Last night, as Americans, we were faced with a difficult decision. We could choose to watch some of the greatest athletes who have ever lived compete for glory in a grand international tradition, or, conversely, we could watch hot people get drunk and make out in beach cabanas. I can’t not acknowledge how these two options so accurately depict the spectrum of American values.
Anyway, I know, I’m ruining Paradise by trying to add any analysis to its beautiful simplicity. We begin the episode with Daniel losing track of his numbers, as he attempts to count his six pack. Eight pack? Ten pack? The producers are sure to let us know that Amanda and Josh are very much still an item by showing us the same footage of them making out seventeen times in a row. Nick grits his teeth and tells us, “I don’t actually give a shit,” whilst giving the most shits a person has given, ever. The good news for Nick is that after his third time being dumped on television, the tides have finally turned and viewers have begrudgingly decided to root for him. While the “third time’s a charm” saying almost never rings true for someone in the Bachelor franchise, it seems that it might for Nick.
Daniel has I guess decided that Sarah is the right bird for him, and Sarah is just desperate enough to not immediately laugh in his face. Sarah tells Daniel he’s intriguing and that he makes her laugh, but it seems like she’s convincing herself as much as she’s convincing him. If you want laughter Sarah, see a show. Buy a joke book. Try some whip-its. Do literally anything other than fuck Daniel, please.
These producers coming up with who should arrive to Paradise on which day is like the most complicated logic puzzle ever; I’m honestly impressed. I’m imagining the BIP producer area to have a Beautiful Mind type of collage wall with pictures and red string. These mad geniuses are thinking at a NASA type level. And so, Christian shows up. He’s interested in Sarah, or….Amanda, shocking. Amanda is this season’s Jade. Why do all these men gravitate towards the hot, demure, shy girl? Why I’m single is suddenly making so much sense.
Josh I hate you. And I honestly don’t think it’s Andi’s tell-all I didn’t read, I think it’s just you. Why does your voice sound like you’re running for mayor of podunk, Georgia? Why you gotta moan so aggressively when you’re sucking face with Amanda?
Carly hates Evan, because, well, she’s a human woman. Nick advises her, “There’s no reason to say no.” Nick, there is literally every single reason to say no. Daniel says, “Evan just needs to be less Evanish.” For once in his life, Daniel truly just gets it. Evan giggles and then we see some B-roll of a dead fish on the beach, because I guess the BIP editors also just get it.
“Evan just doesn’t have any swag. Evan gives me erectile dysfunction. Evan makes me dry inside.” -Carly, voice of a generation.
Carly feels bad about not liking Evan but not quite badly enough to not talk a bunch of shit about him in her interviews. She takes Evan aside and tells him that she’s just not that into him, and if he could never talk to her or touch her ever again, that’d be great. Props for your honesty girl, but your and Evan’s mutual fondness for wearing assorted fair trade bracelets is telling a different story.
Jared tells Carly that if she threw up after they kissed it’s probably just not meant to be, shows an ounce of personality for the first time in two seasons. Daniel rubs in some sunscreen on Jared’s back and I’m crossing my fingers that we’re finally going to get a homosexual storyline on this show.
Christian and Sarah go on a date. Sarah repels down a waterfall with one arm and Christian smiles a whole fucking lot. Color me impressed. I was really happy though to finally hear someone describe Sarah as “sexy” and “hot,” rather than “sweet” and “nice” and other friendzoney words.
Back at the villa/resort/sex club, Evan mopes around in his bed over the demise of his two day relationship with Carly. “I really do have a lot of feelings in my heart,” he says. Um, no one was ever doubting this Evan. This guy just doesn’t get it. For someone whose professional field revolves around what turns people on, you’d think he would have a better idea of how to be even slightly appealing.
Some kid shows up that is so irrelevant, Chris Harrison shades the fuck out of him and his not-even-D-list ass. Apparently he was on Des’ season which essentially makes him a dinosaur in Bachelor relevancy. Seriously what producer’s dick did he have to suck to get on this shit?
Carly’s instinct to be mean to this irrelevant newcomer is immediate and she’s all like “Who even is that?” About 2.5 seconds later she remembers that she is desperate and he has a penis so she runs over to say hi/fall in love. Carly calls Haley, hot blonde twin, boring, because a) she’s been programmed to lash out at other women to cope with jealousy and insecurity, and b) because I guess she knows nothing about what men on a reality dating show want.
Emily has half of a beer and gets drunk because she weighs approximately 80 lbs. She cries because she can’t make out with Amanda (same) and gets her hair braided as a consolation prize. She would just die if Jared saw her like this, so naturally Jared is pushed into the bar area by a producer. Feeling awkward, Emily yells, “I’m pretty tight, right?!” to ease the tension, as we all do in such situations.
