There are a few things in this life that I have very little patience for. One is old men I don’t know telling me to smile. Two is women who pee on the toilet seat in public restrooms (I literally don’t understand what you’re doing wrong) and three is Bachelor episodes that don’t end IN A GOD DAMN ROSE CEREMONY. We’ve been here through two full hours, all I want is to see some bitches cry. Is that mean?? I really feel like I’ve earned it.
We open the episode with Nick announcing to the women that he sent Liz home because they fucked once and she was very un-chill about it. He is straight up beaming at this news. Ding dong the doula is dead! The girls have already sufficiently gossiped about all this and nobody seems to really give a fuck, but ABC really wants to squeeze every last ounce of manufactured drama out of casting Nick’s one night stand. So we get a lot of voice-overs recapping how “crazy” the whole thing is. I’m shaken to my core, can we move on?
Nick wants to know how Danielle L. feels about the situation because she’s hot AF and he already knows she’s in his final four. He says, “I’m really intrigued by you,” which is Nick’s catchphrase for “I wanna fuck you.” We already know.
Lots of foreshadowing that Nick is going to sleep with someone pre-fantasy suite. Omg like I wonder which girl would present that opportunity? By next ep Corinne will probably climb into Nick’s bed during the night and sit on his face, the question is, will he take the bait? America is watching you!!!
Corinne, try harder to be the villain. Did you literally pack a flasher trench coat for the sole purpose of wearing it naked? This girl gets her seduction techniques from a bad CW drama. Nick obligingly eats whipped cream off her tits and then finally stops thinking with his dick for long enough to realize that this maybe isn’t the best idea. Corinne cannot believe her naked trench coat plan did not work and starts bawling hysterically. Well, that didn’t take long. It is very sad/confusing to me when women this hot are that insecure.
So Corinne decides to catch some Z’s instead of attending the rose ceremony because girl has her priorities in check (for once) and I’m honestly just impressed she got away with it. You know these other girls are only talking shit because they want to be in bed. Real talk though she already got a rose, why she gotta stand there in heels for five hours of bullshit? I love that THIS is the time when Nick finally calls her out for her behavior. Like having him give her a breast exam in front of the other women was chill but going to bed early could really “blow up in her face down the road.” Huh??
Alexis gets a rose and goes, “Move bitches,” remains my hero. This rose ceremony music! I forgot how suspenseful it is. I want to put it on my Spotify and play it Saturday mornings as I check my purse to see what contents made it home last night. Anyway I couldn’t tell you the name of one person who went home except for Hailey who was mildly irritating and wore a bra to the rose ceremony. Despite being an episode 3 cast off she’s probably hot enough to get thrown onto BIP in week 7.
Chris Harrison comes in with the date card and is clearly salty he’s not a part of this date. Whoever heard only the word “Everybody” and immediately connected the dots to Backstreet Boys deserves the rose on that alone. The Backstreet Boys are going to have an overlapping Vegas residency with Britney Spears, everybody (now) pack your fucking bags.
As much as I love the Backstreet Boys, I felt conflicting emotions seeing them in present day. I just would prefer to picture them in some time loop where they are forever stuck in the 90’s. Like it’s slightly uncomfortable to me that some men in their mid forties are still wearing leather pants and singing fake words like “tragical.” That being said, this would entirely be the point where I would stop trying to marry Nick Viall and start trying to bang Nick Carter. Way better odds right?
Nick, stop trying to act like you’re into the Backstreet Boys or like you even are part of the same generation as these women. You’re straight up the same age as Nick Carter so I highly doubt your twenty-year-old self was jamming out to the Black & Blue album, ok? I’m really not trying to age shame Nick here, just want to constantly remind people that this 36-year-old is supposedly “looking for love” with a 24-year-old who can’t wash a spoon.
The girls all don their hottest Barbie-at-the-gym workout outfits and try to keep up with these middle-aged dads and their stunning 1997 choreography. Corinne can’t dance and doesn’t get any attention so she literally runs to the bathroom and cries while stating, “I’m not a cry baby.” K.
While performance dates usually look horrid this would actually be my dream come true. It reminds me of my fifth grade talent show when my friends and I performed a choreographed dance of Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” on stage and the local paper wrote an article about how inappropriate it was. GTS, IDC, best moment of my life.
