The Bachelor Recap: Episode 4

My apologies for the late recap. I was busy doing more important things like running a multi-million dollar company. Oh just kidding, that’s not something I do, and neither does Corinne. As much as I don’t want to discuss Corinne, ABC appears committed to relentlessly shoving her down our throats until we’re subdued into a zombie-like state, much like Raquel the Nanny probably.

We open with all of the girls still buggin over the fact that producers got Corinne to “get” Nick a bouncy castle. Whatever. We spend literally TWELVE minutes of the episode’s opening covering a compilation of sound clips about how Corinne simply cannot get a rose. Knowing that she will obviously get a rose shortly. I’m bored.

Vanessa: Are you looking for a wife, or someone to f*ck?

Nick: Like, idk.

*make out sesh *

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The Confronting-Your-Man Head Tilt

“I’m not privileged in any way shape or form,” says the She-Chad. LOL, K. I want to revive that show Exiled from MTV where they took the horrible teenagers from My Super Sweet Sixteen and sent them into the wilderness alone to cry a lot/maybe die. I nominate Corinne!

BUT it’s unclear why Sarah and Taylor are waking her up to tell her this rn, or how this has anything to do with Bouncy-Castle-Gate. We all know why you’re mad and it’s not because of her privilege. Also, just stop talking about her, do you dummies not realize that’s exactly what she wants? Ya Taylor I took Psych 101 and I’m fucking better at this than you.

Rose ceremony time. Danielle M. calls Corinne “young and unaware” which is how you insult people in a classy yet savage way. Alexis lives to see another day, thank the bachelor gods. RIP Christen’s facial expressions, gone too soon.

Chris Harrison comes in to tell the girls they’re going “around the globe”….TO A TOWN OUTSIDE MILWAUKEE! Cue the women all acting like Wisconsin is the most exciting and exotic destination they’ve ever imagined.

Nick meets with his parents to discuss this “spontaneous” decision to bring the girls to his hometown. Nick’s mother confuses me. She has like twenty children but also a nose stud, and her hair cut is part Justin Bieber part Kate Gosselin. She is an enigma. I must study her. Anyway I can see her physically aging through my television screen as her son describes his high hopes for his fourth stint on reality television. Why are his parents still supporting this? Maybe they were just like, eh, so we lose one of them to reality tv infamy, that’s not such bad odds??

Nick takes Danielle L. around town. Her propensity for fake nervous laughter makes me think she’s a texter who inserts “haha” into every other line. They go to a bakery where a displeased employee has to pretend like she personally knows ole small town Nick here. Would love if Nick introduced Danielle as “Danielle L.” to this cookie lady.

The Bachelor producers insult my intelligence once again by staging a casual run-in with Nick’s ex. Danielle, like us, is not fucking feeling it. Nick is like, “Oh hey! We have happened upon my ex who happens to think only wonderful things about me as a person! Let’s ask her some impromptu questions about what it’s like to date me?” Bye.

I don’t see a ton of personality from Danielle thus far, and I think that’s what Nick was getting at when he asked if she grocery shopped in sweatpants. I guess for him that’s a sign of a fun and kooky girl. Danielle is definitely that girl who describes herself as “so gross” while wearing a full face of make up and form-fitting yoga pants.

They finish dinner and Danielle is like “Omg wut could b next?” Like home girl doesn’t know she’s headed to a C-list Country concert. That’s twice now she’s had to grind on Nick in front of an audience, what a trooper.

Group date! I feel like Corinne just grabs on to random girl’s arms when they’re meeting Nick so she looks like she has friends. Heading into this date, let’s all recall the time Nick Viall went on a mime date on Andi’s season (admittedly sucky) and had sour grapes the whole time. Now listen to him talk about what a fun and great opportunity these girls have to shovel up cow shit. Keep drinking that ABC koolaid, Nick.

