Last week I closed my recap with this line: “Somehow, though, Alex is still pissing and moaning. SHUT UP.” TBQH, I’d like to open with that same line this week. In the opening scene, Alex is still complaining even though he made it through the last rose ceremony by the grace of fucking God and got the first one-on-one date this week.
Chris Harrison assures the bros that they’re there for a reason and explains the date structure for this episode – there will be three one-on-ones and a group date. There are no roses on the one-on-ones but JoJo is still allowed to send you home if she wants…so basically nothing is different about them and they’re just trying to make it sound more dramatic than it really is.
Alex gets to drive with JoJo to the gaucho estancia while the other fellas ride in the Argentinian version of the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine. Honestly this bus looks really fun and the guys seem to be enjoying themselves more than Alex and JoJo are. When I saw Chase starting to beatbox, I got nervous and assumed it could not end well, but their little rap in which they essentially just dragged Alex for being short was actually pretty funny and almost managed to distract me from Robby’s heinous footwear.
At last, Alex and JoJo arrive at the ranch and Alex is promptly instructed to put on a silly outfit that is intentionally designed to make him look like a tiny little fool. JoJo, on the other hand, puts on some Free People bell bottoms and is all like “am I like, a gaucho now?”
Then, the date gets really fucking weird. They watch an Argentinian man sexually connect with a horse, Daniel Radcliffe in Equus-style, and somehow manage to keep straight faces.
I thought Wells’ waterboard date was weird but this season is truly outdoing itself with strange dates. A significant portion of JoJo and Alex’s day involved them lying on top of a horse and making out. The horse is just trying to bask in his post-coital glow after nailing that gaucho, but ABC won’t even let him chill for a sec.
In the dinner portion of the date, Alex tells JoJo he loves her and she responds by giving him the boot. No one is surprised. It was never going to happen for Alex. This confirmed the pointlessness of the “no rose” concept, because in practice, it operated under the exact same premise as normal. Anyway, Alex is pissed to leave. He was the last remaining member of my fantasy team, so I’m pissed too. RIP Team “Take Me To Ben’s Megachurch – Hozier.” We had a good run.
Jordan has the next one-on-one date. Yawn. Can we talk about his dumb fucking hair for a second? Homie has straight up Johnny Bravo hair. Obviously he’s hot but this is simply too much volume.
Their date is in Mendoza, which is known for its wines, so they get to walk around a vineyard and get blackout. Meanwhile, Alex literally just had to fuck a horse, but whatever, no one said life was fair. OBVIOUSLY, my favorite part of this date was the grape stomping scene, mostly because I was secretly hoping Jordan would fall the entire time like this classic viral idiot. He remains upright and they hop in the hot tub to make out while Jordan makes smug faces and bites his bottom lip a lot.
Speaking of mama, the awkward topic of Jordan’s family comes up. Essentially, Jordan and Aaron Rodgers fucking hate each other. Jordan tries to drag his brother, who is literally America’s
favorite white quarterback golden child, and make himself out to be the good guy. Because the internet is a bounty of personal information about the Rodgers family, we already know why they don’t get along, but Jordan chose to frame the situation as follows: “Me and Aaron don’t really have that much of a relationship. It’s just kind of the way he’s chosen to do life, and I chose to stay close with my family.” Are we supposed to believe that Jordan and Aaron are not close because Jordan chose to stay close with his family and Aaron is just too Hollywood for them now? This dude is a slimeball and a half and JoJo is seriously blind to it.
JoJo’s group date plans were foiled by rain, so the date literally takes place in her hotel suite. It ends up being pretty funny – they assemble a massage line, play charades and truth or dare, and watch the South American version of The Bachelor. But then, James Taylor pulls some dumb bullshit again and makes everything weird by openly trying to sabotage Robby. Dude, worry about yourself and stop pulling JoJo into your non-issues. JT solidified his departure with his incessant tattling, Robby got naked and drunk, and Chase hardly uttered a word throughout the whole date because he is a nothing person. (Side note – my boyfriend has started calling Chase “Plate,” and I can’t imagine anything more fitting for this boring, blank slate of a man. From hereon out, he will be known only as Plate).
The one-on-one portion of the group date involves each man’s desperate attempt at the very-rushed-week-before-hometowns-revelations-of-love. Robby had already dropped the L bomb on his last date, you know, like a crazy person. Plate tells JoJo “I actually really really do like you a lot” and James goes with “I’m very much in the process of falling for you.” Each one is sadder than the last, and Robby ends up with the rose and some coveted extra *~*solo time*~*
James and Plate are super butthurt, but it’s time for Luke’s one-on-one! I’m happy to see more from him because he’s been pretty quiet all season, and this date places him right in his element.
They have relatively interesting conversation about his life in Texas, which is refreshing because usually they’re only allowed to talk about their past relationships and how they’re like, super ready for marriage. Luke seems a lot more genuine than the other remaining contestants. I’m betting he’s going to become our next Bachelor.
Moving into the rose ceremony, there is essentially no suspense here. James Taylor and his JCPenney shirt/tie box set are going home. Robby, Luke, Plate, and Jordan are headed to hometowns!
The previews for next week look fucking lit. Here’s hoping one of their families does something inappropriate.