The Bachelorette Recap: Men Tell All

This week was the Men Tell All, or more aptly, the Boys Tell All, because everyone was acting like a little whiney bitch boy. The only men here are Chris Harrison and Wells. Chad doesn’t count as man or boy because Chad transcends categorization. These BOYS prove they have learned nothing from watching the season and Chad’s subsequent explosion on social media platforms, because they still don’t fucking get it. The worst thing you can do to Chad is not talk about Chad. Yet we spend literally one hour of this episode, that’s one half of the episode, discussing Chad, who wasn’t even in the top ten. I mean I’m not mad about it.

We see from the get-go that ABC is fully prepared to milk Chad for all he’s worth. They’ve finally found their perfect villain, and Chad is totally game to play the part, which mostly involves gnawing on toothpicks and dropping truth bombs. Oh Chad, I missed you.

Is it just me or was Chris Harrison kind of absent from this season? I don’t like it. He gives us an amazingly lit preview for Bachelor In Paradise, which is now not only the craziest show of the summer, but also the “sexiest.” Idk Chris H., Game of Thrones was pretty sexy this summer, what with all the killing and mutilating. I’ve read the spoilers for BIP and I still rewound three times to pause the footage and see who was making out with who. Here’s hoping Ashley I. gets pregnant with Wells’ baby but names it Jared.

In our applause-o-meter rankings, Luke is the favorite, followed by James Taylor, followed by Wells. Sorry that nobody likes you Evan! Truly I had forgotten that Evan existed as a person and I was very disappointed by the reminder.

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When you’re adorable and you know it

It’s montage time. First ABC shows us a “Jojo is Hot” montage, which is mainly close-ups of dem titties coupled with audio of men talking about how big their boners are. Following this is the Chad-centric shit talking montage, though we also hear a few jabs directed at Derek and Alex, mostly by each other. Let the drama begin!

Oh hey Nick, um who are you? OH RIGHT you’re the guy who dressed up as Santa Claus. So maybe never open your mouth again. Someone brings up that Alex and Chad are the way they are because of their marine backgrounds. And I guess a mansion full of Bachelorette contestants is not so different from being in a real live war! Their PTSD must be kicking in. Luke jumps in to tell us that he too was in the military (cue applause and shrieking from the audience), and it doesn’t in fact mean that you have to be a huge idiot loser. You can be a marine and actually just like, be a normal person. Luke is really starting to grow on me in this episode guys…

I guess Luke will be the next Bachelor based on everyone’s general delight for his looks, sad soldier stories, and use of romantic cliches. And the reason I’ve been unhappy about it is…well, all of those reasons. It’s just that he already demonstrated an affinity for all things cheesy with his horse rides, flowers, and “ma heart is yers,” so if he’s like this now, how’s he gonna be as the Bachelor? There’s going to be rose petals and candy hearts like pouring out of my television set. I like a Bachelor with little more spice and like ANY amount of a sense of humor. I just don’t see them allowing that to be shown with Luke.

How small do we think Alex’s dick is? Like micropenis level? How did I know that he wasn’t gonna shut his mouth during this thing? He’s like one of those little yappy dogs that are barely dogs because they’re so small and shitty, and you have to kick them off your leg to keep them from constantly humping you.

Daniel manages to get his head out of Chad’s ass for long enough to say “All you guys did was complain aboot Chad!” I’m very happy to see these American/Canadian relations are still in tact. Just for the record, this episode we saw Chad be compared to Hitler, Mussolini, Voldemort, and Trump. Can we take a moment and look at that group of people? ONE OF THESE PEOPLE IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE US OF A. Ah, I digress. Clearly there are more important things at hand, like Chad eating yams in a trailer.

They finally bring in Chad, Golden Goose of ABC, Black Sheep of the contestants. Just in case everybody forgot the reign of Chad, we are treated to a “Best Of” of Chad quotes. This was necessary because I almost forgot about: “I’m gonna cut everyone here’s legs and arms off, and there’s gonna be torsos and ya know, throw em in the pool.” I love a good murder joke, and this one’s top notch, Chad. Maybe wasn’t a joke, still possibly is a serial killer. TBD.

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Chad walking onto this stage

Chad hasn’t changed at all and it’s fantastic. Every time a guy tries to say something about him, he threatens to reveal his “dirt” on them. But really Chad what dirt could you possibly have on James Fuckin’ Taylor? Did he forget to say Happy Birthday to his grandma one year?

If you’ve been living under a rock (and by that I mean have a life and don’t spend every waking hour reading gossip about the Bachelor and Bachelorette) and don’t know about this Grant drama, I will summarize. According to Reality Steve AKA The Ultimate Spoiler Guide for Everything Ever AKA God, Grant is a super douche who has hopped from one long-term gf to the next, suddenly dumping each for a new girl he met somewhere. His latest girlfriend, Jen, is a Bravo producer. She introduced him to Bachelor producers last summer. Fast forward to this past winter, and one day she just gets a PHONE CALL from him, dumping her out of the blue with little explanation. Next thing she knows he’s on the Bachelor. Ouch. Now Chad’s been doing what he does best and is capitalizing on this drama by hanging out with said ex.

