Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Premiere

Shhhhh! Quiet! I’m trying to listen. What’s that sound I hear? *~*Almost paradise, we’re knockin’ on heaven’s door!*~*

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes FUCK YES BACHELOR IN PARADISE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, at this point, the actual Bachelor and Bachelorette shows have gotten so predictable and boring that Bachelor in Paradise is my only relief. It’s the only remaining aspect of this franchise that isn’t exactly the same format every single episode. And being a contestant on this show truly looks like fucking fun. It’s like a fraternity formal that lasts for 3 weeks, but even better because no one has to go back to work afterwards.

The intro is as campy as ever, and I fucking love it. This season, we’re starting off with the following idiots (keep in mind several more will be added each week):

Amanda – The ultimate hot mom with poor judgment

Jared – Eternal nice guy with patchy goatee

Jubilee – Queen of my world

Nick – Would like us to think he’s too intellectual for reality TV drama but instagrams several shirtless selfies each week

Evan – I refuse to have an open mind about him because he flat-out sucks

The twins – Apparently are okay with ABC shamelessly treating them as conjoined objects without names or distinct identities

Vinny – Okay, his mom is the real star and should really be joining us in paradise

Carly – Needs to wipe those brows off and start over

Daniel – Only has a 4th grade, err… grade 4 education 

Izzy – I’m sorry, who?

Grant – Handsome Squidward, secret douche who berates women in his instagram comment feed

Lace – Alternate queen of my world

Sarah – Stop doing these fucking shows

The Chad – Compensating for an empty, sad life with toxic masculinity

As Chris Harrison begins introducing the show, you can see the smirk on his face that tells the viewer, “I fully understand how hilarious this shit is, and I am in on the joke.” We’re all ready for some much-needed levity after JoJo’s season, and Chris is prepared to deliver. And to top it all off, he brought our old friend Jorge the bartender along for the ride. How do I get Jorge’s job?

Seventeen Jade-and-Tanner references later, and we’re off to the races. Not all contestants are created equal, though – some get video intro packages, and some just appear on the stairs like “sup?”

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I’m beginning to understand why we don’t treat them as separate people.

Nick Viall’s intro includes him strolling through town like Mr. Autumn Man with his coffee and deep thoughts. I really am trying to allow myself to like him again after he slut-shamed my BFF Andi on After the Final Rose, but it’s a struggle. Sharleen, queen of the entire Bachelor Kingdom, likes him, so I’m really trying to understand. Hopefully now that he’s on Paradise, he has accepted the Bachelor label and is just going with it, instead of still trying to act like he’s too good for it. He mentions that he hopes to meet Jubilee, which is already helping to restore his image in my eyes. There’s hope.

Speaking of my queen, Jubilee has apparently spent her time since Ben’s season doing productive things like working on her Resting Bitch Face. Lauren H. probably told her it would help her get along better with the other “sacker mamz” if she looked more approachable.

Evan still sucks. He can’t stop talking about how Chad ripped his shirt a year ago. Then he does like, three push-ups in a feeble attempt to impress us.

Chad wants to take this opportunity to show us his softer side. We’re first offered a literal supercut of his very worst moments, followed by a disclaimer from ChadBear that we haven’t gotten to see who he *really is* yet. This does end up being true… but not in the way he was implying. Sprinkle in a few gratuitous shots of him packing up his protein powders and chowing down on slices of cured turkey, and voila, you have a perfect Chad intro package.

Side note: You know that thing when you’re making fun of someone and then they find out, so they try to get in on the joke, but then it’s not fun anymore? That’s how I’m feeling about The Chad. ABC is desperately trying to show us that they’re not like a regular network, they’re a cool network. The Chad fanfare is way overdone and they’re borderline ruining the joke now. Let us have our fun, mom!

Lace is back, thank god. She has been taking some big steps toward self-improvement, which apparently include writing “love yourself” on post-it notes and getting hair extensions. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m ready to party with Lace again this season.

Daniel still won’t shut up about being Canadian and his metaphors have gotten completely out of control. You might recall his initial Bachelorette interview in which he referred to himself as a “lambo” several times. From there, he compared Chad to Hitler and Mussolini, compared himself to a rousing case of herpes, an eagle, a pterodactyl, and crafted some extended metaphor about Chad being on the moon. No one is going to let you come back from the moon, Chad. Daniel said so. Additionally, Daniel claims he’s “not impressed” by any of the women there. He would *maybe* hook up with Amanda, if and only if he had a couple drinks in him. I nearly threw my 3-liter box of Riesling that I stole from my mom at my TV screen when he let that one slip. Daniel, are you fucking kidding me? At least Chad, for all his faults, of which there are PLENTY, can admit that these girls are 10s and the dudes are 6s. I also find this to be true in most real-life scenarios, but that’s neither here nor there.

Amanda’s intro package features her precious baby daughters who stupid Ben Higgins shat all over last season. Despite her heartbreak, Amanda says “I don’t regret what happened because now I don’t have to work anymore and I can just promote Flat Tummy Tea on Instagram.” Anyway, she remains super hot and super sweet – she will be a hot commodity here in paradise. #WifeyMaterial

Amanda and Nick are the first two to arrive in paradise, which is not planned at all. Nick arrives to find Amanda is already hooched up and he asks her if she has ever made out in a thunderstorm before. Almost as smooth as when he asked Andi “would you rather make love, or FUCK?” while they were having sex in the fantasy suite. I had to listen to the entirety of Andi’s dreadfully bad audiobook to gather this information. It was a difficult feat, but I did it…for us. Let’s talk later about the fact that NICK VIALL IS 35 YEARS-OLD.

