The Bachelor Recap: Episode 5

HEY YA’LL. THIS WEEK LES UH HEAD ON DOWN TA N’AWLINS, WHERE THEY GOT DAT SPOOKAY VOODOO MUMBO JUMBO AND THE GATORS SNAPPIN’ IN DA BAYOU AND THE MYSTICAL SPIRITS OF LIL ANTEBELLUM GHOST CHILDS. I DO DECLARE!

Sorry. I actually didn’t hate the dates this week as much as I expected to, with the exception of the last one. To foreshadow that, we pick up the episode at the cocktail party with the Corinne/Taylor drama I forgot about and don’t care about. Corinne makes a sharp swerve to playing the victim, and says Taylor is hurting her feelings. It’s hard for me to imagine Corinne caring enough about what someone else said to actually be offended. Does she even have feelings?

Announcement to everybody on this show ever: Just because you dislike someone doesn’t mean they’re “here for the wrong reasons” k? Those two things are not synonymous. I’m going to brush past the part where Corinne tattles to Nick that Taylor is “entitled” because, in the words of Corinne, I literally can’t even.

Time for the Rose Ceremony because the world is upside down and will apparently never be right again. If shark girl goes home I will slit my fucking wrists. Some girl Whitney is called first? Ok. Sarah, best known for beautiful outfits and out-of-place enthusiasm, goes home. Ass-turd, best known for that fugly romper, also goes home. I actually liked her it’s just my last opportunity to use the ass-turd joke. Like if Raven goes home and I haven’t referenced That’s So Raven in a subtle yet meaningful way, I will hang up my hat and never write again.

Nick announces they’ll be heading to New Orleans and the women seem reasonably excited to be leaving Wisconsin, especially since they’re apparently forced to stand outside in the breath-freezing weather without jackets. Nick tells us, “From Bourbon Street to the Bayou, I can’t imagine a better place to fall in love.” SMDH. Whoever wrote that scripted ass line has cuh-learly never been to Bourbon Street. Or has a very kinky sense of romance involving strippers/the smell of piss.

I like how the dynamic is suddenly “Taylor vs. Corinne” and “Taylor hates Corinne.” I’m sorry, didn’t you all hate Corinne two seconds ago?? Chris Harrison slinks in with the obvious two-on-one. I like that he seems almost ashamed to tell them this; it’s the one element of this show he can’t even pretend is for the purpose of “true love.”

Rachel gets a date card that says, “Where have you beignet all my life.” Ok I had to say this out loud like twenty times to see if it works and it just fucking doesn’t. Also a little resentful I had to look up how to spell beignet for this shit. That’s right, I couldn’t even get close enough in spelling for it to suggest it as a word.

Rachel and Nick shop around the French Market, classic “walk around and try on funny hats” date, though in this case it’s masks. Nick is clearly v into Rachel. They’ve spent like five minutes together and he says they have the “most explosive chemistry” of anyone. Which has got to sting for Corinne, who’s now stripped for him on multiple occasions.

screen-shot-2017-01-31-at-5-00-26-pm

CHEW WITH UR FUCKING MOUTH CLOSED, YA ANIMAL

Rachel is very practical, saying, “I’m not a butterfly girl.” And if we as Bachelor fans love one thing, it’s watching a skeptic become invested. (Like Nick, on Andi’s season). I see big things in Rachel’s future. Like Bachelorette things. She’s very polished, smart, and likable, and as Nick continues to say, “THE TOTAL PACKAGE.” Though I like them together, I don’t see them ending up together, so perhaps ABC has finally listened to the backlash and we’ll get our first non-white Bachelorette? Idk just a thought.

My only question about this date- why aren’t they shitfaced? Like I’ve seen you guys in multiple shots without drinks in your hands, I genuinely don’t understand. On another note, I would sell my soul to encounter a Bachelor Second Line in the French Quarter. It’s a dream I didn’t know I had until now.

The pair head to Mardi Gras World for dinner. Rachel recounts the last time she was in New Orleans, and participated in a Second Line, but for a funeral. This felt so actually related and natural as opposed to those “Insert a tragedy here” dinner moments. Nick tells Rachel he’s super into her and Rachel literally quotes a Taylor Swift song. So these two are fucking IN IT.

For the group date, the women head to a “haunted” plantation call Houmas House. Why am I not surprised that all of these women believe in ghosts? I’m not saying that in a judgmental way, it just makes sense to me that a group of women who would go on this television show looking for true love would also hold strong beliefs in the supernatural. Danielle L. looks like she’s about to poop her pants in fright. But we all know the Danielle L.s of the world don’t actually poop so nevermind.

