This week in paradise, the intro music has been slightly changed, The Chad has been banished, and newcomers arrive to fuck everything up.
But first, before finally boarding the long bus ride back to Tulsa, Chad yells at Chris Harrison a little more, tells us he’s going to “fuckin’ Tijuana,” eats some turkey, and complains that now he’ll NEVER be the bachelor! Also he says something about the women in the house “vibin’ his meat taste,” but honestly I don’t have the energy to get into that right now. There’s too much other shit going on.
Chad’s departure has now secured the demise of an additional woman, and to make matters worse, Leah has shown up and brought along her brand new face. I thought I was the only one who noticed, but I immediately received three texts from friends asking “what the fuck happened to Leah’s face?” and it wasn’t long before the contestants caught on:
Leah has joined us in paradise for one reason: attention. She left Ben’s season in dramatic flames, opening up the door for her to get some cosmetic work done and head to Puerto Vallarta to seek a date with a man she knows will make good television – The Chad. When she finds out ChadBear is already halfway to Tijuana by the time she arrives, she settles for Nick. They go on a very mediocre date that culminates in a kiss, allowing Leah to put those new lips to work.
It’s pretty clear that Nick isn’t very into this date – at least clear enough for the producers to notice and promptly slip Nick a date card because there are no fucking rules in paradise. These producers know that anyone who watched Ben’s season still thinks Leah is a little crazy, so they manufacture a situation to destroy her in 12 hours or less. So, date card in hand, Nick chooses to take Amanda on his date and we get the pleasure of watching Leah implode. Her downward spiral does not take long – while Amanda is getting ready for her date, Leah screams in her ear “I HAVE THAT SAME BRONZER. STOP TRYING TO BE ME, AMANDA!” which is probably supposed to be a joke but is way too awkward to be funny. The twins say what we’re all thinking, as usual:
Nick and Amanda’s date goes reasonably well, securing her a rose this week. The rest of the women are not feeling so sure, and take matters into their own hands in an attempt to enjoy another week of paradise. Lace takes the traditional route and sleeps with Grant to clinch her rose (and seven more days of free booze). Sarah is testing the waters with several dudes, and they appear fairly receptive. Carly is stuck with Evan, who she finds to be disgusting because, well, he is. They share a lame kiss the night before the rose ceremony and their reactions could not be more different – Evan thinks it was awesome and returns to his room to stroke his untoned belly till he falls asleep, while Carly barfs up her dinner, which to be fair was mostly tequila anyway.
Moving onto the rose ceremony, Leah is in full psycho mode. She immediately goes to Nick to explain to him why she is right for him and Amanda is wrong. Now, I’m pretty sure that the whole schpiel about Amanda being “needy” and “dependent” because she has kids was horribly spliced (the sentences did not flow at all and sounded very choppy), but still Leah is not coming off well. Her makeup is quite harsh, the hair is slicked back, and she’s screaming “LOOK AT ME!” in Nick’s face. Her confidence is quickly turning into craziness, and she’s not making this decision difficult at all for Nick. In a show of goodwill, he is honest with her about where his rose is going. Disappointed yet determined, Leah accepts that Nick’s rose is off the table, and decides to try her luck with Daniel, who continues his love of incorrect extended metaphors in their conversation. In Daniel’s mind, Leah is both an onion and an orange, he is still an eagle who refuses to become a pigeon, and Chad is still somewhere in between Hitler and Mussolini and also on the moon.
This rose ceremony just fucking reeks of desperation! Leah is not the only one forced to make her case to the numb nut idiot dudes in charge of handing out roses this week – Izzy and Sarah are fighting over Vinny, the twins are certainly working hard to make their presence known, and Queen Jubz is somehow still fighting for her chance to stick around. I hate the weeks when the men have the roses. It’s awful to see these women have to beg for the attention of these losers who for the most part don’t even deserve to be on the same insect-ridden Mexican island with them.
When the ceremony finally begins, the roses are distributed as follows:
Grant gives his rose to Lace in exchange for the *~*rose*~* she gave to him the night prior.
Nick gives his rose to Amanda and Leah’s eyes roll so fucking hard.
Evan gives her rose to Carly and she questions if life is even worth living anymore.
Jared gives his rose to Emily and therefore Haley because sexism is still very real in our media and culture.
Vinny gives his rose to Izzy even though he literally just made out with Sarah.
And Daniel gives his rose to Sarah because he randomly decided he liked her about 4 minutes ago.
That leaves Leah and Jubilee without roses. I think we were all rooting for Leah’s demise, but damn, does Jubilee really have to leave us so soon? This sucks. If you are a normal person with a decent personality and actual depth, you will not make it on this show. I refuse to shade the twins in an effort to build up Jubilee, but this is some doodoo for real. Queen Jubz, we hardly knew ye. You were, and continue to be, too good for this show.
