Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 4

Despite the Producers’ best efforts, which included dick jokes, foam parties, and a minor case of alcohol poisoning, this episode was a bit of a letdown. Chad has long since retreated back into the cave from whence he came, and Ashley I. has not yet arrived in all her ugly-crying, Kardashian glory. Without these two lightning rods for drama, we’re left with….Evan. It’s not that Evan is boring, per se. But watching Evan is like watching a car accident. You truly do not want to look but simultaneously cannot look away.

Evan is suddenly freaking out that Amanda simply cannot know Josh that well. Clearly he, who also met Josh one day ago, knows what is best for this grown, capable, single mother of two. Evan reads Amanda his fake date card. Josh and Amanda react the way you might when a little kid shows you a shitty picture they drew for you. Even Josh, who seems to be threatened by Nick breathing too closely to him, is not threatened here.

Evan and Amanda retreat to the world’s most awkward non-date that has ever occurred.

Evan: I’m really into you.

Amanda: That’s interesting.

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When your “friend” decides he’d like the chance to bone you

Evan tells Amanda that he’s been watching her from afar. Amanda starts crying. Evan reports back to Jared that things went well and Amanda is definitely into him. Brb gotta grab a pillow to scream into. Meanwhile Josh does what Josh does best and eats an entire pizza whilst moaning. People who moan while they eat should be banished to a deserted island. Also, Josh would like plain cheese pizza, and he would say that the best pizza he’s ever had is from a 2 star Mexican resort. Amanda comes back and Josh grins that Amanda is in high demand. Josh wants Amanda like he wants the biggest stuffed animal at the carnival high striker game.

Josh and Amanda take the term “hot and heavy” to a new level. Not sure which of them is physically wetter. The whole thing is less erotic to me than Daniel shaving Vinny’s back, and is about as erotic as Evan’s smile when he’s trying to be flirty.

At the rose ceremony, Sarah gets to pick between Christian, who emotes like a Pixar character and describes himself as “dominant,” or Daniel, who thinks bees can impregnate you and is just a meh kisser. It’s honestly the least exciting love triangle ever.

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Christian is that you?

The twins decide with their mutual brain that Brandon can’t stay because he couldn’t tell their identical faces apart after knowing them for one hour. I guess we’re still pretending that’s the main reason not to date this guy.

Evan decides to do what he does best and beat another dead horse. He googles the Amazon summary of Andi’s memoir and decides to inform Amanda of a book she already knows about. Because when hitting on a girl doesn’t work, trashing her current bf definitely will drive her into your arms.

Lace and Grant, resident pot-stirrers, decide to get in on this action. Grant supports any and all douchebags who want to vehemently deny anything their ex-girlfriend says about them, so he pulls up his Newsie suspenders and runs to tell Josh what Evan said.

Josh confronts Evan and says Andi’s book isn’t here for the right reasons. He tells Evan that this book is completely fictional because Jesus loves him and the Lord said let there be light. We’ll set aside the problematic fact that Evan only decided to bring all this up in an effort to get in Amanda’s pants, because for once Evan sucks less of the two people in the conversation.

Josh: The facts are that it’s a fictional story

Evan: Why not sue her for libel?

Josh: Glory be to God

Josh tells us he prays for Andi and my eyes roll all the way up to the heavens. That line is more condescending than Caila’s perfection. The thing is, there are two sides to every story. And I would buy Josh’s spiel a lot more if he admitted to literally any wrongdoing in their relationship. He could say he has a different perspective, or defend his actions. But to say the entire thing is complete fiction, after admitting HE HASN’T EVEN READ IT, is just a huge red flag.

Evan has Knight-In-Shining-Armor Syndrome. He’s seen one too many eighties teen films, and firmly believes that the way to win over a woman is to continuously woo her even after she’s expressed her disinterest multiple times.

“I have a bunch of little sisters here that I try to protect, but also hit on.” -Evan

Sarah inexplicably gives her rose to Daniel and Lace can’t help but laugh out loud. Carly gives her rose to Evan. She thinks he knows that this rose is platonic. Thinking Evan knows anything is a gross overestimation. Haley gives the rose to Nick because she’d rather be alone than spend another moment with this boring face:

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“That was weird.” -Brandon, on his BIP experience. Yes, Brandon. Yes it was.

Caila enters the beach to fairy princess music and a bunch of rock-hard johnsons. These guys have no chill when it comes to Caila and her Pantene commercial hair. Nick and Jared want to brush those luscious locks and Evan probably picks out names for their children. Every girl wants to take her out into the ocean and drown her.

Nick hits on Caila by telling her that her dress looks fantastic. Or is it a gown? No one wears a fucking gown to the beach, Nick. If this is how you flirt idk how you managed to be two different women’s runner-up. Jared digs Caila but doesn’t want to get too excited. “She could easily ask Nick, or Daniel,” he tells Sarah and Carly. “Or Evan.” Everyone literally bursts out laughing.

