So this episode was kind of a bummer, huh? I mean probably not more of a bummer than the fact that I’m still drinking wine and writing this recap at 6am whilst my parents head off to their respective fitness classes, but eh what can you do? These are the sacrifices I make for the noble art of Bachelor recapping.
Corinne and Nick have gone off to dinner and Taylor is still off somewhere in the bayou getting chanted at/ravaged by mosquitos. The rest of the women are sitting around the couch waiting to see who was sent home. “I really hope they don’t lash out at each other and forget they’re there for Nick,” says Danielle M. Um isn’t that exactly what you should all be hoping for? Mad props to whatever PA came in and dragged that suitcase away with the most dramatic flair I’ve ever seen. She needs a promotion and an Oscar nomination stat.
Taylor shows up to dinner to tell Nick “some things” about Corinne, because apparently she lost all of her pride in whatever human sacrifice was just performed on her. Really she doesn’t say anything about Corinne that hasn’t already been said, and Nick gives her the same face one might give to a Kindergartener crying about a v minor boo-boo. Perhaps the reason he sent you home has less to do with Corinne and more to do with the fact that he’s just not that into you. Also ya’ll need to stop giving dating advice to this 36-year-old man you kind of know.
The best line Corinne can come up with about this exchange is that “Cats have nine lives and bitches have two.” Seriously? Who keeps saying this bitch should be a comedian? Corinne cackles maniacally into the full moon, which apparently signals it’s time for her transformation into full werewolf/swamp thing. Can she be gone?
It’s the happens-every-season-yet-still-very-shocking-Cocktail-Partyless-Rose-Ceremony. UGH this dumbass gives the rose to Whitney over Alexis, because apparently it’s an unspoken rule of the Bachelor that you must keep one hot anonymous brunette that never talks or receives any airtime through episode six. I also fucking hate that funny girls with actual personalities like Alexis get sent home because they don’t talk about how many babies they want to pop out every second. Like you guys do know that most people in relationships don’t just excessively talk about “deep” shit? Like they laugh and joke and have casual conversations? Sorry for the rant I’m just going through a really hard time with the loss of Alexis right now.
It seems like there’s a lot of women still left to be heading to the “romantic island getaway” location but whatever. These previews really had me this week like “IS RACHEL GONNA LEAVE? DOES SOMEONE DUMP NICK” but nah everyone in the cast just has an emotional meltdown for no apparent reason.
“NIIIIIIICKKKK” –all the women on a balcony. I naively thought that we’d avoided this this season.
Nick says he loves “the island livin’.” No, you like being on an extended vacation with your ten girlfriends, which probably isn’t what “island livin” is for most people who actually reside there. Nick takes Kristina on a date, who has been a big question mark thus far, but has two points in my book for hating Corinne and having an accent.
Back at their hotel, Vanessa tries to enlighten the group with a little history about the island. The women are like, “Oh wow. Cool.” Which to be fair is about my response when my mom reads me her guide-book out loud on vacation. Lorna comes in to tell them she’ll take care of any of their needs, within reason of what you could expect for staff at a hotel. Corinne’s face lights the fuck up when she sees a foreign lady to wait on her. She’s all “Fluff the towels, Cinderellie” and “Steam my dress, Cinderellie,” before telling us that “Raquel’s gonna be jealous.” I’M SURE; IT MUST REALLY PAIN HER TO NOT BE THERE BRINGING YOU POOLSIDE PINA COLADAS.
In an exquisite transition, we move from Corinne’s demands of this woman she just met, to Kristina telling Nick she had to EAT LIPSTICK as a child she was so starving. Shit, I gotta say, as far as tragic backgrounds in Bachelor contestants go (and we’ve seen some doozies) this was genuinely really sad and moving. I mean I cried but that doesn’t even mean much. We’ve had contestants like Jubilee, whose literal entire family died, but something about hearing Kristina describe her mother kicking her out of the house at age seven because she ate something that day was just so much more specifically horrifying than anything we’ve seen on this show! Mad respect for Kristina, because after I’d left a Russian orphanage to avoid a life of prostitution, I think I’d have a hard time being forced to speak at length on camera about the drama of Corinne’s naps.
Did anyone else find Nick’s response kind of condescending? He’s like, “I, aging reality tv star, deem you to be tough and strong in the face of adversity. Good job, A+ orphan story.” Idk, maybe I’m being picky because honestly idk how I would respond if I were him other than to weep profusely into my dinner.
It’s a decidedly different tone for the group date, where a group of women wearing only bikinis and all dating the same man play beach games for his love, all within five feet of an open bar. What could go wrong?!
I did feel like I missed something here. They were all doing alright and pretending to enjoy having a camera film them while they played volleyball in bathing suits, and then it took a turn for the weird and they all started crying and huddling alone in different areas of the beach. Who roofied this punch? It brings back memories to the pig wrestling date in the Bahamas on Ben’s season, where similar vibes were had. Or to me, anytime I see a guy I like talking to a girl prettier than me. SRY IM PETTY! I guess we just chalk this up to the Episode Six Blues/blame it on Corinne bc why not.
Jasmine has an epic fucking unraveling, God bless her for shoving Corinne into the ground on her way out though. Her speech patterns become more and more manic and I can’t tell if she’s high or just fucking nuts. She starts out by confronting Nick about her relatively normal insecurities and finishes by offering to choke him numerous times. Nick is very NOT into the “chokey” (don’t we all know from Andi’s memoir he’s into some vanilla ass shit?) and he sends her home un-aroused with his larynx in tact.
Next Nick decides to take the two hot girls with no evident personalities on a two-on-one. He strokes Whitney’s leg and tells her she’s really beautiful, and if they could only have a conversation longer than four sentences, she could stay. Alas, they can’t.
HEY HERE’S AN IDEA, maybe if you stopped fucking talking about the “progress” of your relationship and got to know each other, your relationship might actually “progress!”
Whitney’s pissed and throws some shade at Danielle L.’s readiness for marriage (ugh) but she really needs to chill. At least you’re getting abandoned on a beach cabana with a fucking cocktail and not in a literal swamp surrounded by a fake Voodoo cult. (I will never be over this).
Nick and Danielle go to dinner where they have this conversation:
Danielle: This is exciting
Nick: I’m excited
Danielle: It’s crazy
Danielle says all the right buzzwords, and despite Nick reallllllly wanting her to make it to fantasy suites, he’s just not feeling it. Tbh, is she? I know Danielle L. dropped the L-bomb (sry) but she honestly didn’t seem like she was that into him or had reason to be. But she departs with the wise words that, “you can’t make someone love you.” Don’t worry girl, I’m sure the boys on BIP next season will love the shit out of an ultra hot nice girl like yourself (next season’s Jade/Amanda type?)
The women are all lounging in their jammies when GASP! Nick shows up. He cries a lot about how he’s worried this isn’t going to work out for him because he sent home the girl he most wanted to bang. Then he just runs away to his room to jerk off/cry to Simple Plan probably. Like I’m sorry…these beautiful tens have literally set aside their entire lives for the chance to date you and we’re supposed to feel sorry for you? Because you don’t know if you like them enough? You better get your shit together Nicholas before the women who are too good for this realize exactly that.
See you next week!