We back! And believe you me, I wish I was recapping that glorious premiere night instead of this week’s poop stain of an episode. Back then all I had to worry about were bad puns and counting the actual number of red dresses (it was 12), while this week I’m frantically closing my blinds so my neighbors don’t think I’m kickin’ it to a soft-core porno. This episode was mostly hard to handle because it showed very little of our faves (Rachel, Vanessa, even Danielle M.’s one-on-one received minimal air-time) and instead relied heavily on producer puppets like Corinne and Liz. Give me shark-girl or give me death.
Um, Corinne. GIRL. Remember last season’s “villain,” Olivia? Compared to Corinne she was a fucking puppy dog. This girl is very confusing she’s like a baby that wants to be grown. On the one hand she loves lip fillers and is constantly ripping off her clothes, on the other she has a nanny cut up her cucumbers. She’s like a sexy Benjamin Button. Oh and in case anyone forgot, she’s ELEVEN years younger than Nick. And it shows.
Corinne begins by telling us that she’s never been a bridesmaid. Shocking, you seem like you would be wonderfully supportive and appropriate in a wedding. Instead, she says, “I think I’m just a natural bride.” What the fuck does that even mean? I bet you one trillion dollars that Corinne regularly describes herself as a girl that “just gets along better with guys than with girls. Girls are too much drama lolz.”
The first group date is of the fake wedding variety. Just shoot me now. Is it just me or is this group of girls screamier than usual? They have all already drunk the Nick Koolaid so fucking hard they would actually probably kill themselves for him. Group date idea?
Nick says there’s something about each one of these women that intrigues him. This one’s titties. That one’s left butt cheek. I kid, though, Nick is clearly a boobs man because he spent half of the premiere episode staring at cleavage and mumbling incoherently about dresses. Nick goes on to acknowledge that he understands the weirdness of group dates and how they can be uncomfortable. So he’s going to go ahead and make this the most uncomfortable group date ever experienced.
This isn’t just a normal wedding photo shoot, it’s a themed wedding photo shoot, which means producers get to dress up some of the girls in horrifyingly ugly garb and give others no clothing at all. Alexis is the shotgun wedding and handles her pregnancy dress like a champion, aka she takes a couple AM whiskey shots. Brittany (who is Brittany?) gets one leaf to wear because she is sexy Eve from the bible. A couple random girls are just bridesmaids to make them hate themselves.
WHO is this photographer. #Saltbae is that you? I kind of feel like a member of the production staff was instructed to dress up like a flamboyant Spanish photographer and he really just ran away with the character.
Jasmine decides to kiss/assault Nick, so naturally every subsequent girl shoves their face onto his. Ya’ll seriously need to chill. Do you really think he’s gonna be like “oooh she made out with me so good during that fake group wedding photo, she’s the one.”
Corinne realizes she isn’t the sluttiest girl at this photoshoot and cannot even handle it so she literally just rips her own top off. She “wins” the photoshoot because that’s the best way to get some bitches to cry.
The rest of the girls nervously talk shit amongst themselves. “She took off her top and put his hands on her boobs. He doesn’t like that, right?!?” I’m sure he hated it, guys.
In the later evening of the group date, Nick seems to have genuine conversations with several girls, like Raven and Taylor. But not on Corinne’s watch. She moves swiftly from from “Can I steal you for a sec?” to “I’M INTERRUPTING YOU.” Girl has clearly never been told no in her life, which is probably why she still has a nanny. AND A KABBALAH BRACELET. They literally talk about nothing and just suck face.
Corinne: Like if I like you, I’m like, oh my god, I like you. You know what I mean?
Nick: I’ve been really impressed by you so far.
Next she gives an unprompted and manic speech about how people should be okay with her interrupting them. Taylor then interrupts her and she ~explodes~ with anger. They have probably the most passive aggressive conversation ever recorded but they’re both really okay, no probs, everything’s great, much love.