Is there something in the Puerto Vallarta water that makes Jared such a fucking prize? Has anyone seen his teeth? Boy has some very sharp incisors and always seems like he’s on his period. But Caila asks Jared on a date. Jared is a gentleman, so he says he has to talk to Emily first, but definitely yes. He tells Caila not to get sunburnt while he’s gone, and goes to speak to Emily about ten feet away. Emily sees what most of these delusional fools miss, which is that if he wants to go on a date with Caila, making a scene will just make her look like a pathetic loser. So she saves face whereas Ashley I. would’ve been cry-snotting into his shirt by now.

Emily is a classy lady so she waits until Jared leaves to start talking mad shit about Caila. “She’s fake like a pageant queen,” says the girl with false eyelashes, bleach blonde hair, and a boob-job. That being said, I don’t disagree. The twins are who they are personality-wise and Caila’s actual personality is still just a giant question mark.

Caila and Jared of course have a horseback riding date. These two are a match made in boring Disney heaven. IRL I feel like horses are just not that romantic; they shit constantly and smell accordingly, and you usually look stupid if you don’t know what you’re doing. But Caila and Jared aren’t real people so they end up looking like the cover of a grocery store romance novel on these majestic steeds.

The Sexy Six have apparently dwindled to the Fantastic Four. Lace is excited for this double date because her and Grant have been a couple since day one. You mean day two, right? Try as you might nobody is going to forget your blackout rampage with the Chadster, sorry grl.

Emily considers her comparative strengths and weaknesses to Caila. Emily is prettier, sweeter, has a better heart. Caila has fat lips, is better at kissing and blow jobs. Tie game. Jared comes back from his date with Caila, and beats around the bush for an hour, leading Emily to lay it all on the line.
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Last Season Jared might have stuck with Emily out of obligation but This Season Jared wants to be true to his heart and the butterflies it feels with Caila. Fuck Jared, because Emily looks too cute to cry right now.

Emily: “I feel like everyone always gets what they want, and I never do!”

Spoken like a true hot & spoiled white girl.

It was a bummer, though, to watch Emily, a fun and confident girl who is only 23-years-old, and is generally very well-liked by other contestants, so quickly doubt herself based on Jared’s rejection. And while the twins are continuously shown as dumb blonde sex objects, girls like Caila are shown as “wife-material.” I’ll marry you, Emily. I pick you.

The Foul Four continue with their obsessive need to name themselves things. Grant and Lace are “Grace” because when you think graceful, you think those two, amirite? Vinny and Izzy are “Vizzy” which I guess is now the term we’ll use for when the two least attractive people in any situation subconsciously recognize it and date each other.

The Farty Four give self-congratulatory speeches on their deep romances. Grant gives a speech about how he connected with Lace from the moment he met her. That would be cute, except for the video footage of you calling Lace “a mess” and saying you felt sorry for any guy that dates her. LOL, GRANT. And Vinny gives a reciprocal speech about Izzy that would be cute, except for the part where he randomly ditched Izzy to make out with Sarah and see how he liked that comparatively. Honestly, Vinny talks about Izzy with the same passion one might use when talking about a nice throw pillow or a pair of socks.

“I’m totally in it to vin it.” -Izzy

Bye. I’m done.

Sarah and Carly invite rejects Daniel and Evan over for a weird lonely singles party. Daniel and Sarah are still pretending that they’re into each other, and Evan struggles to do one single push-up. Carly’s drunk goggles and desperation make her now find Evan only 50% repulsive.

“Sometimes I’m incredibly creeped out by that man,” -Something Carly says about a guy she will, according to spoilers, be engaged to within the next two weeks. Say whaa?

Evan maybe passes out, maybe is a giant attention whore, but the producers will do anything for a good phony ambulance dial. Carly is like, “OH NO, WE PLAYED DRINKING GAMES!” Girl, calm down. The producers apparently believe these contestants to mate similarly to rabbits, so they essentially lock Carly in a room with Evan until she makes out with him. Evan’s strategy of relentless cliche-speak has found the one person desperate enough for it to work on.

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This looks like a great opportunity to talk about consent!

The Flaccid Four go to a foam party at a Mexican club. Izzy has never been to a foam party! Lace is like lol, just another Tuesday! Then they all participate in a public dry-hump orgy show, which brings Lace back to her high school days. Some bitch with a censored face tries to cross Lace like an amateur. Grant “protects” her. I think this scenario is Lace’s version of a storybook romance.

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SPRING BREAK 2016!!!

Back at the beach, Nick sulks about how bored he is. Why is every single person on this show always whining about how they’re the only single one? Band together and have some fucking fun. You’re getting paid to be on a beach in Mexico with an open bar…tell me again why your life sucks.

In other noteworthy news, Josh drops cream cheese on his sweaty crotch. Is generally disgusting. Daniel offers up his rose to whichever twin is willing to put out. Jared seems to finally be happy. Ashley I. enters to ruin his life once more.

Ashley tells us that she and Jared have been up and down for a while. I thought she was kidding for a second, but then I remember that Ashley I. resides with Evan on Planet Delusional. Apparently one season of crying over Jared wasn’t enough and I’m pretty alright with watching another go down.

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