We are back for another season!
The 13th season of The Bachelorette premiered last night and we made it through an entire episode without Chris Harrison calling it “the most dramatic season ever,” so maybe this season truly is about progress. In the preview for the full season, a few things are clear: they tried pretty hard to diversify the cast and actually did a pretty good job, it appears they got their budget restored to its former glory and they’ll be visiting places like Copenhagen instead of Des Moines, AND they’re still pulling that bullshit where they show someone bleeding in the season trailer but then either don’t end up showing it (I’m still wondering about Leah’s black eye) or they show it and it’s just a lame accident.
Rachel’s intro is wonderfully corny. The fake courtroom scenes! The dancing in the street! The BASKETBALL PLAYING! Rachel is awesome – I really hope I don’t end up annoyed with her like I inevitably do with every single Bachelor and Bachelorette ever.
They top off the intro with an old ass lady telling Rachel to not fuck too many of the dudes, and some flashbacks to Nick’s season, which allow us to remember how inexcusably LAZY it was to announce that Rachel was the next Bachelorette before Nick had even sent her home. Lol why the fuck do I watch this garbage?
I also really hope that they don’t flub the race issue too badly because Rachel seems super well-equipped to handle it herself. But things look promising so far! Chris Harrison was only mildly patronizing and we haven’t heard any glaringly tone deaf comments yet, except for that dumbass motherfucker she met on After the Final Rose. Honestly I was mostly just reassured that they let Rachel bring her dog to the mansion. That’s a very nice gesture, ABC. Copper is cute as hell.
Onto the men! We kick it off with Kenny, who is a fucking pro wrestler! He’s really sweet and his daughter is A DOOOOOR ABLE. Big potential here.
Jack is a 31 year-old lawyer from Dallas just like Rachel. He’s cute but has weirdly gelled hair? There’s a baseline potential here just because they have a lot in common, even if he turns out to be a dud.
When Alex’s intro came on, I literally started typing the word “meathead” into my Google Doc as he said “people tend to stereotype me as a meathead, but I actually love to code.” Well damn, fuck me then I guess. Sorry for judging you, Alex.
Mo says his biggest accomplishment is launching his start-up and I’m like RUN, RACHEL, RUN!!! He’s going to give you 27 kinds of cereal and let you work on bean bag chairs but refuse to give you health insurance and fire you if you report sexual harassment!!!!!!! It’s cool that he’s a Bollywood dancer and has a pretty mean shimmy, but I was curious about his business, so I Googled him and found his fucking Yelp profile. Enjoy.
Lucas – Okay……I’m not even sure I want to devote any amount of time to this person, but I can’t help myself. Why why why JUST WHY. He keeps saying that he hopes Rachel gets his “humor” but absolutely nothing he is doing is funny. He is apparently trying to bring back 90s-era Jim Carrey humor which, if we’re being honest, no one ever liked… okay fine, Dumb and Dumber is really funny… BUT NO ONE LIKES THE MASK OR ACE VENTURA. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but he’s just not funny at ALL! He just screams a shitty catchphrase and shakes his face until everyone is uncomfortable. You’re not going to make Waboom a thing, dude! You will not be the one person from this season to cultivate a successful personal brand or sell merchandise from being an idiot on TV #TeamCorn #MichaelJordanTookNaps
Blake E. is a personal trainer, which is funny because if I was going to make a joke about the dumb dudes on The Bachelorette, I would probably say something along the lines of “Hey, I’m Blake E., and I’m a personal trainer.” BE BETTER. Also, Blake E. really wants us all to know that he is a big-ol’ sex-haver. He has had sex before and would like you all to be aware of that. Good for you, Blake E., haver of sex.
Diggy fucking rocks and has 575 pairs of sneakers and a cute doggie. Wife him up now, Rach!
Josiah is a prosecutor with an EXTREMELY sad story that The Bachelorette producers were more than happy to exploit. He seemed like a potential front-runner in the intro, but started to get super cocky and annoying throughout the night. Hopefully he chills out because I think he could be one of the stronger contestants.
