For the third hour this week, I’m worrying about a bunch of drunk strangers with uneven tans.
Let’s dive right in, beginning with the life-shattering bombshell that Izzy and Vinny have split up. JK who the fuck cares? I couldn’t figure out whose side I was on in this breakup, probably because I wasn’t all that interested in the first place. Izzy broke up with Vinny for a dude wearing flip-flops, and that undoubtedly sucks. But Vinny totally made out with Sarah and no one ever addressed that. Apparently Izzy had “doubts” about their relationship even before Brett’s exposed ankles arrived in paradise, but never brought them up to Vinny. Vinny is now leaving Mexico, and none of us even know whether or not Brett has any interest in Izzy. And worst of all, The Sexy Six is broken up! Anyway, I’m bored with these 7s. Bring on the 10s!
Well, you know what they say – ask for 10s, and you shall receive. #JANNER IS HERE!!!!!!! Yes, everyone’s favorite promotional advertising couple on Instagram has arrived to prove that you can indeed find love in a hopeless place, or as my sister brilliantly put it, “where a Playboy model can find love with a Toyota salesman and run away to Kansas City.” Everyone fucking loves Janner, so this was a helpful morale boost after Vinny’s departure.
Jade and Tanner recount their paradise romance, stating “This is the story we can tell our children someday about how we met!” Hmmmmmmmm. Let’s unpack that. Tanner arrived in paradise really hoping that Jade was there, because he had previously jerked off to her Playboy videos and wanted to check out the real thing. Jade settled on Tanner for her first date only because Jared was already taken by none other than Ashley I. Then, Jade and Tanner got drunk and made out on a beach for three weeks until Tanner picked out the ugliest ring of all time (look it up, I’m not lying) and proposed! It’s just how every little girl imagines meeting her one and only true love.
Either way, Jade and Tanner are true authorities on paradise now, so they get to judge everyone and manipulate their destinies with a date card. Each couple is forced to go through a rigorous Janner interview process and prove their worth to paradise’s only successful couple.
First up, we have Jade’s best friend, Carly, and resident billy goat, Evan. Carly reports to Jade that Evan made her throw up at first, but now she can manage to only minorly gag while interacting with him, so things have really progressed. It’s upsetting to watch a funny and attractive woman settle for a human ferret before our very eyes.
Grant and Lace don’t exactly wow Janner. They soon deduce that Grant has told Lace he loves her, but she hasn’t said it back. This is a big no-no. Lace reminds everyone that they’ve known each other less than two weeks and that she doesn’t want to tell someone she loves them until she’s very sure that she means it, but her answer does not satisfy this group. When did Lace become the most reasonable person on this show?
Amanda and Josh are just the worst, huh? Josh tells Janner that Amanda is unlike any other woman he’s ever dated because she’s “selfless,” you know, unlike Andi whose unforgivable crime was wanting to use the law degree she spent several years and thousands of dollars to achieve. Bitch. Tanner read “It’s Not Okay” so he sees right through Josh’s serial killer vibes and refuses to hand them an undeserved date card.
Nick and Jen play it cool and recount their new relationship to Janner, who are hardly paying attention at this point.
Caila and Jared easily come off as the most natural and happy couple, and it’s clear right away that they’re going to end up with this date card. But not before we hear from their number one fan, Ashley I. Jade asks Ashley what her ideal paradise scenario and her biggest fear are. Surprise, surprise, both revolve around Patchee Goatee McGee. “My biggest hope coming into this is that Jared would come around, and then my biggest fear is that he leaves engaged to Caila.” – Ashley “I came here to get over Jared” Iaconetti. OH MY GOD, ASHLEY. STOP.
Of course Jared and Caila get the rose, not because they’re particularly great, but because everyone else sucks that bad. Ashley is great television and I’ve always enjoyed her and thought Caila was really annoying, but Jesus, I can’t even take her side anymore! This persistent delusion is rooted in Ashley’s fundamental misunderstanding of the fact that even if Caila were out of the way, Jared would not be interested in her. The problem here is not Caila, so there is absolutely no need to call her a “bitch” or “whore” or my personal favorite, “little piece of shit.” Ashley is putting Caila down because she thinks she’s the only thing standing in the way of her make-believe relationship with Jared, but that’s clearly not the case.
Caila and Jared have a really good date and make out in their underpants! Jared bashfully reveals that he “can definitely understand what Ben was talking about” when he called Caila, the cutesy, infantile 23 year-old, a “sex panther.” I don’t fucking get these dudes. Whatevs, they’re a perfectly nice couple and I suppose I wish them well.
Caila and Jared get to talk about the Ashley situation, and agree to not let her get in the way of their relationship anymore. Immediately afterward, Jared lets Ashley get in the way of their relationship. Ashley, who has the most obviously impure motives of all time, tells Jared that Caila just isn’t that into him, and for some god forsaken reason, Jared bites. He goes to Caila and says “people” have been telling him bad things about her, and knowing full-well who these “people” are, Caila has the appropriate reaction of flipping the fuck out. I gained SO much respect for Caila in this moment. Her confrontation with Ashley was measured and firm, and she articulated her feelings without resorting to insults like Ashley. This was like, the most respectable argument I’ve ever seen two women have on a reality TV show over a guy uglier than both of them. Caila acted like a grown ass woman and really took care of business. Ashley needs to fucking stop “making out with Jared’s mind” in an attempt to prevent him from going to the Fantasy Suite with Caila. There is no stopping this train, gurl. Again – where the fuck is Wells? He’s our only hope.
OH, and BY THE WAY, if I were Caila, I’d be just as annoyed with Jared for buying that shit. Jared is using Ashley’s obvious attempts at sabotage to pressure Caila. They have known each other for less than a week and still, she’s made her interest in him abundantly clear. Jared obviously wants more from her and is willing to say “people are saying you’re not that into me” as a way to get Caila to step up her game. Hey Jared, Caila’s commitment is perfectly appropriate for someone who has been on two fucking dates with you. Do not use Ashley’s gossip as a means of scaring Caila into dropping L-bombs before she’s ready. EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW NEEDS TO CHILL.
Finally, I need to address Carly and Evan. Ugh, Carly, babygirl, I am so sorry for what this show has put you through. Caila and Jared get to make out in their underwear in a waterfall, Josh and Amanda get to make out on a boat, and you’re stuck with habaneros, sweat lodges, and squirrel monkey Evan. These fake “ancient ceremonies” are also getting old. The entire Mexican race should sue ABC for defamation. I guess the date goes well for them, and now we’re expected to believe that Carly’s feelings for Evan have magically turned around, but I am just not buying it.
We’ll be back next week with another geography lesson from Daniel and the twins. Did you guys know Abraham Lincoln wasn’t actually the first president of the United States? And people say this show is mind-numbing!