Is it already time for hometowns again?
We kick off this *~*amazing journey*~* in Highlands Ranch, CO, which is a far ass suburb of Denver. Our old friend Plate is chillin’ on a mountain, as one does in Colorado, I guess. We soon learn that he’s insecure about coming from a divorced family and carries a lot of sadness around about it – so much so that it has crushed the rest of his personality into an undetectable speck. Fucking Christ, he is so hot and so very boring. Plate’s parents, Mama Spoon and Papa Mug, couldn’t make it work, so JoJo has to go through the bullshit of meeting his family twice. First up – Papa Mug, who has several new step-silverware of his own. He asks JoJo how Plate has been treating her and she replies:
Girl, WHAT? Name one thing he has ever done or said that could be considered “above” or “beyond.” Did your judgement disappear with Plate’s sense of humor? Anyway, since Plate’s parents hate each other’s guts, JoJo has to meet the rest of his family separately. Mama Spoon is ready for the fucking spotlight – bitch got her hair and nails did, scarfed down 3-5 legal Colorado weed chocolates, and popped off for them cameras.
I would literally hate to belong to any of these families. Their houses are so sterile and everyone takes turns talking at a reasonable volume. I need to get on this show and make it to hometowns so people can see what a real family looks like. My dad would be wearing a Buffalo Sabres hoodie, hate-watching Fox News with his feet on the table and our three-legged dog in his lap, while my grandpa shamelessly lifts up his shirt to inject an insulin shot into his plump tummy. Where is the flavor in these families? None of these people even look like they have high cholesterol. Fuck these vanilla-ass homes!
Ugh. I guess we have to talk about Jordan now. JoJo visits his hometown of Chico, California and literally as soon as she steps off the plane, he drags her to his high school to relive his glory days when he was the third string waterboy for the Pleasant Valley Junior Varsity football team. ‘Twas a simpler time. Obviously there were going to be pictures of Aaron Rodgers all over that bitch because high schools get pretty fucking excited when one of their graduates wins the Super Bowl, but Jordan is horrified every time Aaron’s name is mentioned and I truly enjoy watching him squirm. Jordan and JoJo proceed to make out all over the place because apparently someone neglected to tell Jordan that pulling your dick out in a school where children come to learn is a crime.
Jordan’s family is fucking weird and I don’t blame Aaron for not talking to any of them. They gave me some seriously creepy vibes. Let’s do a quick round-up of the squad, shall we?
JoJo leaves feeling great about Jordan’s *spicy* family and draws the conclusion that Jordan is “nobody’s brother,” which is factually just not true.
Off to Florida! JoJo must be picking up some serious jetlag (and rare Pokemon).
Robbie refers to JoJo as his girlfriend several times which makes me exceedingly uncomfortable. Other things that make me uncomfortable include swing states, horses, and Robbie’s soft-serve ice cream hairdo, so this date was tough to watch.
I have to say, Robbie’s family was the coolest of the bunch. I think mostly I just felt comforted by the fact that they yelled over each other at the dinner table and used plastic novelty wine tumblers.
Robbie’s mom was almost as ready for the cameras as Plate’s. She brought the dramz by bringing up some tabloid rumors about Robbie’s ex – fun! Robbie seemed genuinely troubled by these rumors and I honestly believed him when he said it was untrue. JoJo, on the other hand, wasn’t convinced. She gave him the third degree, which on its own isn’t a problem, but when you compare it to her interactions with Jordan, it feels like some serious bullshit. Jordan’s ex claimed he cheated, JoJo asked him once if it was true, he said no, it was over. Jordan literally doesn’t speak to his own brother and claims it’s all due to a “lifestyle choice” and JoJo just accepts that as an answer. Robbie does not get the same benefit of the doubt – he spends half of his hometown date on the defensive. He assures her that this is “a flash in the pan” and that people just “wanna stir things up” and okay is Robbie hungry or something?
JoJo is headed back to Texas so she slaps on her boots and turns her accent up to the max. Luke got his entire fucking town to show up to the barbecue by telling them all it was a Planned Parenthood protest. His dad is sporting his best 10-gallon hat and JoJo is all like “it’s hotter than a four-peckered billy goat out here!”
Luke is essentially a love interest from a Nicholas Sparks novel – he is intense and handsy and says things like “that made mah heart smile.” She keeps emphasizing that he’s the only guy who hasn’t told her that he loves her, but what about Plate? Plate has mumbled things like “I like you a lot” or the always genuine “I’m falling for you” but no definitive L-bomb. Why is he getting away with being a nothing person? Luke literally takes JoJo on horseback to a trail of flowers he has arranged in the shape of a heart. LUKE IS AMAZING.
…And then we’re supposed to believe she was about to send him home? OVER PLATE? Plate. No. This rose ceremony cliffhanger is bullshit. First of all, no bachelorette ever reveals in her confessional who she is about to eliminate. In fact, the second she said she had to “say goodbye to Luke,” I knew she was going to do the exact opposite of that. Luke pulls her aside in the middle of the rose ceremony to tell her he loves her because he does NOT want to go home before getting a shot at those natural DDs in the Fantasy Suite.
After two hours, we don’t even get to see anyone get eliminated. I feel like I give this show so much more than it gives me in return.