Last night’s doozy of an episode began and ended with an Ashley/Caila duel. In this chaotic mess of a television show, I have to say, the symmetry was actually quite comforting.
Ashley and Caila duke it out for a few minutes, culminating in Caila telling Ashley that Jared “loves her like a sister” which is the sharpest dig I could ever imagine. Caila is low-key stone fucking cold. They agree to not talk to each other for the duration of paradise and Ashley threatens to pull an Edna Pontellier and kill herself in the ocean. Not dramatic enough, you say? Well, Ashley agrees. She literally prays to her dead dog, Lucy, to help her on her journey to find love. ABC took some serious artistic liberties here, giving us a montage of feral Mexican dogs before leaving us with this final image:
Luckily, Lucy really pulled through for her former owner – Wells appears and is as adorable as ever. All of America wants to fuck this dude. Our paradise dwellers, however, desperately need him to take Ashley on his date or she will die and take everyone down with her in a literal flood of tears and snot. Apparently, the only way to make her stop crying for a brief moment is to distract her with a charming radio DJ. Everyone neglects to realize, however, that Ashley’s mental health is like a drunken Jenga game, and as soon as the Wells piece is pulled out, the entire structure will fall apart. DAT’S BECAUSE YOU CAN’T LOVE SOMEONE UNTIL YOU LOVE YOURSELF, ASH.
Everyone basically made Wells’ decision for him because, as Nick put it, “For paradise and humanity to continue, this needs to happen.” No one bothers to be subtle about this at all – Wells gets a fucking standing O when he asks Ashley on this date. Fortunately, the two seem to have a really nice time talking about Instagram, tacos, and Hanson. I complain a lot about how all the conversations between couples on Bachelor shows revolve entirely around the progression of their own relationships and that they never talk about anything normal. This date provided some relief on that front; it was refreshing to get through a whole date without anyone asking if the other person is like, ready for marriage, or saying they could see themselves “falling for” the other. It was weirdly exciting for me to see two people talk about normal shit on a fake television date.
Meanwhile, back at the beach, Lace is feeling herself reach the cusp of stability and happiness, so she swiftly begins planning her self-sabotage. Grant is understandably annoyed at her attempts to taunt him but sees through her game and resolves the fight relatively quickly. I was pleasantly surprised with Grant in this situation – he knew exactly what she was doing and instead of blowing up, he deescalated the argument and helped Lace realized her self-worth. Then they did shots. Aww!
And then there’s Josh. This dude is like, very obviously a murderer, right? He’s super rude to Jen and Nick about the “boomboom room” he has claimed for him and Amanda, then all hell breaks loose when he finds out that Amanda had the audacity to go to sleep without getting his permission first. His tone and demeanor are really fucking alarming – I believe everything Andi said in her book 100% after this episode. Homie is a straight up dick.
Even after being scolded for where and when she chose to go to sleep, Amanda tells Josh that she’s falling in love with him. GIRL, NO. Josh jokes that she’s “in trouble” for her “Houdini act” but it doesn’t really feel like a joke and I’m honestly shuddering. Haven’t you seen Sleeping With The Enemy, Amanda? This dude is going to rearrange all the cans in your pantry!!!! Put on a disguise and run away!!!!
I’m making the conscious choice to not discuss Evan and Carly this week because I’m writing this recap in a Starbucks and I really don’t want to vomit in their public restroom.
Has anyone else noticed the rose ceremony attire is getting progressively more casual as time goes on? Josh is wearing a Lululemon t-shirt, for fuck’s sake. Aside from that detail, the rose ceremony starts off pretty standard:
Carly – Evan
Ashley – Wells
Jen – Nick
Izzy – Brett
Caila – Jared
Lace – Grant
Amanda – Josh
Then the twins are up. They’re not vibin’ with any of the dudes here, so for some reason they decide to leave instead of spending another week drinking on the beach. Their presence and astute commentary will be sorely missed. Unfortunately, their untimely departure means Daniel, Ryan (who?), and Carl (who?) are all going home.
Before heading home to Vegas, though, the twins leave a path of fucking destruction in their wake. They pull Amanda aside to warn her about Josh because he will most certainly end up chopping her up into little pieces sooner or later. Amanda seems moved by their warning and tells Josh she’s having doubts. Josh takes it really well and calmly reassures her that the rumors aren’t true and that he’s a nice guy. JUST KIDDING, HE GOES ON A FRIGHTENING DIATRIBE.
Despite the abundance of red flags, it doesn’t take long for Amanda to cave in and totally let Josh off the hook. She’s frustrated that everyone generally thinks Josh is a jerk, but can’t offer her any “specific examples.” Girl. GIRL. He just flipped out on you because you went to bed without telling him. Andi Dorfman wrote an entire book on his abusive and controlling tendencies. How many more examples do you need? This is not going to end well.
The house is all abuzz as Josh pretends to pack his things up as if he’s actually going to leave, because we all totally believe he’s not just being dramatic to make Amanda feel guilty for questioning him. I feel icky watching this whole thing go down. Luckily, this beautiful but brief Lace/Caila interaction brought me back down to earth. Thanks for always being there when I need you, Lace.
After everyone is done talking shit about Scott Peterson, I mean Josh, they all fall into a deep slumber. While Wells is the only person awake, the producers sick thirsty-ass Jami on him. Ashley is surprisingly okay with the news that her man has been snatched away, at least for like five minutes. Then she flips the fuck out. Ashley, girl… You need Jesus.
More to come tomorrow!