SORRY WE MISSED LAST WEEK!
Frreal sorry guys. We used to trade off between the two of us every week for recaps, but I’ve been out of commission due to law school, so my D&H partner has been picking up the slack and doing recaps every single week. It’s actually a shit load of work (feel bad for us!) and she’s only human, so she had to skip last week’s episode. But we’re back and I’m personally able to do my first recap of the whole season! Let’s get into it.
Y’all. Corinne is going to hometowns. I know they just announced Rachel as the first black Bachelorette, but we should also have a moment to acknowledge another Bachelor franchise first: the first time a lead has ever met a contestant’s NANNY. This is going to be great.
Even though he’s not sending anyone home, Nick still has the obligatory ceremony just to make sure they all still *want* their roses, as if any of these desperate women would say no. It’s revealed that the four remaining women are headin’ to hometowns and Nick is like, “I’m very nervous to meet all of your families but especially you Rachel because I am just so painfully white.”
First up, Hoxie, Arkansas! I looked it up and unfortunately it’s nowhere near Hope so I can’t even make a Clinton joke. But my girl Raven is extremely perfect on her four wheeler and it’s nice to see her in her element. She takes Nick up to the grain elevators, as one does in Hoxie, but they’re immediately stopped by the dang fuzz. JK it’s just Ray-Ray’s brother! I was honestly worried for a second that Nick was going to get the chair.
Raven ends up straddling Nick in a straight-up mud puddle, which was actually kind of cute and romcom-esque until I saw them get fully submerged and was like OMG RAVEN THAT IS HOW WOMEN GET YEAST INFECTIONS! GIT YOUR SWEET ASS OUT THAT MUD!
After a little more playful wrastlin’ and hopefully a shower, they head to Raven’s house to meet her family and are greeted by the genuinely wonderful news that her dad is officially cancer-free! Raven’s family is very nice to Nick and seem very comfortable with their daughter being on a dating show. Naturally, I am suspicious as hell. Whenever families are like this, I am so weirded out and need to know more about them, so I did a little digging but they came up hella clean. I only managed to find this gem:
Anyway, it seemed to all go very well for Nick in Hoxie, and Raven remains a clear front-runner. She seems really mature, runs a successful small business, and is adorable as hell. *Insert That’s So Raven joke here* Now, onto Dallas!
Rachel jumps right in by taking Nick to her church. Going to anyone else’s house of worship is always weird, but the congregation was very welcoming and Nick didn’t make a total fool of himself. Honestly, he does a pretty good job of handling the entire interracial dating issue head-on. This is sadly the first time we’ve seen an interracial hometown date on the Bachelor, and I’m glad it was Nick. He didn’t try to act like it was no big deal, but instead recognized it as an obvious dynamic and directly addressed it. I gave him serious snaps when he said “I’m not colorblind,” and thought it was genuinely hilarious when Rachel’s family quizzed him about their food and he quipped “I’m not from Mars!” Guys, is Nick a #wokebae?
The family is no stranger to this dynamic because Rachel’s sister is also married to a white guy. But everyone seems to have a nice, open discussion about everything and I think they ended up liking Nick! Too bad we already know she doesn’t make it to the final rose. Thanks, ABC producers.
OKAY NOW IT’S TIME TO PARTY IN THE CITY WHERE THE HEAT IS ON.
Nick’s description of Corinne is hilarious. It’s so obvious he’s just keeping her around for funsies and that he sees no actual future with her. He says “my relationship with Corinne got its start from our physical connection,” which means he thinks she’s hot and always DTF. He goes on to describe her personality, “Corinne doesn’t care about the rules because she’s extremely privileged and faces no consequences for breaking them, so she makes her own rules!” Now, while Raven chose to take Nick around her town and showed him some of her hobbies, Rachel took Nick to her church, and Vanessa took Nick to meet her students, these ideas did not appeal to our sweet Corinne. She instead chooses to take Nick to the fucking mall and make him extremely uncomfortable in a sweatsuit that costs as much as a semester’s tuition. Essentially she wants us to know that she has a fuckload of money and makes store clerks her bitch.
Once again, Nick is a pretty good sport and goes along with the teen movie montage scene of trying on a bunch of impractical clothing items and scrunching his nose to indicate he doesn’t actually want them. But like, sales clerks are literally bringing her champagne in the dressing room. God knows how this girl stays so thin when she’s near-constantly drinking.
After getting a little tipsy and throwing down a couple grand, Corinne tells Nick that she loves him. I can’t even entertain this because it’s just such a blatant lie. Girl, no you do not.
From the mall, we head to Corinne’s family home. Nick meets her mom, dad, sister, and of course, Raquel. Right away, there’s a lot of talk about how Corinne was personally victimized by the other women in the house for having a nanny. Then there’s the dreaded “she’s part of our family” trope that makes me cringe every time. Olympios fam – you’re hiring her to clean your house and take care of your nightmare daughter’s insatiable cucumber needs. Just treat her well and pay her handsomely, guys. She has her own family.
Anyway, Corinne’s family seems out of touch but they were really nice to Nick and her dad makes homemade greek olives and I’M HERE FOR THAT.
Onto Vanessa’s hometown of Montreal! It’s hard to make fun of her. She’s a fucking beloved adult special needs teacher and just seems like a straight-up good person. Damn those unmockable Canadians! She also was NOT kidding about being italian, damn. Nick walks in the door and is greeted by Nona and Luca and like seven Uncle Louies.
Her family is definitely the most skeptical of the four, which is reasonable considering she has a serious career in another country and is very close to her family. They grill Nick pretty hard about the logistics of their relationship and are concerned that they seemingly haven’t discussed relocating or the polygamous elephant in the room.
Vanessa’s dad refuses to give Nick his blessing for a possible engagement that may or may not happen….Valid. They hammer him pretty hard and he leaves on a pretty sour note, but that more than likely means Vanessa is safe. #ProducerMindGames
Apparently it’s just normal that we don’t get rose ceremonies at the end of episodes now. This is annoying. BUT ANDI MAKES AN APPEARANCE NEXT WEEK! This is a dumb gimmick probably being done for the sole purpose of promoting Andi’s abysmal book (now available in paperback at a Wal-Mart near you) but whatever, I miss her. This should be funny. See you next week for Fantasy Suites™!
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