Back to Rachel driving around in her motherfuckin’ Tesla like a boss and a half. She truly is sassy *and* classy. They usually organize a meeting between the new Bachelorette and some of the former ones, but apparently JoJo, Kaitlyn, and Andi are too busy writing lifestyle blogs to give Rachel advice right now. It’s all good though, we have some homies from Nick’s season, including Raven, Corn, and Queen Alexis. Whitney and Ass-turd are also there but I have no idea which is which. They jumpstart the “right reasons” talk real early and I’m here for itttttttt! Ass-turd (or was it Whitney?) has some gossip that Blake E. (sex-haver) might not have “pure” intentions. Nice lil sprinkle of foreshadowing – maybe he’s the one whose girlfriend shows up mid-season? Only time will tell.
Anyway, it’s time to meet the men!
Peter is the first out of the limo, which *spoiler alert* means that he wins. It always happens and it’s getting obvious. Maybe they’ll surprise me this season, but they never ever surprise me, so everyone should just pack up and leave now. He’s really hot, has nice clothes, and has a very cute gap tooth like Rachel. Just imagine the selfie potential!!!!!
Josiah is next up with a corny but sweet “reasonable doubt” joke that goes over pretty well. Brian hits Rachel with a little spanish and she definitely digs it. Kenny does a sweet little dance, Rob is an ugly law student (ugh, I have enough of those in my life right now), Iggy is boring, Bryce picks her up, which all bitches are guaranteed to love, Will pulls off an impressive Urkel -> Stefan quick-change, and Kyle brings her some buns. All in all, a decent group!
They bring back the four guys who already met her in that awful stunt from ATFR. Dean is rightfully very nervous that he opened his conversation with a stupid joke about “going black,” and literally asks Rachel about her “reaction” to it. Dude. Act like you’ve been here before. And by “been here,” I mean “interacted with a black person.” Rachel handles it with grace, but this dude is fucking annoying.
Demario is cute and confident, but should probably tone it down a little, lest he make many enemies quick. “I’ve met her two times and I’m like ‘wow, this is my woman.’” Eh……chill. Still cute though.
Brady rises quickly to the top of my shitlist by saying that Rachel is “hot and smart, and you don’t really see that combo” OKAY BUD WITH THE CASUAL MISOGYNY YOU’RE NOT HOT OR SMART SO WHY DON’TCHA GO LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT HOW ALARMINGLY COMMON IT IS FOR WOMEN TO BE BOTH CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE AND SMART OKAY? These dudes are *testing meeeeee*
Fred brought along his Dallas elementary school yearbook, which is actually really cute and funny. In breaking with the grand tradition of hideous eighth graders, Rachel was of course annoyingly already beautiful and did not get hit by the same awkward phase as the rest of us. She quickly remarks that he was a really bad kid – get ‘em, Rach.
Jonathan’s occupation is “tickle monster” and he tickled Rachel during his limo introduction. All I had written down on my Google Doc for him is “I WOULD HAVE SWUNG ON A MOTHAFUCKA.”
Lee is really bad singer, Alex brought a vacuum, and Matt came in a penguin suit. So that’s all standard. Adam brought a ventriloquist dummy and it’s just a TERRIBLE weird gimmick. He doesn’t even seem to have the ventriloquist skills for making the puppet talk? He just brought the puppet and didn’t even use it? Like what was the point of that terrifying doll???
Jedidiah, my guy, would it kill you to put on a fucking suit jacket? It’s The Bachelorette, not a casino night fundraiser in a Knights of Columbus banquet hall. This motherfucker then recites a Bible verse, “when Jacob met Rachel, he wept” because apparently he has not been keeping up with The Handmaid’s Tale in which they READ FROM THAT SAME CHAPTER RIGHT BEFORE RAPING THE HANDMAIDS. RACHEL, GIRL, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, START RUNNING TO THE BORDER!!!!!!!!!!
Now we have to deal with Lucas again and I honestly am just like no. I don’t want to deal with this. He is exhausting. He won’t stop doing his head-shaky “Waboom” thing and it is terrible. Someone needs to hit this man, he’s literally just trying to make a fucking catchphrase for himself so he can get enough Instagram followers to support his apparently insatiable cocaine habit.
Finally all the men have arrived, and there are 31 of them. It kind of sucks that they’ve been increasing the number steadily over the course of the seasons. Just trim some of the fat and it will make for better TV! Some of these guys are such obvious duds, I just can’t imagine why they need 31 of them. It makes it harder to follow and it doesn’t seem like Rachel gets much time with any of the guys. At some points, three or four guys are trying to “steal her away” at the same time! This is not fun for anyone involved, I’m sure. But I’m continually impressed by Rachel’s ability to roll with it all and keep these awful conversations rolling. She’s a really dynamic lead and handling all of this well.
