Good Lord. This show is like a Shonda Rhimes drama that should have ended three seasons ago and has since gotten completely out of control. Ashley I. is one breakdown away from smothering Jared with an oversized beach pillow, because if she can’t have him, no one can. Romantic candle-lit dinner dates have been replaced with booze-fueled grinding dates plucked from a high school boy’s wet dream. And Chris Harrison is apparently just done, so we’re now throwing random washed-up men who may or may not have ever been on this franchise onto the beach every twenty minutes. Ok.
We pick up on a conversation where Ashley I. is once again trying to convince Jared to like her. Because we all know that when you like someone, the best way to make them like you back is to literally beg them/cry. I’m still going to refer to Ashley as “Ashley I.” for two reasons. One is in honor of former BIP contestant Ashley S., who was crazy in a completely different sense of the word. The second is because people who are called by their last name and first initial are generally in kindergarten. If/when Ashley I. proves her emotional intelligence to be above that of a kindergartener, I will drop the initial.
Anyway, Ashley I. tells Jared that it’s hard for her because of the “glimmer of hope” he once gave her. Honestly, what do we think constitutes a glimmer of hope if you are Ashley I.? Someone asking you to borrow a pen? Someone holding a door for you? I don’t know, but this bitch is so far gone I can’t try to attach any logic to her actions. Jared legitimately considers abandoning Paradise and the chance of bedding a sex panther, just to rid himself of this straight up stalker. He bluntly tells Ashley I. for the 700th time that he’s not interested in her, and Ashley I. literally responds, “Are you sure you don’t wanna be with me, ever?” OH MY GOD. Jared and Caila could literally have sex in front of Ashley’s beautiful virgin face and this bitch still wouldn’t get the fucking picture.
Ashley I. heads over to the bar to maniacally laugh/cry at poor Jorge, one man who cannot escape her while also staying employed. She tells him she would rather be in a full body cast than see Jared with someone else. The melodrama is real, people.
Carly has apparently resigned herself to a vomit-inducing life with Evan, which I guess, if your only other option is dying alone…nope, still would pick dying alone 10 out of 10 times. On the bright side, his relationship with Carly means that this particular delusional train wreck is kept off camera for most of the episode. It’s the little victories.
Going into this rose ceremony, I’m legitimately nervous, because as a viewer, picking whether I’d rather have the twins or Ashley I. stay is a real Sophie’s choice. The only thing that could make it worse is for Daniel to be the one holding their fates in his hands. Talons. Claws?
This week, Daniel is Papa Bear, King of the Jungle, President of the states, and Gandhi. The rest of the contestants joke that Daniel is a strange alien, which I guess is a nice way of saying that he was most likely lobotomized at one point in his life. Daniel wants to be wooed. He has convinced himself that being the only single guy is somehow a result of everyone wanting to be with him. He would like grapes, fine cheeses and wines, precious golds, and artifacts. Sarah makes him a cake, which is unfortunately not on his list. They try to engage in some forced dirty talk involving cake ingredients. Has it come to this, Sarah?
Haley is just about ready to throw in the towel. She can’t compete with a cake. But rather than anyone leaving this crabs-ridden hellhole with any dignity, it’s time for the women to literally whore themselves out for roses again. Emily has zero qualms about pimping out her twin sister and tells Haley that she must kiss Daniel. Why Emily can’t do it herself is unclear.
Daniel tells Haley that the moment he saw her butt it was love at first sight. Haley gives the least convincing performance I’ve ever seen and that includes the opening scene of Crossroads where Britney Spears plays a nerd about to lose her v-card to Justin Long. She gives Daniel a peck one might use on their ailing grandmother and promptly runs away.
Also throwing her hat into this ring of desperation is Ashley I., who only moments ago told us that this experience was her living nightmare and she wanted to go home. Ashley I. saying, “I’m just going to leave!” has all the conviction of my mom saying, “Fine, I’ll just do it myself!” The martyrdom is real, people.
Daniel is still holding out hope that he can pop Ashley I.’s cherry, though at this point why anyone would want to bear that particular burden is beyond me. Likening that event to a battle in ‘Nam is probably the most accurate metaphor we’ve heard from Daniel. Unfortunately, we only get snippets of what I’m sure was a graphic and comparison-laden monologue from Daniel about taking Ashley I.’s virginity. I would literally pay thousands of dollars for that footage.
Sarah and the twins have an awkward sit-off over Daniel. Daniel’s “got power like the Pope.” Guys, remember that one time when Pope Francis had to decide which hot blonde he had the best chance of fucking on-camera in a Mexican villa?
It’s rose ceremony time. The “couples” give out their roses as expected. Jared gives his rose to Caila, and it’s a dramatic moment for no one but Ashely I. and her psychosis. Daniel chooses…Haley. Wait what?! I guess the “hot twins” fantasy trumped the “defiling a virgin” fantasy. And I guess both of those fantasies trumped keeping around the one girl he might have some semblance of a shot with.
I thought a cat was being drowned for a second but nope it’s just Ashley I. crying again. Yet…we know this ratings darling can’t be going anywhere. Ashley I. comes back to the group and Nick groans a groan for all of America. This scene plays like a high school movie where the misfit girl makes a big awkward speech at the Winter Wonderland dance and everyone’s just like “Ok.” She asks them if she can come back now that her intentions are pure, and I guess we’re now pretending that the contestants are in control of this decision. The fuck? Last I checked this isn’t Survivor, and Poor Sarah, who never had any false intentions, is still going home, while Ashley I. still intends to do nothing but sabotage Jared’s love life. If there was ever any lingering doubt over whether this show truly wanted contestants to find love and happiness, I think this whole scenario clears that up.
