This week on The Bachelorette, Jojo and her remaining men continue to perpetuate classic male and female stereotypes. The men tell her everything she wants to hear in order to get laid, while Jojo drowns Thailand in a sea of her tears. Can someone get this girl some Xanax?
What amazes me about this season is what incredible liars some of these guys are. I guess it comes with the territory now that every contestant is not looking for “true love,” but “true love” with a side of Instagram endorsements, fitness supplement sales, and lifestyle blogging. But I’ve read every piece of the plentiful evidence against Robby and Jordan on Reality Steve and even I buy their act when I watch them. What’s a Jojo to do?
The episode picks up in the airplane hangar, the perfect climactic setting for the end of a movie heist or a Bachelorette rose ceremony I guess. Luke finally tells Jojo he loves her, which we’ve come to know by now is somewhat of a death sentence. Boy, bye. Yes, he’s probably a better person than any of her remaining contestants but I’ve never been a Luke fan. I too would dump someone who made me a heart full of flowers and said I “make their heart smile.” Then again that’s probably because I too go for pretty liar boys who hate me.
The men and Jojo all get into that airplane at the hangar I’M SURE and head off to Thailand, the exotic land of islands, temples, and American twenty-somethings trying to find themselves.
Jojo prances around her balcony in her Authentic Thailand Sarong. Robby shows up to his date looking sunburnt as fuck, which only makes the whites of his eyes pop out even more than they normally do.They go get their feet massaged and talk about deep feelings that seem weird to talk about while someone is oiling up your legs. Robby holds an absurd amount of eye contact with Jojo. He looks like he wants to kill Jojo and eat her. I guess he doesn’t want to get caught again, checking out the Thai ladies.
At dinner, Robby gives Jojo a note that his dad wrote him saying he could tell immediately how much Robby liked Jojo. The sort of people who saw this note and went “awww” and thought it was a precious moment are probably not people I’d be friends with. Oh and btw this is the same father making salty comments on Robby’s ex’s Instagram so I guess he has a penchant for the written word and for over involving himself in his son’s relationships.
Robby on this date: I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you
STFU you’ve been shouting this since like episode 2 we get it.
“I get to dream with Jojo” -Robby, on what he’s looking forward to in the fantasy suite.
They continue with this weird “morning after” routine they did on Ben’s season, where Jojo wears a robe and Robby is shirtless, alluding to all the hot sex they had last night. This routine has about the subtlety of placing a box of magnum condoms on your nightstand. Does Jojo sleep in her fake eyelashes?
For her next date, Sporty Spice Jojo meets Jordan on a beach for an uphill hike. What, I get NO metaphor on how love is an uphill battle? The last time I climbed a mountain I literally cried so this date looks like something I would not want to do with a significant other, or anyone I’m attracted to. Jordan and Jojo end up at a sacred temple where you’re not allowed to kiss. Ah, yes, the classic Bachelor temple cock block, where the two people on said date in said no-kiss-zone talk about how much they want to kiss each other and get really horny in a sacred religious place.
Jojo tells Jordan about her family. Jordan is her brothers’ actual worst nightmare and I hope they hate him. Jordan makes a big deal about meeting her father and looking into his eyes. Weirdo. Idk the Bachelor/Bachelorette loves to build up the whole daddy daughter give away tradition but it’s just so irrelevant and creepy to me. Why don’t we care as much about what Jojo’s mom thinks of him? That woman seemed to have a good head on her shoulders last season.
At “dinner” Jojo asks Jordan a lot of pertinent questions about how their lifestyles would mesh, and Jordan, as usual, doesn’t answer any of them satisfactorily but rather evades them with bullshit and makes out with her. Jojo asks Jordan why he loves her. Jordan clearly hasn’t seen many “reasons I love you” speeches from romantic films/tv shows of the late 90s/early 2000s. You’re supposed to name a bunch of cute irrelevant things that make you love her like “how you twirl your hair when you’re nervous!” and “the way you cry every time you watch Air Bud 3!” But Jordan just says he can envision Jojo as his wife at his wedding. Whatever dude I can envision Chris Evans at my wedding doesn’t mean it’s gonna happen.
We are treated to some B-roll footage of a monk meditating on the beach and also the sign outside the Marriott Resort where Jojo and Jordan definitely just banged. Thailand in a nutshell!
Jojo had a great night but now she has to get ready for her date with Chase. She could really see herself falling in love with Chase! She’d be in a real pickle then! Can we just drop the act for a second Jojo and stop pretending that Chase has any chance of bringing this thing home? Like sorry Chase but you have about as much of a shot of marrying Jojo as I do. Actually less, because I have something called a personality.
But this week, Playful Chase™ comes out to…well, play. Playful Chase™ can tease Jojo and make funny voices for fish! (Coiffed Hair and Hidden Anger Issues sold separately). The two of them spend their date in a fish market, a place that has always screamed romance to me. Chase kisses a dead fish and then makes out with Jojo. Sexy!
“We’re in this magical place. With monkeys, and fishermen, and saltwater, and fish. It’s just, today’s amazing.” If these are the things that make places magical Chase, you’re in for a magical fucking life.
In this week’s installment of Bachelorette producers wasting my time, Robby interrupts the middle of Chase’s day to get in a couple more ILYs and smooches. Jojo heads off to the second part of her date with Chase. What a fun fact for him to learn about upon viewing this episode- that she hooked up with Robby a bit in the middle of their date! Jojo knows she’s not picking Chase but he might still be good for a romp in the sack so she gives him the fantasy suite card. Then he tells her he loves her and she changes her mind.
Chase: I love you
Jojo: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative
Jojo dumps Chase and Playful Chase ™ becomes Angry Chase™. There’s always one. But really I can’t blame him for being pissed. Getting dumped on camera in the fantasy suite is a new low and the fact that he didn’t even get to see Jojo naked can’t make it feel any better. But he really shouldn’t be mad at Jojo, he should be mad at the producers that got him to say I love you FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER to a girl who is still dating two other guys. But also, be a little mad at yourself for that Chase, because, c’mon.
Jojo chases down Chase because he can’t leave like this, AKA to make herself feel better about the situation. Just let him be alone with his feelings! He doesn’t usually have them so this is all probably pretty foreign to him.
“It’s like pulling your pants down and getting kicked in the nuts.” -Chase, with this season’s most accurate analogy.
The Rose Ceremony looks eerily similar to Ben’s this time last season, which the producers are sure to remind us of. Remember what a horrible monster Ben was to Jojo?! We’ve turned her into the same horrible monster! Chase comes back “from the dead” because I guess to Robby your life might as well be over once you’re out of the reality TV spotlight. I thought his apology was very classy and mature. Or a ploy to be seen more favorably by fans. But the optimist in me will choose to believe the former.
The two best bros are left as the final two and the three of them do that creepy polyamorous cheers. Now Jojo is left to choose between the former athlete who uses a bottle of hairspray every morning, or the former athlete who uses two. Good luck grl, you did this to yourself.