The Bachelorette Recap: Finale

Usually I try to stay sober for these recaps, so as not to pass out on my keyboard, but three hours of fuckboys calls for a glass of wine or seven, and it’s the finale so yolo I’ll do me. Ernest Hemingway was a drunk after all. Yes, I’m comparing myself, an unpaid writer of Bachelorette recaps, to Ernest Hemingway. I don’t see an issue.

Tonight on the extended promotion for Nemacolin Resort, also known as the Bachelorette Finale, special guests Ben and Lauren are in the audience! And waiting backstage are Robby’s ex girlfriend, Aaron Rodgers, and Reality Steve! Just kidding but that’s who would’ve attended this if all of my wildest dreams came true.

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When you realize you sold your soul to be a D list reality tv staple

To start off the episode, we get five minutes of Jojo walking around different flower beds of Thailand in rompers. Jojo sure loves a flowy, patterned romper. After all that walking she finally finds her destination, the hotel where her family is staying. Did anyone remember Jojo had a sister? Poor Jojo’s sister. Not only do neither of Jojo’s suitors nor her entire family speak to her, but also Jojo is her sister. If Jojo was my sister I’d probably sabotage her and tell her to pick the wrong guy out of jealousy.

Jojo walks in the door and talks nonstop about her boyfriends; she doesn’t even ask what the rest of them have been up to in the past couple months. No one even tries to monopolize/hijack the conversation like they would in my family. But wouldn’t it be great if Jojo was in the middle of describing Robby and her brother was like “So anyway things have been really crazy at work lately,” and just started telling an unrelated story? No, Jojo’s family cares a lot about her love life and they listen without even cracking a smile as she discusses the two different men she’s in love with that she met five weeks ago.

Jordan is up first. He tells Jojo’s mom, “I’m a hugger,” and hugs her as I die of awkwardness inside. Jojo and Jordan talk about the things that are great about themselves and their relationship. “We have banter,” Jojo says, as I stab myself with my fork.

Jojo’s mom fakes nice for Jordan for a hot sec, but with no bottles in sight to chug, she doesn’t last very long. He makes her wear an ugly ass hat and enough is enough. She calls Jordan a playboy in <5 minutes, and that, ladies, is called a mother’s intuition.

Jordan and Jojo are too similar, too likable, too popular, says Jojo’s mom. They are Homecoming King and Queen. I truly agree; I always like to date a boring guy so I can shine more in group settings. We don’t get dick from Jojo’s brothers, which is disappointing, and Jordan leaves without so much as a “may I please have your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

Jojo changes outfits and then Robby comes over. Jojo thinks Jordan set a high standard but she doesn’t know that her whole family hates Jordan! Except her sister whose thoughts are irrelevant as she’s barely a member of this family.

Soraya: Why do you like Jojo

Robby: She’s smart and intelligent and that’s a no brainer

Soraya calls Robby soft behind his back. Jojo and Robby say that their relationship has been an uphill climb…So it’s been really difficult and shitty?? Jojo’s brother likes Robby and tells her to remember that she’s picking a husband and not a NYE date. I guess I’m naive about relationships but I think a great NYE date and great husband share many of the same qualities. Looks bangin’ dressed up? Check. Likes to get wasted with me? Check. Takes care of me when I pass out in a bathtub? Check.

Soraya tells Robby she wants him to make Jojo the queen of his heart. Soraya is the queen of my heart. She looks super milfy in her slinky blue dress, while Jojo’s father apparently gives zero fucks about his appearance. Jojo’s father says he just wants someone to love her. That’s sweet. My dad wants me to pick a career path and to move out of his house and to stop drinking his booze, and then finding love would probably be priority #216 for him, but every parent has different goals for their child I guess.