Danielle L. wins the competition which means she gets to rub her body on Nick’s while Brian Littrell softly serenades them and tries to conceal his boner. “This is the worst day of my life,” says Corinne. Well when you have a full-time nanny to cut your vegetables up, yes it probably is.
Corinne tells the other girls about Raquel and they are, like the rest of us, confused. She needs Raquel though guys, how else could she make cheese pasta?! (Unclear if cheese pasta is mac and cheese or just pasta with grated Parmesan on top). But the worst part is when she says, “She just does it. It makes her happy. And you know what I’m not gonna stop a woman’s happiness.” OK, if you’re going to have a nanny, own it. Be like “yes I’m a little princess bitch and I have a nanny wipe my ass for me.” But please don’t act like the central joy of this woman’s life is to fucking spoon feed you lemon salad.
Nick tries out a Top Gun look next for his fake space date with Vanessa. She’s so fucking pretty I can’t think about much else during this date. The first part looks like one of those horrible spinning rides that I’m pretty sure they outlawed because they give you brain damage. The anti-gravity part looked pretty dope until the metaphors came. I was PRAYING for Vanessa to slo-mo projectile vomit on Nick and have it float around in their space bubble but she just pukes in a barf bag. Nick is honestly ~thrilled~ to watch her throw up. This might be his fetish. And literally how does her make-up look this in tact after puking? Nick makes out with Vanessa post-yak on national television because that’s how hot Vanessa is.
They go to a dinner at a sky observatory restaurant and Vanessa talks about her grandfather that died. It makes me very uncomfortable when people mention how much their deceased relatives would want them on the show. Pretty sure mine would be rolling in their graves. Nick randomly cries because again, that’s how hot Vanessa is. Get it together boy, it’s your first fucking date! If I got this one-on-one I’d be like who wants to trade for a spot on the Backstreet Boys date.
Next some Olympians are here for the group date which is a “Nickathalon.” UGH. How pissed would you be if the first group date got to sing with the Backstreet Boys and you had to throw a fucking shot put. I’d fake period cramps and ask Allyson Felix for a note to let me sit out.
For the final challenge, the girls have to literally race to a diamond ring, and the winner gets naked Nick in a hot tub. Sometimes I wonder what this show has come to but then I remember last season when they showed women images of babies and diamonds and literally measured their brain response.
Astrid runs slowest but in an actually interesting slo-mo replay gets the ring. She wins making out with Nick in the hot tub in front of the other ladies. What is with these one-on-one time “prizes” directly in front of the other women? The producer hijinks are really starting to lose any subtlety they ever had.
Astrid loses any favor she gained by wearing this to the evening portion of the date:
Nick tells Rachel she is mature, smart, beautiful. The total package. Which appears to be true. What is she doing here?
Dominique, who we have seen nothing else of thus far, gets insecure about her relationship with Nick and how far behind it’s falling. I get that this is a stressful environment but it’s been eight days straight up. This is episode 3 people. The right move here is definitely NOT to use your small amount of one-on-one time with him to get angry he didn’t ask you earlier if you were okay? You can literally see Nick losing interest as Dominique continues to shoot herself in the foot, and it’s a surprise to no one when he responds with a “GTFO.” Nick has proven thus far that he has little patience for drama or confrontation, so it should be interesting to see what he does with Corinne.
Instead of a cocktail party, it’s a pool party! Because when you make everybody half naked near a body of water, it’s always a hot bed for drama.
Corinne: These girls are all trying really hard. It’s definitely a little desperate. A lot desperate.
Says the girl who made him lick condiments off her boob.
But alas, nothing really matters, because the producers got Corinne a bouncy castle and Nick thinks Corinne is “fun and playful.” Or those are just the names he’s given to her bouncing breasts. Honestly nobody wants to watch you guys dry hump in a moon bounce so just bone her already so we can all move on.
The girls all decide to confront Nick about Corinne because they’re petty and have never seen this show??? Vanessa calls out his intentions with the tone of someone who has already dealt with one too many fuck boys in her life. And while on the one hand I get it, Corinne is awful and he’s being a horn dog, on the other hand, I’m not so sure what the big difference is between her straddling him in an anti-gravity machine and Corinne “riding” him in a bouncy castle. But these are the hard-hitting questions that I devote my time to analyzing each week.
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