goal of all the guys because he’s insecure that he’s pale and doesn’t have abs. After the soccer game, they enjoy the cocktail portion of the evening while Chase and Derek prepare for their two-on-one. Chase yells at Derek for smiling. I don’t know, I’m bored with this.
Back on the group date, James Taylor is wasting his precious one-on-one time with JoJo to talk about some vague and frivolous fight he had with Jordan over a fucking card game. Now I tend to like James and dislike Jordan, but James was so stupid about this issue that I found it really hard to take his side. There are so many reasons why he shouldn’t have done this. First, bringing up some nonspecific character issue with the clear front-runner has been done before (Leah vs. Lauren B., anyone?) and it never ever works. Unless you have something concrete to gripe about, don’t. It only makes you look like you’re throwing someone under the bus because you’re insecure about where you stand and jealous of someone with a stronger connection. Second, you have to value JoJo’s time a little more than to waste it by bugging her about a CARD GAME. Be an adult, resolve your petty issues internally, and spend your very limited alone time with JoJo talking about you and her. Maybe talk about your love for “margarita” pizza or your inability to recognize homophones.
Luke gets the group date rose because JoJo doesn’t want to take sides between James and Jordan. Whatever.
Two-on-one is up next and boy oh boy, is it painful to watch. This date features a three person tango and it is full of terrifying moments. I could describe them all, but a picture is worth a thousand words, right? The visuals are simply too strong, words could not do them justice. Pay special attention to the tango instructor’s labia majora. Argentina is so sessual, y’all.
After the horrible Y Tu Mama Tambien themed threesome tango, the dinner portion of the night begins. Derek speaks in full, clear sentences and explains to JoJo why he likes her. JoJo hasn’t gotten as much from Chase, so she hits him with her favorite line – “My love language is words of affirmation.” Someone took the “5 Love Languages” quiz that my boss also made me take in my first week of work. Chase gives her the most minimal reassurance ever, so despite Derek’s clear articulation of his feelings, he’s still only an 8 and Chase is a 10, so… sorry bro, you’re hittin’ the bricks.
In a twisted moment of brilliance, ABC creates a montage sequence of a woman singing “Don’t Cry For Me Argentina” while Derek literally SOBS in the back seat of the reject car. This was brutal. But so funny.
Rose ceremony time! Aka time to discuss JoJo’s dress. Hot damn, the silhouette was gorgeous. Her body looked amazing and the color was striking……….but ugh, those embellishments, girl. I couldn’t get past it.
JoJo’s mini-breakdown while Alex and James stood awaiting their fate seemed like par for the course, but I have to say this show finally managed to pull a fast one on me. I thought JoJo was doing the humane thing by pulling the plug and sending both of those average fuckboys home, but she’s going to keep ‘em on the ventilator for one more painful week. Somehow, though, Alex is still pissing and moaning. SHUT UP.
Until next week!