Carl (who?) shows up on the beach. He has a lot of dumb tattoos and that is Emily’s type. Their age difference is not an issue because he’s just planning on banging her and she’s the perfect age for that. Brett (who?) shows up with a lamp, repeating a gimmick that no one remembered or thought was funny the first time. Izzy sees a man in jeans and flip-flops carrying a lighting fixture and tells us that this is her exact perfect man.
Ashley I. has turned over a new leaf. Rather than trying to ruin Jared’s relationship by crying to his face, she’s now going to try and ruin it by going behind his back. She encourages Brett to ask Caila on a date. Again, she demonstrates how little she knows about men/Jared, because seeing Caila go on a date with another guy only serves to make him jealous and pine after her further. This bitch can’t even ruin shit right!
Jared and Caila talk about the date. Jared’s like, “I don’t want you to go, but if you want to go then you should totally go, even though if it were up to me you wouldn’t go, but do what you want, really.” Caila is high again and changes her mind 27 times before deciding to indeed go on the date. That’s gotta be a resounding response from a girl you’re into and just asked out.
Emily, Carl, Caila, and Brett, all head off on a booze cruise. Nobody can remember Carl’s name, including Emily, because nobody cares to. Caila realizes she’s just not a booze cruise type of girl. Meanwhile Emily is EXACTLY a booze cruise type of girl, and seemingly welds her limbs to Carl’s body for the duration of the date.
Back in delusional city, population Ashley I., she yet again makes a move for Jared, because “this is what romance novels are made of.” No, no, NO. Ashley I.’s problem is that she reads books like Twilight and thinks they’re representative of real relationships. She is the living, breathing embodiment of a Taylor Swift song circa 2009. Which is problematic, because this bitch is 28 years old. Also, can we take a sec and imagine if Ashley I. was a dude and Jared was a girl? Her ass would have like 3 restraining orders slapped on her and like possibly would be in jail. I’m not saying that to mean that women overreact in response to obsessive men, I’m saying Jared should be reacting more and like should maybe be concerned for his safety.
Ashley I. tells Jared that she thinks Caila is a backstabbing whore. “It’s a little bit of a joke and half-heartedly completely true,” she says. Yup, good work, Ashley I., keep jealously trashing the girl he’s into. That’ll make him want you. Is Ashley I. involved in some type of “How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days” wager? Is she writing an article for Composure magazine? Because I’m starting to think it’s impossible that someone could truly be this clueless.
Caila comes back from her date, and Jared immediately puts as much distance as possible between himself and Ashley I. Caila tells Jared that she hates all of this pressure. It’s almost like she doesn’t want to confess her undying love for someone after knowing them for one day. What an evil bitch. Anyway, she’s not into Brett and wants to continue to get to know Jared. He interrupts her mid-sentence to plant one on her, which just seems like such a Jared thing to think is romantic.
Ryan (who?) shows up on the beach, looking like he just came from another beach where his plane crashed and he had no access to a razor.
Ryan’s strategy is to have bad jokes and bad game. Sounds like a foolproof plan to me. Daniel dubs him the Silver Fox, here to take away Haley Pigeon from the Papa Bear in the most ratchet inter-species tale since Lil Bunny FooFoo.
Jared tries his own hand at sabotage and tries to get Ryan to ask out Ashley I. Ryan’s hesitance to throw himself on that sword is…palpable, to say the least. But hey, Ashley I. is a good-looking girl so he figures he’ll feel her out. Never fear, though. Ashley I. sits down for this convo wearing her I ❤ J.H. T-shirt, recites an ode to Jared the Perfect and throws herself onto his funeral pyre. Ryan’s out.
BIP Producers are at this point realizing that the only couple they have to tout as this year’s Jade and Tanner is…Grant and Lace. So Grant “arranges” a couples massage for Lace and tells her he loves her. Lace does not say it back because Lace is the type of girl who only says “I love you” to a man’s voicemail, while blackout, after he’s dumped her.
Izzy simply cannot contain herself from jumping the bones of the jeans and flip flops wearing dream that is Brett. In case anyone missed it, Brett wore jeans and flip flops. She checks in to make sure he’s DTF before breaking the news to Vinny. Does it appear to be motivated entirely on Brett’s appearance/outfit? Yes. But if she’s willing to dip on a relationship for a guy she barely knows, was it all that strong of a relationship? I’m gonna say no.
Vinny can’t believe she’s throwing away everything they’ve built over the last five days for a guy she met five minutes ago.
Vinny: I’ve given 100% to Izzy from Day One
Vinny: Except for that time I made out with Sarah
I get that this probably sucks a fat choad for Vinny, but she didn’t pull a Kirk and fake it, she told him pretty immediately. And guess what, gentlemen talking shit; she’s known this kid for two weeks. She’s not your damn wife. But if she does decide to go for Brett, best of luck to her when Vinny’s scary ass mom pounds down her door in a few weeks.
Tomorrow it looks like we’re in for a Caila vs. Ashley I. showdown, with a high chance of tears and possible snot rocketing in the evening. As much as I love to watch Ashley I. she’s making it harder and harder to root for her…and easier to root for Caila. Can I get some Wells up in this bitch?