Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Finale

Another season of Bachelor in Paradise has come and gone. And much like the proverb describing the month of March, this season came in like a ChadBear and out like an EvanGoat.

Four couples remain and it is made clear to them that they better get engaged or break the fuck up – there will be no in-between option. They have each accepted a night in the Fantasy Suite™ together, and since last episode ended with them suggestively hanging “do not disturb” signs on their hotel doors, this episode obviously must open with them waking up in their white robes. You know, because we have to be absolutely certain that they fucked.

I really could have done without seeing Evan in his robe. It made his goatee extra prominent and creepy. And now I’m sad knowing Carly probably had to be the big spoon last night. Ugh. They wake up, share a few visibly unpleasant kisses, and Evan recites a poem he has written for Carly:

I fell in love with a girl named Carly.

She’s got me chilling on the beach like a guy named Marley.

She’s gluten-free, and that includes barley.

And that’s…shit.

Omg guys I can really see how he swept her off her feet! Carly lets us know that she would definitely accept a proposal from Evan and America lets out a collective “gurl…….u sure?” She hasn’t even met his kids yet – what if they suck as bad as him?

Next up on the robe-cam is *~*Grace*~* who are a lil weepy because Grant isn’t sure he wants to get engaged after less than three weeks. He definitely loves Lace and wants to continue dating her regardless, but Lace wants a fucking proposal and nothing less. She WILL be one-half of a combined nicknamed couple, god damn it!

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A valid question indeed.

Jen and Nick are, for all intents and purposes, a very good and functional couple. But Jen is trippin’ as fuck when she says “I do see the proposal at the end of this!” Nick has never even told Jen definitively that he loves her. We’ve gotten some bullshit “I’m starting to think I might be potentially falling for you,” but no concrete ILY. And somehow Jen thinks that the very first one is going to come with a ring. These two probably would have continued dating in any normal circumstance, and could have eventually resulted in an engagement, but not after a week on a boozy TV island. ALSO there’s that tiny little detail that Nick has already been publicly announced as the next Bachelor, so the suspense built up around this potential engagement is basically null.

Amanda and Josh wake up in normal clothes – where the fuck are your robes? I want consistency! Anyway, Amanda discusses the fact that her youngest daughter usually sleeps with her and the older one ends up joining them in the morning, and you can just see the panic on Josh’s face. He *literally* asks Amanda what time her kids usually wake her up, because he did NOT go on three reality shows (don’t forget Famously Single on E!) because he wanted to get up early every morning. Early mornings are for people with real jobs, and this serial killer needs his beauty rest.

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Welcome to step-fatherhood, Josh.

The real star of the show has arrived – Neil Lane! Bachelor in Paradise is the best thing to ever happen to him because he now gets to sell several rings to very desperate men that have been cornered into proposing to women they met the same month, instead of just one. He made a killing off last night’s episode. Also, he got to visit with some old pals! This is the second time he has helped Josh pick out a massive, gaudy ring and the third time he has helped Nick (and it won’t be his last). He also consults with Evan and Grant but that’s not as funny so I’ll gloss over it.

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Maybe find a shirt that doesn’t accentuate your moobs so strongly.

Rapid fire proposal time!

Carly approaches Evan in the ugliest JCPenney lookin-ass dress I’ve ever seen. She tells Evan she would DIE FOR HIM which is just……..I can’t….. Evan gets down on one knee and asks, and I quote, “Will you freakin’ marry me?” and I literally screamed in horror. I guess they might actually be perfect for each other because when he put the ring on her finger she proclaimed “It fits freakin’ perfect!” Just as I was about to come back to life, Evan says “Hashtag blessed” and I died again. I freakin’ died!

Why does Grant always look like a magician when he dresses up? Anyway, Lace is super nervous to meet Grant on the beach, since they left off on a weird note that morning. Jorge definitely slipped Lace a few tequila shots to ease her nerves before the moment of truth, and she hits us with this gem:

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Boot and rally, Lace!

But all is good because Grant proposes, the ring is SICK, and Lace deserves the world. Hopefully this world includes some higher quality fake hair and eyelashes, though.

Jen and Nick are up next, and we all know how this ends. “Something” told Nick to say goodbye, and I have a sneaking suspicion that “something” was a producer offering him the next Bachelor slot. Sucks for Jen, but she is ridiculously hot and will be just fine. Write a tell-all book, Jen! We want to know if NIck said weird shit to you in the Fantasy Suite™. We deserve to know.

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Amanda’s next up to get her man. She tells us “People have warned me that Josh is a dangerous psychopath but I’ve known him for three weeks so I’m ready for him to be the step-father to my small children!” Predictably, they get engaged. I wish Amanda the best, but oy, I worry aboutcha, gurl. A MAN THAT SWEATS THIS PROFUSELY CANNOT BE HEALTHY.

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How is she touching him right now?

So far IRL, the three couples are still kickin’. Here’s hoping we have a triple wedding next season!

It’s been real recapping this show for you all! There’s usually a pretty long hiatus between the end of Paradise and the start of the next Bachelor, so we’ll be sure to write more non-Bachelor related stuff on the site in the meantime. Additionally, we’ve started an Instagram account! Follow us at drunk.and.hungry for dank memez and whatnot.

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