Grant’s rebuttal is that his relationship had been going on for “less than a year” rather than “over a year” as Chad stated. Um is this important? Pretty sure if you dump your girlfriend of ALMOST a year to go on a reality show and used her connections to meet producers, you’re still a douche. He also says to Chad, “You can have her, bro.” GAHHHHHHHHALSJDHFLAKSJDHF sorry that was just me trying to murder Grant through a television screen. First of all Grant, you don’t have ownership over your current or ex-girlfriend and she is not a piece of property you can sign over or “allow” Chad to have. Second of all, maybe try to have like one iota of respect when talking about some you dated for a year and dumped. Way to confirm everything negative that’s been said about you in one sentence. Lastly, a sincere congratulations to Chad, Jen, and Hope (Robby’s ex) for a successful and legendary trolling of their shitty ex-boyfriends.

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It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl

Oh, Santa Claus. You could have just faded into oblivion but instead you’re going to try and embarrass your way into the spotlight/another show. How does it feel that your nemesis Chad has a lifetime offer for any Bachelor Franchise show ever? Nick says Chad is all talk and if he wants to go they should go right now. As much as I would love for the MTA stage to turn into a UFC fighting ring with Chris Harrison as announcer and housewives in the audience throwing their clutches and heels on stage to use as weapons, this was simply not going to happen. So it ended up just being dumb. Chad’s not going to ruin his shoes over a nobody, Nick.

“Think about your thoughts before you say them.” -Chad, oblivious to the irony.

Derek gives us a specific Chad incident where Chad dropped five F-bombs on him in the middle of the night because he moved his protein powder. LOL. Why was this not on camera?! It’s not his fault Derek, roid rage will do that. Chad responds with, “You scared of words bro?” and “Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.” Still so solid with the comebacks, Chad.

Chad continues to spit so much truth and blast everyone with Reality Steve rumors. IS CHAD REALITY STEVE? Chris Harrison gives us the Chad vs. Evan play-by-play we’ve all been waiting for. It looks like Evan just kind of slightly pushed past Chad as people do when they move through seats in a theater, but the audience loves Chad/hates Evan, is all of us, so they take his side even though it’s bullshit. I could watch a GIF of Chad turning and ripping that shirt for a weird amount of time.

Wells is the only one who gets it. Wells gets everything. Wells comes in with the Lord of the Flies references. The Bachelorette IS Lord of the Flies. But Chad is definitely more Ralph than Piggy because in any reference Chad should always be the one doing the murdering not the one getting murdered. Wells for Bachelor. Wells for President.

I like how at the Women Tell All the disliked girls cry about cyberbullying, but at Men Tell All the disliked guys apologize for nothing and just get even worse. We finally close out the Chad segment with Chad being all #NoRagrets and leaving us with one final Chadism: “Sometimes you choose apples when you shoulda chose pickles.” Let’s all take a moment and reflect on that.

Luke comes up and they give us this bullshit narrative about how things went south (pun intended) because he held back. Uh Luke did literally the opposite of holding back the entire season. Every second he was with her he was all intense gazes and passionate kisses where you hold each other’s faces. He seems like a reluctant future Bachelor, like he’ll do it but he’d still rather be with Jojo, hottest living female on the planet.

Jojo comes out looking smokin as ush but with hair extensions. She starts talking about all her strong feelings about the guys and Evan smiles as if she’s talking about him. Child, please. Luke asks her if saying “I love you” sooner would have made a difference. Jojo’s infuriating response is that she can’t say for sure but it might have helped since she’s sooo Words of Affirmation. No, Luke! It wouldn’t have! And shame on you Jojo for making him think it could have! I don’t buy this bullshit idea that hearing someone say “I love you” is what can make you love them or conversely, realize you don’t love them. You know how you feel about someone. And sure, “I love you” might make you feel more confident in the relationship, but hearing it doesn’t cause some lightning rod moment for your feelings to suddenly change.

OMG CHAD. I had to pause the TV when Chad roasted Robby and Jordan to Jojo’s face because I was running around the living room going “OOOOOOOHH” like a kid watching a fight in a high school cafeteria. I mean as usual Chad just said what everyone else in America has been saying online for weeks, but like damn that was cold.

Jojo’s response is exactly the point the men continually miss: “He loves this; this is what he wants. He loves the attention and we’re giving it to him. So he’s not even worth my breath.” *mic drop*

Vinny’s mother who looks like a blonde Big Ang comes out to bitch at Jojo for not picking her son. Good job, Vinny’s mom, he just became so much more appealing to me after you pimped him out to a studio audience! The blooper reel is Jojo being adorable and having weird interactions with animals. Chris Harrison joins in on the drinking game by making fun of the term “amazing journey.” It’d be great if he could just start popping into rooms during the show yelling “drink” so America could all stay on the ball.

And in the best news ever, the men dubbed a room in the mansion the “Garden Room” and gave each other flower nicknames. Robby is sunflower because he tans. Chase is lotus if that’s a flower? Alex thinks Derek is pussywillow. I wonder how long he’s been waiting to say that sick burn. Chad is the black dahlia. Evan is a weed. Chris Harrison is the sun. Why is it always so fun to analogize this show?

It’s one more week til the finale. Who will she choose?!?!?!

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