As soon as I saw “The Girlfriend” in the episode previews, I knew the culprit had to be Demario because I have an uncanny almost psychic ability to accidentally draft the villain in my fantasy league. (My number one picks for the past three seasons were Clint, Chad, and Demario). Apparently my shitty taste in men is so solid it transcends a computer screen. Rachel was having none though, and kicked Demario to the curb amidst the irritating shouts of his maybe-ex-girlfriend. At least we got to see SOMEONE go home this week. Oh, wait…
The men all stand on the balcony and shout for Rachel even though she isn’t there, because EQUALITY. Chris Harrison announces there will be two group dates this week and they will be split up by the Duds vs the Hotties. Leading Team Duds is Whaboom guy (idgaf how u spell it) aka Lucas who wears sunglasses you get at a frat party and makes everyone on this date wish they were dead.
“I know the real Lucas. Lucas is garbage.” Blake, aspiring drummer.
Rachel introduces us to her dear friends Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher who I guess don’t have any shitty rom-coms on deck so they figured they’d burn a Saturday making fun of these losers. Mila and Ashton are like “yeah we watch the show lol it’s so embarrassing, guilty pleasure” to these people that went through months of rigorous casting and abandoned their lives to partake in said show.
Back at the mansion Lee tries to talk shit about the guys on the group date but his insults are literally too stupid to understand and don’t make any sense so I’m getting lots of foreshadowing that we’ll hate this dude in a couple weeks.
Ashton looks out at this group and says he doesn’t think Rachel’s guy is here (accurate). He also says he knew it was Mila from day one (inaccurate, pour one out for Demi) and Mila decides it’s a cute enough comment to maybe warrant a blow job. Raise your hand if you’d like to know more about Jackie and Kelso’s sex life.
Dean has never held a baby in his life. U R A BABY, DEAN. Iggy poops every day of his life but he doesn’t know how to wipe off the poop of another. Kenny keeps talking about how his experience as a single dad is really going to help him pull a giant dreadlock out of a drain. Whaboom wins despite everyone doing everything they can to help Kenny and ensure that does not happen. Apparently love just isn’t as strong of a motivation as airtime/insta followers.
Lucas tries to get Ashton Kutcher to do a whaboom and idk why the following convo was so funny:
Mila: That’s the sound he makes
Ashton: Why? For what?
Mila: Because he can
Note to Lucas: when Ashton Kutcher is too high brow for your comedy, you aren’t fucking funny.
In the next portion of the date, Blake and Lucas give each other a run for their money in a contest of who sucks more. They’ve both apparently lived with each other’s ex girlfriends even though they pretended not to know each other in the premiere.
Whaboom reads Rachel a poem he wrote which I have transcribed here, no copyright infringement intended:
To the long journey ahead
Your beautiful brown eyes and your gorgeous smile
Are just the tip of all you entitle*
And I look forward to this adventure with you
to continue for a very long while.
*He either just completely misused the word “entitle” here or said the word “entail” and just mispronounced it to rhyme with smile. Idk which one I love more. Anyway if it took him more than five minutes to write this I’m legitimately concerned.
Meanwhile Jonathan (I think) is reciting his for some reason extensive knowledge on diaper rash, Fred/Freddy is still talking about camp where he was apparently really bad. (Just how bad was this third grader??) And Rachel isn’t feeling any romantic vibes because these guys all fucking suck.
Blake goes to Rachel and tells her that Lucas wears make-up to look good on TV so you can’t trust him his face is full of secrets. I sort of wished Rachel had called him out on that incredibly gendered double standard but instead I get to listen to Lucas clap back with sick burns like “the only leg that I have to stand on is my own two feet.” I honestly feel so bad for all the other guys who have to sit in a room with these two.
“These white dudes are kinda buggin right now” -Kenny with the understatement of the ep.
Dean gets the rose. He seems like a guy you’d go on two Bumble dates with and then forget his name. But he’s in a sea of suck and looks like a Hollister model so he’s Rachel’s best make out option at the moment.
