All good things must come to an end. And as we bid farewell to summer, we also bid farewell to watching these beautiful disasters canoodle on the beach. This week’s episode was a pretty dull affair, as newcomers have zero chance of developing something, yet still show up in Paradise to humiliate themselves for some reason. Now all that’s left to do is watch the couples freak out over whether they’re really going to agree to marry someone they met 20 days ago. I definitely feel like we could’ve combined the two episodes this week and maybe just deleted the part where Tiara the Chicken Girl shows up.
Anyway, Tiara the Chicken Girl shows up. If it wasn’t already abundantly clear, this girl is game to do literally whatever to extend her fifteen minutes on television. She has a date card with some chicken pun on it, and the group barely musters up a fake chuckle. No one cares what her name is so they just call her Chicken Girl, and no one really cares to talk to her, except for Nick, to steal her date card.
Nick and Jen go on a carnival date, because who doesn’t love carnivals? (Me). ABC hires some fake Mexican fortune teller to make shit up about Tarot cards that applies to Nick and Jen’s televised romance. Nick and Jen are also getting paid, so they too act like this fortune telling is relevant and important.
I want Jen’s body. Also want her voice. Also want to be making out with Nick. What? Who said that? What’s happening to me? Nick and Jen always seem so serious and sober. They’re both trying to force this thing hard. On paper it should work; they’re both really hot and not visibly insane, so what’s the problem? Nick cops a feel on Jen’s ass one more time to see if she could be “the one.”
Brett feels “a little something,” like a semi-chub, with Lauren, and that’s apparently more than he’s ever felt with Izzy. Their “break-up” is super awkward and middle school-esque, like did they even have a relationship? Five seconds after getting dumped, Izzy realizes that Vinny was the guy for her after all, and exits Paradise puns blazing (sorry). She’s unduly hopeful that she will get a fairytale ending with Vinny. No, no, no. NOPE. Can we not? First of all Iz, getting rejected sucks, but you don’t handle said rejection by calling up the guy you dumped as a means to make yourself feel better. Second, if any of this regret over Vinny was sincere, you would’ve realized it before Brett dumped you and you found out you weren’t getting a rose. This whole shebang was entirely selfish and immature and I have mad respect for Vinny for not falling for it. But how good must it have felt for him to get that phone call?
Tiara continues to partake in whatever stupid crap the producers ask of her, which results in an Emmy-worthy montage of her eating chicken. She ponders if she’ll die alone, as if she expected that coming onto BIP on the penultimate day was truly going to bring her lasting love. You probably won’t die totally alone Tiara. You’ll still have your chickens and maybe a couple thousand twitter followers. Honestly, if anyone’s earning their twitter followers here, it’s the bitch who was like, “Why yes, you certainly can film me eating chicken wings alone on this beach.”
It’s rose ceremony time and Wells is basically the Bachelor. Jami and Ashley try to catch a Wells but Shoe is tired of hunting. Shoe knows that she’s a hot ass bitch who shouldn’t have to try for a dude. YAS, GIRL. If there was really a great connection, she tells Wells, it wouldn’t be such a tough decision. YAS, GIRL. She says, “I don’t fight for guys. I don’t fight for love.” YAS, GIRL. But wait, like why’d you come on two shows where that’s the entire premise, though?
I’m so over this rose ceremony. Tiara is just chill with having flown out here to fly home literally the following day. How great would it be if Josh just came up and was like “Chicken Girl.” But nope we get some hardcore romantic music and a speech about true love. Grant loves Lace more. Evan loves Carly most. CAN YA’LL JUST HAND OUT THE ROSES THO? Maybe I’m dead inside. Brett says that rather than sticking around to stick it in Lauren, he’s gonna do the right thing and head home. I guess, but ru gay? I still don’t get why none of these peeps just stick it out for a couple extra beach days. They’d have to pry my single ass off the barstool while everyone else was getting engaged.
Ashley’s reasons that Wells should pick her include a) he’s known her longer. Literally a day longer. And b) she just knows in her heart that she likes Wells more than Jami does. This sounds a lot like how she just knew in her heart that Caila was a backstabbing whore and that Jared was her soulmate. Your heart is wrong, girl. I guess she does a pretty good job at faking normalcy, though, because Wells picks her over vaguely-annoying-but-not-certifiable Jami. “Let’s go get drunk,” he says. UGHHH marry me already.
The show becomes very Couples Therapy now, as if they weren’t JUST trying to sabotage everyone’s relationships with newcomers two minutes ago. Now they must be joined together in matrimony or get the fuck out. All the men and women get together separately to talk about their relationships, but mostly Ashley’s virginity. I forgot that these people were in their late twenties because this reminded me of fifth grade when they separated the girls and boys to show us videos about penis size and periods. Ashley is very excited to have a boy locked in a room with her. Wells looks stressed at the possibility of being in a confined space with this stage-five-clinger. Carly lost her virginity to a boy named Chip.
Wells takes Ashley aside to tell her he’s g2g. I get it, but then why’d we go through this whole angsty rose handout last night? I smell producers! Ashley only cries a little bit, like an appropriate amount for not getting to go on a date with Wells, and exits more gracefully than she came. Part of me hopes she never goes on a reality dating show again and finds a nice chill dude to deflower and date her, part of me thinks that would be a travesty. Idk.
Grant and Lace go get some ugly ass wrist tattoos that say “Grace.” This whole scene of Grant discussing the permanency and importance of this decision is straight up hilarious when you know that Grant also has a tattoo for his last girlfriend, who he reportedly dumped to go on The Bachelorette. I think we can all agree that getting a tattoo for someone you’re dating (especially for twenty days) is stupid. But doing it twice? Yikes, boy! For a second after Grant had his tattoo finished I thought Lace was gonna be like “nah” and dip out. I think I would’ve written her fan mail. But she gets it done and they’re like “the other couples are gonna be so jealous of our matching tattoos.” Totes.
Naturally, for her date, Carly has to strip down to her underwear and roll around in paint while a nude Mexican woman watches and plays the flute. Like what did she do to the date-planning producer to suffer the fresh hell that is her dates? WHY DID YOU PUT EVAN IN TIGHTY WHITEYS ON MY TELEVISION SCREEN? That shit should come with a trigger warning, fuck you guys. Carly has “Evan’s” painted on her boobs, brb I’m gagging. Carly is worried that Evan is going to “Kirk” her. She should be more worried that Evan is going to “Evan” her and love/smother her to death. Evan would probably disown his own children before he would dump you, Carly. But fine whatever, I guess I’m begrudgingly happy for these two.
Josh plays soccer with some local kids to demonstrate his value as a family man, while Amanda walks around the field pretending to participate. This reminded me of Josh’s final date with Andi, where they played softball with some local kids. I feel like ABC just always has a group of ethnically ambiguous children on hand to play pick-up ball games with contestants. Josh wants to coach Amanda’s kids in a Little League team. Doesn’t Josh completely seem like that overly aggressive dad in the bleachers? I hope he doesn’t negatively affect Amanda’s adorable flower-crown-wearing angel babies.
We’ll have to load up on the wine tomorrow night to endure sappy fake engagement after sappy fake engagement. I wonder if Jen and Nick are gonna make it you guys! See ya then.