Daniel is concerned about Sarah’s date with Christian, because he gave her a rose last rose ceremony. It’s shocking to me how any of these people still think that giving someone a rose means dick as far as their ongoing relationship.
“The male birds here, they’re swooping down and trying to get some of the scraps, but I’m an eagle and this eagle is going in for the kill tonight.” -Daniel, resident bird enthusiast.
The best part about Daniel’s eagle references is that he’s so hardcore Canadian. The official bird of Canada, if anyone was wondering, is the Canadian goose. And let’s be real, if we’re picking spirit birds, do we consider Daniel more goose, or eagle?
Daniel and Sarah sit on one of these beach mattresses on what I guess is supposed to be a romantic date. Their conversation literally goes like this:
Sarah: I don’t know what it is about you.
Daniel: I feel like I’ve been dropped on my head a couple times.
At least he’s self aware? Sarah calls Daniel “goofy” and asks him to tell her more about how jealous he is of her and Christian. Sarah wants some dudes to fight over her Amanda-style and I feel her. Can we stop using euphemisms for Daniel such as “peculiar” tho, Sarah? Can we just call a spade a spade and say that this dude is straight up stupid?
“I do want to kiss you but I don’t want to give you the Zika Virus.” -Daniel, back at it again with the sexy virus talk.
Haley finally gets the chance to get out from under Emily’s shadow and differentiate herself as an individual, and what does she do? She brings her twin on the date and they switch places five minutes in. Let’s be real Hales, you just pulled this shit to get out of your date with this huge fucking dud. This man is the definition of a wet blanket. His spirit bird is a seagull. This shit was actually funny as fuck though, Emily straight up had the same conversation he and Haley just had, and dude didn’t care/listen at all.
Meanwhile, Vinny/Izzy, Grant/Lace, and Amanda/Josh all make out in the same 3 ft x 6 ft area and label themselves “the sexy six.” This is literally something I would’ve called myself and my friends whilst writing on the stalls of the middle school bathroom.
How can Amanda and Josh make out for this long? Don’t they get bored of that shit after like eight fucking hours? Evan tells us that in paradise you “pursue every friggin’ option,” summing up both the fundamental issue and genius of this show’s premise. Evan writes a note to himself, telling himself that he deserves love in a treehouse with Amanda. You deserve nothing of the sort, Evan. Stop applauding yourself for this ridiculously cringe-worthy and idiotic decision. It is mind-boggling to me that you think you have a shot in hell with this 10, who just dumped hotter-than-you Nick Viall for extremely-hotter-than-you Josh Murray.
During bloopers, we hear Evan and Jared contemplate the quote, “Two roads divulge into a yellow wood,” reminding us that on average this group of people has read less than 2 books in their life and reads at about a fifth grade level. To be clear, I’m not begrudging anyone who doesn’t fully remember this quote, I’m begrudging people who think two roads DIVULGE and use said misquote to analyze which women they should next hit on in BIP. Robert Frost is rolling in his grave.
I couldn’t decide whether or not to comment on After Paradise, because on the one hand I think it’s stupid, and on the other hand it’s hard for me to not comment on things. So I’m going to limit it to my top ten take-aways from the whole dumb thing.
10. If Sean Lowe is Bachelor Royalty, I don’t want to be a subject of Bachelor Nation. For further explanation, see desperate/misogynistic appearances on Marriage Boot Camp and Celebrity Wife Swap. That baby tho!
9. Diablo Cody watching Bachelor in Paradise makes me feel a little more okay about watching Bachelor in Paradise.
8. Jubilee is the ultimate voice of reason.
7. I can truly think of nothing worse than being nauseous af on a couch, and having Evan Bass come over and rub my body while declaring me “the most beautiful thrower-upper” he’s ever seen. Carly officially has the worst life ever, and I’m sorry.
6. If Jorge isn’t a Chad fan, then I cannot be a Chad fan.
5. I think it sucks that someone thought us watching a Skype session with Spencer Pratt was worthy of our time. Also, why was it over Skype? Was it because ABC didn’t care enough to dole out the money for Spencer’s travel? Or did Spencer Pratt have more important things to do, such as motor-boating Heidi’s Double Fs? Just curious.
4. Lace looks a million times better sans ratty extensions. Is actually pretty eloquent when not three sheets to the wind.
3. Chad is 5% sorry for what he said to Sarah, 95% more interested in making faces at her when she talks.
2. This shit wasn’t even important enough for Chris Harrison to show up.
1. Josh Murray is a Lulu Lemon crow.