It’s the one on one date whatever OMG COPPER. Poor sweet baby Copper has broken his leg. Peter is cool and all but he is not expressing nearly enough enthusiasm for this situation. They go to Dog Coachella or whatever weird shit they do in California and I want to go to there. This pup is living a way better life than me.
At dinner, Rachel and Peter discuss their mutual gap-toothed-ness and how it’s not their fault they’re so gap toothed. Also, therapy. Neither of these subjects have ever been dinner convos on The Bachelor to my recollection so I’m into it. Rachel semi-calls out the question “You’re so great how are you still single?” which, if you’re dumb and still don’t know, is a rude and presumptuous question which I’ve devoted an article to yelling about.
Peter unsurprisingly gets the rose and we’re on to the group basketball date, where the men continue a grand Bachelorette tradition of making nonsensical metaphors.
Demario: “You can either sink with the fishes or swim to shore.” Fish swim idiot.
Josiah: “She had on some legging tights that just fit her body like a Coca Cola bottle.” WHAT does this mean. Men, are you sexually attracted to Coke bottles? Need 2 know.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar shows up, is fucking tall. He imparts some wisdom about basketball and character and how basketball is character but also love and I’m wine drunk so it kind of makes sense.
After what looks like a pretty pathetic basketball game, Rachel takes pics with whatever weird people they found on the street to come to this thing. But surprise! One of these desperate fans is not like the other. Her name is Lexi and she looks like someone who takes a lot of selfies that don’t actually look like her IRL. She’s here to tell Rachel that she dated Demario for seven months before he ghosted her to appear on After The Final Rose. I don’t think we’ve had an ex/sort-of-current girlfriend actually show up on the show since Justin “Rated R” Wrestler on Ali’s season and I’m pumped.
Rachel storms into the locker room like Hilary Duff in A Cinderella Story and calls Demario to the principal’s office aka the bleachers of this middle school gym. And Demario’s reaction is PRICELESS.
Lexi: Karma’s a bitch isn’t it Demario?
Demario: New phone who dis
So let’s track Demario’s defense to shed some light on the veracity of Lexi’s claims. Demario starts off by saying “Who’s this?” and for a moment I literally thought he was going to pretend he’d never met this girl.
But Demario realizes that the Shaggy Defense doesn’t work if she has any shred of evidence, and this girl has a CSI back room of forensic information. SO he then moves on to the classic “Crazy Bitch” defense and says Lexi is a psycho who he met many moons ago. And this is around the point where Demario essentially gets out a shovel and starts digging his own grave.
After a bit more yelling back and forth, and after Lexi swears on the graves of her kittens into the camera Frank Underwood style, Demario reveals that he has had an on-again off-again relationship with Lexi but that he ended it before he went on The Bachelorette. Now Lexi pulls out the phone to show us all the sad sorry nice guy texts Demario sent her. All he can muster is that the break-up took place “face to face” (CONVENIENT) and “this is crazy.” Tell him boy, bye.
It might seem like Demario was spoken over or that Rachel didn’t give him a chance to explain. But Demario’s changing story really tells Rachel all she needs to know here, and as a 32-year-old attorney she’s not here for this bullshit. She rightfully sends Demario home and basically tells Chris Harrison to fuck off because let’s not pretend you guys didn’t have a hand in this.
The men all feel shocked and betrayed that D had a girlfriend back home. Calm down you’re not blood brothers you met two days ago. They try to distract Rachel at the evening date with various shitty tactics. Will reads a lengthy Pinterest quote about success off his phone. Alex sings the one song he knows in Russian which is luckily about a woman with dark eyes. Josiah gets the rose because he didn’t do anything stupid.
HMM only ten minutes left I wonder if there will be a rose ceremony or if Demario will “come back” to cause a whole bunch of drama over a whole lot of nothing. Could you guys leave even a slight tiny hint of unpredictability somewhere in the season? Because it’s getting stale. Rachel agrees to speak to Demario and the producers round up an angry douche bag mob to go confront Demario despite the fact that Rachel is having a private conversation with him which is none of their damn business. See you next week for some more bullshit.