Okay I really do think we should address that, but now I’m distracted because Queen Jubz is here. Next up is Evan. Ugh. It was hilarious watching each female contestant meet Evan and squeeze out the weakest possible compliment of “He looks better in person!” aka I, and all of America, found you repulsive to watch on television. Evan is starting to get nervous because other contestants are talking about how Chad seems hilarious and they can’t wait to meet him, but they don’t know the real Chad who is capable of ripping the v-neck off your back!!!!! Jubilee remains unfazed and is just like “didn’t they tell you that Chad was a savage?” while Evan tries to remind them it wasn’t all just deli meats and sweet potatoes, he like…literally threatened to murder people.

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Anyway, Vinny shows up out of nowhere, screams at the top of his lungs, and mispronounces Puerto Vallarta. Like, same. Carly faced the ultimate humiliation of being dumped by a ginger on national television last season, but is still not ready to give up on these free all-you-can-drink Mexican vacations sponsored by ABC. The twins are back to do what they do best: narrate the living hell out of this show. Their commentary is lowkey accurate and hysterical, even if they claim they’re only here to “check out all the bulges.”

ChadBear finally arrives (last of course) and tells Chris Harrison he doesn’t want money or fame, just a girl. Totes. Daniel immediately hops on his dick, much to the chagrin of the lady contestants, who completely abandon their senses because Chad has muscles. Seriously, every woman on that beach folded like a fucking cheap suit when Chad arrived. I know damn well they’ve all seen JoJo’s season, yet each and every one of them soiled their bathing suit bottoms when he showed up. Sarah even said “Chad’s the kind of guy you need to chip away at,” which is code for “I can change him!” which is the most stereotypical feminine reaction to the bad-boy archetype. She soon learns just how wrong she truly was.

Once everyone has arrived and gotten sufficiently sauced, Chris sits them down to tell them the rules, which are essentially “put out or get out.” Additionally, the twins are to be treated as one entity, because they are not two individual women.

The twins are literally only here to satisfy the classic blonde twin porno fantasy. Treat them accordingly. Do not even try to learn their names.” – Chris

In the hubbub of this episode, I almost forgot about the actual premise and date structure. But it still exists, I guess, and Queen Jubz gets the first date card. She takes Jared and they talk about Lord of the Rings amongst a shit load of piñatas. They do not question why there are so many piñatas and then a fucking Mexican clown pops out and I quickly realize I am too high for this shit right now. Anyway, Jared is actually a gem; he has been tested thoroughly and always comes out looking graceful and patient. I don’t see any sparks here, though. I do, however, see a fucking scary ass payaso humping the air.

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Who is responsible for this?

Jubilee and Jared may not have had the explosive chemistry we seek in this show, but guess who the fuck did? Lace and Chad. Here’s how their relationship went from 0-100 then back to 0 in 12 steps (pardon the alcoholism-related irony):

  1. Chad reveals in his intro package that he’s interested in meeting Lace.
  2. Lace finally gets to meet Chad and nearly slips in her own puddle.
  3. They both drink heavily.
  4. Lace tries to drown Chad in a hot tub.
  5. They violently make out in said hot tub, while Izzy and Vinny are mere inches away.
  6. Chad gives Lace a concussion while aggressively shaking her and screaming “I GOT MONEY. I GOT MUSCLES.”
  7. They stand six feet apart and scream at each other over who will make the long walk to the other person.
  8. Chad recites a few lines from BuckCherry’s smash hit “Crazy Bitch” to represent his growing relationship with Lace.
  9. Chad calls Lace a cunt.
  10. Lace reveals that on a scale of 1-9, her disappointment ranks a 9.
  11. Lace decides to ignore Chad and hang out with the other contestants, who she finds to be really “genuous.”
  12. Chad yells, and I quote, “I’ll kill your children. Dolla dolla bill, y’all!”

And just like that, they were over. In like a lion, out like a……lion. Definitely still like a lion. Sigh, why do all good things come to an end?

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What could go wrong?

Unfortunately, Chad cannot accept the rejection he’s facing at the hands of Lace and lashes out in a way that is truly no longer funny. He insults the one person in paradise you simply cannot insult for the one thing you simply cannot insult her for. Fun’s over, y’all. Go the fuck to bed.

The fun soon returns when everyone wakes up and realizes Chad has shit his pants.

Chad refuses to apologize and even doubles down on the unthinkably cruel mocking. What a fucking loser. I thought him and Lace were a match made in heaven, but Lace is different. Sure, she’s a trainwreck, but she’s self-aware and apologizes when she knows she’s wrong. Chad does not deserve Lace. Lace is a queen. With this in mind, Chaperone Chris shows up to send Chad home.

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I literally did a spit take when this happened. These are the funniest words ever uttered on The Bachelor or any of its spinoffs.

Chad fights back and lashes out at Chris Harrison, who apparently loves his robes and mimosas. Soon, though, the truth is revealed in a statement that went largely under the radar – Chad angrily uttered on camera, “I have nothing in my life.” This is the sad reality of Chad, and all Chads of the world. He is a deeply troubled man, and it appears that getting him off of this beach is going to be no easy feat. Actually, no, ABC could have him out as fast as they want to, but they’re dragging this out for ratings because they don’t actually care about his demeaning, cruel, or dangerous actions. The shit they’re allowing these women to go through is shameful. Still, this ratings strategy is bound to work because we’re obviously all going to watch Chad cling to his fifteen minutes in paradise next week.
Also happening next week, emotional abuser Josh Murray comes back to claim his next prey. Again, I read Andi’s terrible book so you didn’t have to – trust me, Josh is a piece of shit who does not deserve love. Especially from our dearest Amanda. Hey, maybe this will make us all like Nick again, though?

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