The producers are having a LOT of fun with the doll. He gets his own asides, in which he apparently speaks French? Kenny compliments A.J. the doll’s “pretty dope fade” and Josiah says “everyone is here for love, including A.J.” I hope he makes it to the final four because I really want to see Rachel go to A.J.’s hometown and meet his family.
Brian snags the first kiss in an AGGRESSIVE yet successful move really early on. Rachel seemed okay with it but he reeeeeeallllly got in there. He ends up getting the first impression rose, which is great for me because he’s on my fantasy team so I got hella points, but damn homie your makeouts look borderline painful. Chill!
Mo is super wasted, the vacuum guy is dancing through the middle of other dudes’ conversations, and the Waboom guy will just not shut the fuck up. He literally sings “Cause I’m Waboooooooom” to the tune of Tame Impala’s “Cause I’m a Man.” And no one is having it.
Blake E. is especially upset about Lucas and takes it upon himself to confront him about his intentions. This is a classic Bachelor case of one person being totally awful, but the person who confronts them somehow managing to be worse (read: Corinne and Taylor). Just mind your fucking business, bros. Instead of letting Waboom just fizzle out naturally, he must go say some shit to him about not being here for the right reasons. Methinks the sex-haver doth protest too much because Ass-turd literally just told Rachel that Blake E. was the phony one! We’ll see how this plays out, but I just thought it was really funny when Lucas said “I feel that everyone has a little bit of Waboom in them.” and Blake responded “I don’t have any Waboom in me.” Wow, guys, truly riveting stuff. Tell us more about how women can’t be both attractive and smart.
After the rose ceremony, Adam and his puppet, along with Mr. Waboom himself, live to see another day, but Grant, Kyle, Blake K., Milton, Mohit, Rob, and Jedidiah go home. No surprises here – Mohit got fuckin’ wasted, Jedidiah tried to trick Rachel into performing “The Ceremony,” Milton kept growling at Rachel for some reason, and everyone else was just boring. Either way, I hope that some of the remaining guys are humbled into chilling the fuck out a little. The bro-dom of this episode was pretty annoying. Still, my jaw fucking hit the floor when Lucas got the last rose. Imagine going home while THAT GUY stays. Damn.
The responses of the fallen gentlemen, however, are TO DIE FOR. I was honest to god cackling at these motherfuckers who got kicked off. First of all, I hope everyone noticed that it was daylight by the time the rose ceremony rolled around, meaning these guys have not slept all night, and have presumably been drinking for roughly twelve hours. Emotions are bound to run high.
Here are my two favorite quotes from eliminated contestants:
“We had an amazing doctor, we had another military guy, we had a marketing dude, we were just outstanding guys, and Waboom made it.” – Blake K., who Rachel probably eliminated for pure convenience, because there were two Blakes. Also, *of course* there were two Blakes. But really, he has a point: HOW COULD THEY HAVE FAILED WHEN THEY HAD A “MARKETING DUDE?” Just outstanding guys.
“That’s what I’m most upset about, you know. I bought a bunch of outfits that I wanted to wear, didn’t even get to show em off, you know, probably the best dressed dude in there.” – Milton, who really had his priorities straight.
We finished up with “exciting highlights from this season of The Bachelorette,” which included Rachel making out with a lot of guys, snow dogs, Nordic countries, and race talk! It also looks like Lee will be this season’s villain – he gets into some big fights and appears to be an obnoxious troll. And someone’s ex-girlfriend shows up with receipts to blow up their spot in a maaaaajor way. Looks fun!
I do have to say, on a serious note, it is really nice to see a black woman in the lead role after watching this show for years. Rachel is an intelligent and beautiful adult, and it’s about time The Bachelor got serious about their representation problem. There has never been a shortage of women like Rachel to include in this show. It’s not like Rachel is some magical unicorn that only comes around once in a great while – there are tons of women like her, some of which have been on this show and got sent home before hometowns because ABC wasn’t ready to deal with the optics of interracial dating. It’s bullshit that it took so long, but as a longtime fan of the show, I’m really happy to see this happening and I hope it helps people realize how easy it can be to make your show reflect the culture in a more accurate way. And sure, I make fun of these shows for sport, but I genuinely hope Rachel finds love and that ABC continues to make incremental steps toward becoming a less trash network. That’s all.