The Bachelor Recap: Barely-an-Episode 9

Um excuse me? A one hour episode? What was with this weirdly long Raven date? I don’t even get to see the aftermath of Nick not giving her an orgasm? And a 3 hour episode next week? Damn it ABC you have no regard for my schedule!

~Surprise visitor~ Andi shows up. We get a dramatic voice-over of Chris H. saying, “What could she possibly want?!?!” Probably wants to pick up whatever fat check y’all offered her to come have a pointless conversation for 5 min and leave. She looks like she’s trying not to laugh the whole time.

Nick is obviously SHOCKED to see Andi. Ok calm down. Of your two exes on this show, one was clearly going to show up, and who’s the bigger sellout of the two? Andi says this is “a whiskey conversation,” even though she apparently doesn’t have a conversation topic in mind.

Nick: Andi! What are you doing here?

Andi: Line.

 

Why does everybody keep drinking whiskey out of wine glasses? Did Nick fake pour whiskey for himself and then sneak some Chardonnay like a lil bitch?

Andi asks Nick if he’s going to have sex with the women in the fantasy suite, because apparently ABC is acknowledging that’s a thing now rather than dancing around the idea with euphemisms and rose petals. She advises Nick to have sex with the women if he feels like it and that’s her feminist rant. What about that was feminist? You’re speaking to a Bachelor, Andi, not a Bachelorette, which basically means he’s free to drown these women in their bubble baths and he’ll still get less twitter trolls than Kaitlyn did.

Nick says his final four are super great, totes cool, but you never know, he could dump them all! Maybe Andi wants to give it another go? Jk these two together are about as sexually arousing as dryer lint. It’s hard to believe they once “made love,” in Nick’s words, as we’re reminded of again. They pretend to bury the hatchet but don’t really, because Nick’s still not really sorry and Andi’s still pissed.

She exits with Nick feeling “the most confident” he’s ever been about this process. Sooo seeing the girl who dumped you on this show and then broke up with the guy she picked on this show makes you most confident about its legitimacy? K.

Meanwhile, oh yeah, the rest of the women are standing around freezing their asses while Nick films this fake chat in his toasty warm penthouse. Cool. Who’s bright idea was it to do an outdoor rose ceremony on a New York night in November? Do they do this just to be mean? Some kind of psychological torture?

Corinne goes home but we all knew that was coming. Remember the part where they still have never gone on a one-on-one date? Corinne bursts into tears and Nick walks her out. He gives her zero explanation perhaps because it was so obvious to everyone that these two were not going to end up together. He honestly seemed like he was saying goodbye to his younger sister or daughter, I totes forgot they got wet n wild in a moon bounce once. He tells Corinne that she has absolutely nothing to regret. Well, let’s not be hasty there Nick, you haven’t watched the season.

I was super proud of Corinne during her exit limo though. She says, “I am done trying to impress these men. I’m going to be me. And whatever happens happens but I will never kiss up to a man ever again in my life.” All season her antics for winning Nick’s affection have been so misguided and immature. She acts like she’s been reading some version of The Game but for women. Where instead of treating the dude like shit you just constantly take your top off. Stop doing that shit and then maybe you’ll have a real relationship. Also girl, let’s be honest for a sec. Do you want to have a boyfriend or do you want to ride that reality tv fame through another full 2 years?

She falls asleep in her fur coat in the back of the limo, cocktail in hand. And I couldn’t have envisioned a more picturesque way to bid adieu to Corinne.

Nick announces they’re heading to Finland, THE most magical place to get engaged. Take note, travel blogs. We see the women walk around and swing on random swing sets in their winter gear as Nick summarizes his relationships with each of them using a very limited vocabulary. Raven is going to have a date and apparently it’s just never going to end.

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Vanessa for Nordstrom’s 2017 Winter Catalogue

We see about two seconds in a helicopter and then they just go to a bar. Oh sorry, not a bar, a “local Finnish pub” because we’re still doing cultural things okay? They play this crazy foreign game called DARTS (am I spelling that right?) and then discuss the advantages of ironing vs. steaming. I just spray all of my clothes with Downy Wrinkle-Free Spray, and they deserve this free endorsement because it is that amazing of a product for the modern lazy girl.

Nick thinks Raven is the perfect combination of salty and sweet. Unclear if he’s aware that she is a human woman and not a Snickers bar. Raven and Nick talk about their parents some more. Raven is “a daddy’s girl.” Ugh. Is this something that people actually say IRL, or just on this show? Nick likes his mom but he’s not into dating her. He likes a girl with an edge. I hate to burst your bubble Nick but “edge” seems to be like the exact vibe your mom is going for:

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She bad

Now it’s time for them to move from sitting at a table at this bar to sitting at a table in a cabin. Oh, and Nick decided to change into a fugly ass turtleneck. Raven talks about her last relationship, which was two years long. She never said “I love you” and her boyfriend only said it when he was drunk. Which is always a good sign. Nick basically baits her into saying it to him even though she’s still got a 66.67% chance of getting dumped by him. Raven starts delivering a beautiful speech that she definitely practiced in the mirror 20 times about how easy their relationship has been and will be. It’s the future she can see. But wait, Raven, do not tell him you love him while he’s wearing that turtleneck. Don’t do it!!! Don’t! She does it. Damn it, Raven!

Raven also has only had sex with one man, her ex, and states that she’s never before had an orgasm. Ah, there’s that fine Arkansas sex education at work. Honestly I have always respected Raven’s bluntness and was thrilled to see someone actually talking so openly about sex (and specifically such a taboo subject!) on this show, whereas before it’s been portrayed with about the frankness of a Lifetime movie. While it’s probably a conversation I would’ve personally saved for the impending off-camera time, I respect the balls it took to do it on TV. They don’t actually have a real conversation about it though, because 36-year-old Nick just says nothing and giggles. I wouldn’t hold out high hopes for this fantasy suite, girl.

See ya next week for three hours of fantasy suites, an elimination, AND the Women Tell All. I apologize in advance for the novel that will be my recap.

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