The tour is given by a Boo Radley type who happens to also be named Boo and who seems to be about seven drinks deep. Honestly though this guy and his weirdness are the epitome of ghost tour guides in New Orleans. He just needs a couple finishing quirks like one small hoop earring or wearing sunglasses at night.

screen-shot-2017-01-31-at-5-14-07-pm

Romance

Jaimi freaks out that Jasmine dares to touch Mae’s hat because people shouldn’t fuck around with that shit and it’s disrespectful. Ten minutes later in front of Nick she’s like “I’m so crazy, let’s have a séance lol.”

They bust out a Ouiji board and this date rapidly becomes a recreation of every slumber party ever had in seventh grade. Vanessa doesn’t want to summon dead spirits what a fucking party pooper. If someone in this group was a witch/has contact with the other side, wouldn’t it just definitely be Josephine? That bitch is weird.

Oh wow the chandelier fell too? That’s just crazy. I’m talking shit but tbh I used to have séances with my friend in college in my backyard and we would interpret like a fucking cricket to be a spirit from the underworld, so like, I get it.

The Ouiji board said “D” so clearly one of the Danielles will get the rose because that’s how magic works.

Nick tells Danielle L. that “absent makes the heart grow stronger.” Um, no.

Raven tells Nick, “The moment I fell in love with you was when you sang the Little Mermaid.” I don’t think I’ve ever related to something more. Also, while I’d ordinarily be skeptical and rude about a contestant using the L-word this early, this seemed like something that genuinely slipped from Raven, not a planned and calculated “move” for their relationship.

Danielle M. gets the rose, which was shocking as they did not allude to this happening once.

Now it’s time for the two-on-one show. I say show because this is The Bachelor at its most manipulated and scripted. We begin with the silent, cold-as-ice limo ride between the two enemy contestants. Idc what they do they’ll NEVER top Ashley I. and creepy Kelsey getting left in the desert.

OMFG Taylor shut up about your degree. Genuinely nobody watching cares that you got your Masters. Sorry what show did you think you were on, Jeopardy? One where intelligence matters??

Corinne, enough with the Trump quotes. It’s time to make America Corinne again? Not only does that make absolutely no sense, it’s also painfully clear how hard you’re trying to insert catchphrases/quotable moments/chad-isms, if you will, into your camera time. Relax. We will give you your 15 minutes and your 200K instagram followers if you just chill the fuck out PLEASE.

Ahh, yes. A spiritual Voodoo ceremony in the middle of the bayou. I feel like someone watched The Princess and the Frog one too many times before planning this date.

This Voodoo lady: “The biggest misconception about Voodoo is that it’s used for harm.”

Two minutes later: sinister music while Corinne stabs a Taylor Voodoo Doll with pins

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IT’S VOODOO MAMA JUJU

The three meet with a psychic who tells them that she senses the situation is “tense.” For real?? Where do I get this lady’s fucking job?

Taylor is sure that Nick will pick her. SHE is the water sign. He will not fall for Corinne’s whipped cream and lies. (Side note: Wouldn’t that be a great title for Corinne’s future ghost written tell-all? “Whipped Cream and Lies: My Side of the Story”)

Corinne tells Nick that Taylor called her stupid. Wrong, but, also a little bit right. Taylor’s defense that she isn’t rude/condescending is to say that Corinne didn’t even know what emotional intelligence meant. Good one, Tay.

Corinne plays the victim yet again, telling Taylor, “You said you wouldn’t be friends with me…” Where in that confrontation was the part where Corinne was extending a hand of friendship? I will give her this, girl can twist the fuck out of a conversation.

Nick gives Corinne the rose, oh wow! What is surprising (and harsh) is Taylor doesn’t even get a private good bye or reason, just has to sit there while they peace the fuck out. And boy does she look PISSED. I can’t even handle the cockiness that’s about to come from Corinne for winning this rose.

As is tradition, Taylor is abandoned in the swamp to become a sacrifice to the Yaya Sisterhood of Voodoo. My favorite bachelor dates are bachelor dates where they manage to reduce an entire culture/religion to stereotype in less than five minutes.

Corinne and Nick get to go to dinner and Corinne wears a sexy outfit but you know what her hair is gross I’m just gonna say it!

Taylor please tell me you’re not falling for some producer “return and ambush” shenanigans. Do you know who else fell for this Taylor?? FUCKING CHAD. GAH!

P.S. Hey, why is Alexis always in the credit blooper? BC ALEXIS IS THE FUCKING BEST. WHY ARE WE EVEN CONTINUING WITH THE SEASON MARRY HER.

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE AGGRESSIVE USE OF CAPS IN THIS RECAP, IT’S JUST A CAPS LOCK KIND OF FUCKING DAY. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

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