Of course Jojo’s family likes Robby better because Jojo likes Jordan, and her reaction to this says everything we need to know/already knew. Jojo learns that Jordan didn’t ask her father permission to marry her and she interrupts Queen Soraya to find out more. Soraya roasts her ass and says “He should’ve asked me too.” YAAASSS KWEEN you are my everything. Jojo cries because they don’t give her the answer she wanted to hear and she runs to her room to write Mrs. Jordan Rodgers all over her diary. Tbh I thought her fam was mad honest but also respectful of her choice. Except for Jojo’s sister who at this point has morphed into a couch cushion because that’s how much she and her opinions matter.

Jojo is “torn.” It’s time to ask herself the real questions. Which one doesn’t care if she shaves her legs? Which one will buy the right brand of tampons for her at the grocery store? Which one can best sing a karaoke duet of “Summer Nights” with her? She doesn’t know!!!!

Jojo and Robby go to the beach. Jojo takes her top off and once again I find myself questioning my sexuality. Jojo asks Robby to describe what their life would be like together. Robby recounts a scene out of A Christmas Story and describes in vivid detail their future life (in just three years) with children in the background, dinner burning in the oven, and the specific grape varietal of the wine they are drinking. Run for the hills, Jojo. Robby seems like a fake person. By that I don’t mean he’s insincere, I mean he’s not a human. He’s like…a robot, or Pinocchio, and more than anything he just wants to be a real boy. I mean just look at the man. Does this look like a human, or like a Vineyard Vines mannequin that has suddenly come to life?

Jojo goes to see Robby for their night time date. Robby appears to love hotel slippers more than he loves patterned, colorful socks. Jojo tells Robby, “I think to myself, how did I get here with you? How did a man who wears that much pink make it into my final two?” She thinks it’s because of his desperate early profession of love. So…if kilt man told you he loved you on night one, would he still be here today?!

Robby sums up his idea of romance with the following: “When I’m out hitting 18 holes with the guys, I’m gonna be blowing up your phone.” Awww, stop!

As a special gift to Jojo, Robby went to Fedex Kinko’s Office and Print Shop and had some 4×6 glossy photos printed. Jojo looks through them. That’s the one where we jumped off that cliff together! Oh! That’s the one where fireworks went off in each other’s hearts! (Actual quote). Robby tells Jojo there’s only one more photo to take, and with a sly grin gives her his snapchat username. Nah, it’s the pic where they get engaged! Robby’s confidence is not at all giving away this ending! I definitely think that Robby is the one that shall be hers!

Now it’s time for her date with Jordan. Their conversation goes like this:

Jojo: What do you think we’re doing today?

Jordan: Getting on a boat

Jojo in southern accent: Gettin’ on a boat!

One would think that by now we’d be past the point of dates where you point out pretty things and go “oh wow mountains” as your main conversation. But Jojo is feeling anxious that Jordan didn’t ask for her hand in marriage and Jordan is probs feeling anxious because his hair is not holding up well to the ocean breeze.

Rather than being forthcoming and telling Jordan the concerns on her mind, Jojo buries her face in her glass of white wine and nonchalantly (jk very chalantly) asks him how his conversation with her father went.

Jordan’s face does the twitchy thing it always does when he’s coming up with a bunch of bullshit to spout. Even though Jordan’s response doesn’t seem to make sense, it in fact does make sense. What Jordan should have said is, “Hey girl, I know you’re a grown independent woman that can make her own decisions and doesn’t rely on antiquated patriarchal traditions, and that’s why I didn’t ask your father’s permission,” but he isn’t as eloquent as I am. The point that he kind of gets across is that he feels weird asking her dad for permission to marry her when her dad doesn’t even know if he’s the one she wants to marry. Jojo’s had one too many for this logic bomb and takes it as a sign of Jordan’s reluctance/lack of commitment. Any other time I’d say she’s right, but I get where the man’s coming from here. How can your dad give him permission to marry you when you yourself have not given permission? Did they also discuss your dowry and your in-tact virginity?