Corinne gets the rose because she spoke like three words to Nick and let him grab her boobs. She’s ham-jammed af and yells, “Guys literally all I did was be Corinne XOXO GOSSIP GIRL.” Bitch it is way too early for you to be pulling out the third person. She best be gone in two episodes I can’t handle this ho.
Danielle M. gets a one-on-one complete with helicopter AND yacht because she is a beautiful unicorn princess. She is the anti-Corinne and is a breath of fresh air. The only thing that could sell us on her more would be a tragic back story. Hot damn. This show is just a mind fuck because in one ep you have like a real horrifying story of loss but also a bridal party make-out orgy. Idk what to feel.
Back at the mansion, Liz takes a brief break from telling the camera she had a one-night-stand with Nick to tell Christen she had a one night stand with Nick. Like I get that the producers are making you talk about this, but literally say one other thing about anything else I dare you. As soon as Liz tells Christen, her eyes bulge out of her sockets and we know that this was a mistake.
Liz just seems like kind of a weirdo. She’s hard to read because she smiles an unsettling amount and I too am very unsure what her motives are. She doesn’t really seem like the fame-whore type honestly. I think she saw Nick on BIP post hook-up and decided she lerved him like the rest of us and then she thought it’d be like a really cute and funny surprise if she just showed up on his season. Which was next level dumb of her and a tad stalkery.
Nick definitely did not pick either of the group dates this week and is reasonably and visibly bummed that the producers made him go to a Break-up Museum. Get it Nick? Lol cause you’re such a loser and have been dumped so many times??
Nick has clearly been to a lot of therapy because he throws around a lot of shrink-speak about loving yourself and letting go of the past. He shows them the rose and ring he had ready for Kaitlyn, displayed in a glass box. This is just too much. Am I to believe that Neil Lane is just chill with a perfectly good diamond ring sitting in a fake ass museum display? Real talk though they should definitely make a Bachelor museum. I want to see a literal pile of tissues cried into by Ashley I. I want to dip my hands into the ocean water where Chad and Lace made out. I want to smell Ben Higgin’s sweaty flannels. K sry I’ll stop.
The next part of the date is a weird improvised break-up show. I’m v confused by the random other couples doing this. Like are they actually dating? Did they come here to really break up in front of an audience? That honestly seems less strange than going as a couple to a break-up museum to fake break-up? Anyway they all yell at Nick for silly things like leaving the dishes out or not flossing. Josephine slaps the shit out of him because idk she’s fucking nuts. Girl cut open a book and put a cold hot dog in it for her introduction so what was I expecting? After a whole bunch of goofiness, Liz comes up and reads a ten page note she wrote on her iPhone when she was drunk last night. ICYMI, Liz banged Nick nine months ago. Anyway it’s maybe the most awkward moment I’ve ever experienced and I wasn’t even there.
Why is she asking him to fight for her? Girl, you were a drunken maid of honor at a wedding who fucked a reality star and then REFUSED TO GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER. It’s really not his responsibility to fight for you. Really all this speech does is reaffirm the fucked up idea that when a girl rejects you, you’re supposed to not accept that rejection and keep pursuing her. Please do not speak for “what every girl wants” ya psycho. This girl is hot af and must be pretty cool if she’s Jade’s bestie so just why oh why did you do this?
Nick is ready to go home. Christen is all of us.
At least now he knows that this bitch done flew the cuckoo’s nest and it’s time for her to go. He sends Liz home and then goes to tell the other girls that he previously fucked her. Which honestly should not be a big deal but makes him look shady af for not saying anything. Good luck homie.
In happier news, Happy Alexis’ boob’s birthday. Can she marry me? Also lost in the shuffle is Jaimi telling Nick that she dated a girl. YAS. Finally some LGBTQ action on this show. She’s really cute about the whole situation, saying she won’t go after the girl Nick wants. All I want in this life is for the Bachelor mansion to turn into the lesbian Next bus where all the girls start hooking up and dgaf about the lead. I dream big. Until next week!