I’m still unsure whether I enjoyed this episode. On the pro side, we got a small glimpse of what it would be like if all our wildest dreams came true and Wells was the Bachelor. On the con side, somehow, against all odds, we are still not done watching Ashley I. cry about things. How much of my life will be spent watching one single woman cry? I’m not even mad anymore, I’m just disappointed.
Right out of the gate, Ashley hits us with three separate quotes, which I will rank in order of how delusional they are:
3. “I think that Caila is the type of girl that likes attention.”
Totes Ash. And you’re just that laidback chill girl who likes to kick back with a beer and a burger and “hates drama.”
2. “I did this out of the goodness of my heart.”
Do you even have a heart? Or is there just a Jared-shaped hole where that organ should be?
1. “Can you imagine Jared leaving Paradise without me?’
Um, yes. Yes I can. Literally no one is expecting that or rooting for it.
Caila’s departure is weird and sudden, but I can’t say I blame her for not wanting to spend another day chilling with a girl who may murder her or shave her head in the middle of the night. Tbh though I don’t see this relationship going anywhere with or without Ashley’s involvement. They both seem like boring people pleasers who order the chicken when they go out to eat. Still, Jared chases after Caila’s uber and catches her, just in the nick of time. It’s so spontaneous he doesn’t even remember to pack any of his things!
Once Jared departs, Ashley’s crazy fog begins to lift. It’s like she’s been so cracked out on Jared and chasing his probably small dick that she’s been completely unaware of her actions, and of the fact that they’ve all been filmed for national television. “I’m going to look like a fucking lunatic!” she says. No shit, girl.
Wells returns from his date with Jami. Everyone tiptoes around Ashley, waiting for her inevitable meltdown. They all talk to her like she’s a mental patient capable of relapsing into insanity at any moment. Jami has run the numbers and is 89% sure that her date was better. Jami didn’t say her favorite band was Hanson, so I’d concur with those odds. Wells takes Ashley up to a bunk bed, seemingly to reject her, but then the unthinkable happens: Ashley doesn’t cry. Has she finally figured it out? Or have her tear ducts finally gone dry after all these years? Just when you think she might be sane, she tells us that Wells is the guy she “got over Jared with.” UGH, NO. Is this transference? Is Wells her new Jared? Run Wells, Run!
Lauren H. has spent her time in between reality tv stints slathering on that Jergen’s Natural Glow. She is downright sparkly. Unfortunately for Izzy, floral two-piece sets do it for Brett like jeans and flip-flops do it for her. He tells us Lauren is so scrumptious he wants to eat her. That’s not even me making a joke, that’s just what he said verbatim. But before the guys can even jizz on Lauren, Shushanna arrives. It’s unclear whether her name is pronounced “Show-shanna,” or “Shush-anna,” so everyone just calls her “Shoe.” Shoe is here for this. She walks onto the beach in a bra and a pair of cut-offs and offers to take a shower with Wells. I respect it.
Lauren and Shoe have double date cards, and are clearly here for the sole purpose of fucking shit up, so they ask Brett and Wells respectively. Ashley does what she does best and immediately starts calling Shoe a Euro-trash Russian whore.
Karma’s a bitch, Izzy. But it’s not clear whether Brett has ever even liked her or whether he’s just been going with it because there’s been pretty much no other option for him to stay drinking Mai Tais on this beach. Also, he’s kind of a loser and I’m unsure why either of these girls are into him. I don’t know why we always end up with these hot ass twenty-something-year-old women fighting over leftover scraps from four seasons ago.
Brett thinks Lauren is very hot, but also thinks Shoe is very hot and enjoys checking her out even though she’s not the one who he’s currently on a date with. Meanwhile Wells manages to remain adorable even while checking out Shoe’s ass. He’s not used to being put in the position of Reigning Fuckboy of Paradise and is unsure what to do. On the one hand he’d like for Shoe to fuck him and kill him, on the other hand he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Am I supposed to believe that Wells has truly gone through life up until this point not realizing his appeal to women?
Back at the house Nick tells Ashley to stop being desperate and to ignore all of her natural instincts/personality. She should really hire him to be her full-time life coach. Evan spanks Carly and hangs brain, because idk, I guess someone decided that this episode just wasn’t repulsive enough.
Josh and Amanda go on a date and try to convince us they’re cute. They’re still not cute. Josh gives Amanda a sermon about all the persecution he’s had to rise above. I definitely think Josh, a wealthy good-looking white male, has a real understanding of what it means to be persecuted. He seems like he lives a life of extreme hardship. People like Josh are so frustrating because they spend all their time thinking other people are out to get them and refuse to ever look in the mirror and acknowledge that they might be the problem. Like if you’re a person who finds yourself with a lot of “haters” and “enemies,” it’s very probable that you suck.
I kind of can’t believe Amanda is buying this shit when Josh tries to blame Nick’s sour grapes for sabotaging them. Are we forgetting the part where your two best friends asked him for his opinion? Amanda says she’s a good judge of character and is a smart girl so she’s going to go ahead and ignore any and all red flags. I’m not one to judge, because I’ve gone out with plenty of pieces of garbage against the advice of my friends, but at least I knew/acknowledged they were pieces of garbage. I’d support her way more if she was like “Yeah, he’s probably a douche but he’s hot and I want to catch some d in Mexico.” How can you truly know a person you’ve spent 15 days with? Like have you guys even discussed the fact that he’s a Trump supporter?
After Paradise was actually interesting for the first time ever because Caila, Jared, and Ashley had to all sit on the same couch and pretend to get along, and because Nick was announced as the next Bachelor. Honestly I’m positively giddy that it’s not Luke. But I’m kinda actually concerned with the producers’ capability to manipulate my thoughts, because this whole season I liked Nick more and more, and now he’s the Bachelor? Did they brainwash me into wanting this? Anyway, before his Bachelor run Nick needs to work on being less sheepish and on not getting dumped in the finale. Best of luck, boo.