After some shots of the Marriott Resort infinity pool and gratuitous abs (alright, they’re not that gratuitous, I liked ’em) it’s time for Robby and Jordan to pick out rings. Robby is up first and tells us, “My heart is exploding with love out of my chest.” Jesus christ this man needs to calm down. Robby the robot writes a note of cliches to Jojo that he thinks are something a human would write, in his perfect robot handwriting. I thought this guy would have better taste in rings, honestly.

Jordan calls Jojo’s parents to correct his mistake. Her parents ask how Jojo’s doing. Jordan tells them she is doing just great, as a distressed Jojo cries a river of tears in her room. You couldn’t have at least had a skype sesh for this Jordan? Jordan picks out a ring 100x better than Robby’s, and what else matters in the end?

Jojo ponders her decision in the jewel-toned robe that every girl wears when pondering decisions. She gets last minute letters that supposedly change her mind but really just make her feel more guilty about the guy she must send home.

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Sometimes I wonder if there’s more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking

But wait! Jordan, too, printed out 4×6 glossy photos at Fedex Kinko’s Office and Print Shop. This changes everything. Jordan and Robby thought sharing the same hairstyle wasn’t enough so they decided to wear the same suit because #brosforlife.

This show should really pull a fast one on us one of these days and have the first guy out of the limo be the winner. But alas, as the first man steps out of the limo, we catch a glimpse of pink on his sock and we know that Robby shall not win the heart of fair Jojo. Baiiiii.

Jojo and all of us listen to one more ILY speech from Robby before she breaks his heart into a million pieces. Every time we get to this point of the season I think about how cruel this show is and that we’re all definitely going to hell for enjoying it. Jojo tells Robby how sorry she is and Robby tells Jojo he’s g2g. You know who is probably really enjoying this? Robby’s ex. We cut to the audience, where everyone has been instructed to look around somberly and give a moment of silence for Robby the Robot and his mechanical heart that will never know love.

Jordan strolls up to a setting sun. He knows what’s up. I spent the season shit talking Jordan based off of third party sources and after he proposed I cried like a baby/huge fucking loser. What can I say I’m a sappy sally. Jordan and Jojo do their signature ten quick smooches in a row and tell each other “I love you” approximately one thousand times.

It’s After the Final Rose. Note that Chad and Lace, resident security threats, are seated on opposite ends of the Bachelor in Paradise aisle. Robby’s sock game is on point as usual, but a Checkers board threw up all over his suit. Jojo comes out and I spill my wine as I gasp, “THAT DRESS THO!!!” Robby realizes his new veneers aren’t going to be enough to win this lady back.

 

Robby asks Jojo questions that try to gauge how down she’d be for a booty call if she and Jordan don’t work out.

Robby: Do you ever still picture a future with me?

Jojo: I’m so in love with Jordan so not rly but also Jordan and I are really happy btw

Am I hallucinating or is Chad making a speech to be the next Bachelor and using his dead mom to do it? Can Chad filibuster his way into the Bachelor shoes? Chad, even I, your number one fan, am at the end of my rope. You were funniest when you didn’t care, munching on pastrami without agenda. But how much you care is just so painfully obvious now that it’s just getting sad. A man eating yams because he fucking loves yams is television I want to watch; a man eating yams for prolonged attention is not, do you see?

Jojo and Jordan discuss their difficulties post-show which include everyone and their mother saying Jordan is a lying man whore and Jojo covering her ears and shouting “LALALALALA.” Jojo and Jordan do not discuss the Aaron Rodgers feud no matter how much Chris Harrison awkwardly tries to force the topic. To celebrate their love, ABC gifts Jordan and Jojo with an all expenses paid vacation to…Pennsylvania! Thrilling. In the meantime Jordan is moving to Dallas, and despite the many misgivings that Reality Steve has given me about this relationship, at the end of the day I’m a sucker and I hope they work out. Come back tomorrow for a sexy recap of the sexy show, Bachelor in Paradise! The drinking game is simple: drink every time they drink.

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