But like LOL Leah good riddance you dumbass. She exclaims that she has “never felt more embarrassed” in her life, but like damn… This is the second time Leah has allowed the ABC producers to make her look like a complete and total idiot, and this time it only took them about one hour flat. This girl has suffered a DISMAL fate at the hands of these evil producers. Her public image is worst case scenario for a reality TV star. Congratulations Leah, you played yourself!
And just when I think this episode couldn’t possibly take up any more of my life, I realize there are still 40 minutes to go. And another hour-long episode tomorrow. Hey, Chris Harrison, can I live?
Things are going well for Nick so naturally let’s throw Josh Murray into the mix. Josh tells us “I want to find a wife more than anything,” which actually means “I sure would like to rehabilitate my image and get the last word after my ex wrote a tell-all book about what a douche I was in our failed relationship.” As I mentioned last week, I read “It’s Not Okay” so you don’t have to. I’ll sprinkle in some deets as they become necessary to share throughout the season.
First of all, can we address the way Josh speaks? What is this accent? Also, can we talk about how hilariously unconvincing it is when contestants on this show try to act like they don’t know exactly what happened on every season before theirs? Like “OHHHH, Josh was on Andi’s season? And Nick was runner-up? You don’t say!” I’m not buying it, you fame whores! Stop trying to sell me tooth whitening products!
Anyway, Josh has been sent here to steal Nick’s gurl and it happens almost instantaneously. As it just so happens, Amanda has two daughters and Josh has a dog so like omg they have so much in common!
I knew this would happen, but the return of Josh Murray has me liking Nick more and more. Nick sucks but no one is worse that this asshole, and honestly, I think Nick is faring much better than Josh in the looks department these days.
Anyway, *of course* Josh gets a date card and takes Amanda. While they head off on their boat date, Nick gives us a reminder of Andi’s book. He confirms that everything Andi said about him is true and figures if she was telling the truth about him, she was likely telling the truth about Josh too, which is cause for concern, to say the least.
Here’s the scoop on what Andi said about these two in “It’s Not Okay”:
- Essentially, Josh was an emotionally abusive, sexist, and controlling partner. He told Andi she was “selfish” for wanting to go back to her job as an attorney, and called her a “bitch” and a “whore” routinely. He kept tabs on her social media accounts and interrogated her about the men she followed on Twitter, often accusing her of inappropriate conduct that never happened. He walked out on her best friend’s wedding because she wasn’t giving him enough attention (she was the maid of honor) and used his “faith” and “values” to justify his glorification of traditional gender roles.
- Nick’s portrayal was considerably less abusive and alarming, but borderline more embarrassing. Andi claims that her sexual chemistry with Nick was so explosive that she couldn’t wait to get him alone in the fantasy suite. Things were going great until, at the height of their steamy sexcapade, Nick blurted out “Would you rather…. Make love, or FUCK?” I mean… he admitted it was true, so….
Amanda asked Josh about the book and he flatly denied everything, claiming they just “had different values,” and that “God knows the truth, and that’s all that matters.” But like, no, Josh, that’s not all that matters.
I really like Amanda, but she’s an idiot if she goes for this dude. She likely will not run into the same specific problems as Andi, because she already has kids and doesn’t work in the traditional sense of the word, but that doesn’t mean trouble isn’t imminent. Now, let me be extremely clear – absolutely no shade at ALL to women who do not work, but it should be your choice or a mutual decision agreed upon by you and your partner. In Josh’s case, this seems to stem from a twisted set of “traditional values” and a control obsession. If you have kids and you don’t want to work, more fucking power to you! But if your partner forbids it, fuck that. Josh clearly did not want Andi having a piece of her life that was independent from him – be it work or even something as innocuous as a weekend getaway with her female friends. He is a douchelord who is incapable of trusting a woman he is engaged to marry and clearly threatened by the empowerment of his romantic partner. I truly hope this relationship does not result in a marriage.
In lighter news, Carly fucking hates Evan. He takes her on a date that consists of them eating habaneros and kissing for 2 straight minutes in an attempt to break a Guinness Book World Record. Evan calls habaneros the “hottest pepper known to man” which is wrong and I know this because THE CAROLINA REAPER is the hottest pepper and one time I rubbed one on my roommate’s toothbrush for an awesome prank. Anyway, Carly and Evan share an awful kiss that results in a very long spit strand and later, both of them blowing hot turds into their respective toilets for the rest of the night. Spoilers say this relationship turns around, but at this point, I can’t see them coming back from this.
Meanwhile, Emily is sharing her foolproof tips for getting a boy to kiss you. Such tips include: “try some small talk to loosen him up,” “turn on your side so your lips are prepared if he goes in for the kiss,” and “whenever a boy comes, you should always have something baking.” In the end, it works because the twins are always right about everything.
It appears Josh and Amanda are now a full-on couple, so Nick confronts Josh about his douchiness and Josh blames it on God. I have a bad feeling that in the real world, beyond the edits of this show, Josh is the real villain – dare I say, potentially even worse than the ChadBear.