Sarah/all of you, stop looking so god damn excited. This date was absolutely awful, even before the feces got involved. These two farmers show up, and I’m sorry, but if the Bachelor has taught me one thing it’s that farmers look like Chris Soules, so these two were an unpleasant surprise. Nick tries to milk a cow, and one of them says, “I think some of the women are gonna have to show him how it’s done.” Yes, creepy farmer, because all women are born with the innate knowledge of how to milk things?

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TAKE ME BACK TO IOWA

Jaimi, however, has handled a teet or two, and steps in to show us all how to properly knead a boob. TBD whether her motions are for milking or for stimulation, or are they one in the same? Idk I know nothing about breasts apparently. Where did I leave my American Girl Body Book for Girls??

These bitches are like “Omg what’s next, do I get to pick up the shit with my bare hands?!” Was this date the result of some behind-the-scenes producer bet on how far these girls will go? Is this Stockholm Syndrome, Taylor? Corinne, it’s hard, because on the one hand I fucking hate you, but on the other, you’re so right. If I were brought on a date to shovel up cow manure, I too, would fake an injury. Although I’d come up with a much better one than “losing circulation in my fingers.”

The rest of the girls are like “How dare Corinne not want to pick up shit on this date, she is not ready for marriage.” Idk which is more annoying at this point, Corinne, or the rest of the women talking shit about Corinne. That being said, Corinne, you MUST stop calling it fucking “poopy.” Is she even potty trained at this point? Does Raquel give her a sticker when she goes number two?

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This date is bullshit. Literally.

In the non-farm portion of the date (tell me they got to shower?) Corinne tries even harder to be Chad with some corn husk metaphors and some references to Abraham Lincoln and MJ, two people who I highly doubt had a lot of spare time to nap. Vanessa writes a book about how amazing she is full of v photogenic pics of herself and tells Nick her students wrote it. Yawn. (This show has turned me into a monster).

Kristina gets the rose and is surprised, as are most of us who assumed she left in the last rose ceremony. Corinne is pissed because Kristina “literally attacked” her. Huh my DVR must have cut out bc I missed that part.

Raven gets a one-on-one but it’s really a group date with a bunch of twelve-year-olds she has to impress. Nick’s little sister Bella is apparently the only one of his siblings that’s relevant/tv worthy. That or the rest of the brood is too ashamed to show their faces. Oh wow look at that, an impromptu invite to Skate Land from Bella. The skate date looks cute and I really appreciate that ABC spent their money to play “Kiss Me” by Six Pence None the Richer.

I really like Raven. I like her even more after learning she drove two hours to catch her boyfriend in the act. And then beat him up. Very impressive timing, a true Carrie Underwood.

Raven: I actually know what her vagina looks like

Nick: Oh wow, ok. Tell me more.

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K enough with the rollerskating this is a god damn art museum

I thought for a second we were actually going to get a rose ceremony but then I saw that there was only ten minutes left and I ~knew~ we’d have to spend that time building to a not that crazy cat fight.

Danielle commits the cardinal sin and steals Nick first despite having a rose, incurring the wrath of Taylor, this season’s right-reasons police with the added annoyance that she thinks she’s Freud.

Taylor goes to interrupt and stands there uncomfortably for two minutes while Danielle doesn’t notice. I guess I vaguely respect her commitment. She finally sits down with Nick and he starts making out with her, probs to get her to stfu for once.

Josephine has decided to try and make a name for herself by attaching herself and her dignity to the Corinne bandwagon. She tells Corinne, “You have hardly said anything behind someone else’s back,” as Corinne continues on to a five minute monologue on why Taylor is gross.

Corinne goes to “confront” Taylor about something, I can’t be bothered to remember at this point. Taylor comes in hard with the condescension, and tries to act like saying Corinne lacks emotional intelligence isn’t insulting. Does this bitch honestly counsel people? Bc that’s concerning me. Corinne can’t understand Taylor’s big words so her frustration culminates in one “I literally can’t even” to poetically close the episode.

Can’t wait for next week when Taylor doesn’t get punched in the face! TBH though I’m so excited they’re heading to Nola, and it appears we’re going to get a two-on-one Corinne/Taylor smack down on a fucking swamp tour. I hope they both get eaten by gators.

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