This episode was just ridiculously jam packed – by the end of it, I had forgotten that the whole Demario incident occurred in the same episode. Just…..so many man fights.
Demario jumpstarted the dramatic foolishness of this episode in the very first minute, when he showed up to beg for Rachel’s forgiveness. He gave her some over-practiced disingenuous speech about how he just can’t let her go and how he was wrong for causing her to have to interact with a girl with such thin eyebrows, but Rachel was not having it. He even resorted to reciting some inspirational quotes from his AIM profile and recounting the sage advice he received in his Uber pool on the way here (his driver definitely give him 1 star) but Rachel sent him packing anyway.
When the guys asked if Demario was coming back, Rachel yelled “FUCK NO!” and if you listened hard enough, you could hear every scorned woman in America collectively let out a quiet, pained “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaas.”
The highlight of this episode (and my life) came after the rose ceremony, in which we lost two equally terrible losers: Blake and Lucas. Rachel had quite enough of listening to Lucas slur his words and Blake talking about his “ketogenic diet” and sent both of their asses home, or, more likely, to Paradise.
Blake is outraged that he has been placed into the same category as the “Whaboom” guy, and so obviously, these two fucksticks fight it out in a duel truly worthy of a founding father-themed musical. But really this is quite possibly the single worst altercation I have ever seen in my life. I want to properly pay my respects to this incredible moment in television history, so I will be including a series of screen captures throughout the recap that I feel really do it justice. Keep your eyes peeled, readers!
Next, a few of the men head to a group date on The Ellen Show! Everyone loves Ellen so honestly this was fun to watch. I was a big fan of the Never Have I Ever game, but I was SO ANNOYED when Bryan felt the need to grab the mic from Ellen’s hand and tell everyone he kissed Rachel. Will followed suit and the two had a nice little dick-measuring contest while Peter stood there quietly with the biggest dick of all like the ‘classy man who is really pulling off his Just For Men Touch of Grey hair lewk’ that he is. But seriously if I was Rachel and a man referred to me as his “sloppy seconds” on a daytime talk show hosted by the woman who single-handedly made America like gay people, I would have sent him home on the spot and then danced in the aisles with some old white ladies. HAVE SOME GOD DAMN MANNERS!
Things got a little uncomfy when Ellen made the guys strip for all the retirees in the audience. IDK I might have just been freaked out because my grandma and Aunt Jeanie were audience members on Ellen once and I would not have been okay if Alex had done this to them:
All levity was lost when Fred met his demise. This was so fucking sad, holy shit. It was pretty clear the whole time that he was going to try really hard and really put himself out there only to fall flat on his face. It was genuinely hard to watch him fail so spectacularly – asking Rachel for her permission to kiss her, the execution of the kiss, and his overall complete lack of confidence was just super unattractive and I don’t blame Rachel at all for sending him home. I do, however, blame her for BRINGING THE ROSE WITH HER WHILE SHE DID IT! Girl, why?! That must have been a genuine absent-minded mistake – or maybe Rachel is secretly pure evil. Either way, Fred had a particularly sad exit. Yikes.
Anthony, who I swear to god I have never seen before in my life, got the one-on-one date this week. I am fully convinced he was not in the first or second episode at all and that the producers are just trying to see if we would notice if they threw a rando in on the third week, but either way, the date went fine I guess. The only notable moment was when that horse doodooed in a Rodeo Drive boutique. That was hilarious.
Next up, Raven, Alexis, Jasmine, and Corinne return for a mud-wrestling group date! I can only imagine that each of these dudes were happy to see them so they could scope out the Paradise cast (literally all four of these girls are going to be on) before they promptly get kicked off Rachel’s season and end up on a dirty island with them. The guys wrestle and it’s p funny but not nearly as entertaining as the girls’ reactions:
Things get significantly more annoying when everyone decides to gang up on Eric for some reason. Maybe I missed something, but I really did not understand what the big deal was. I really don’t think Eric did anything particularly offensive, and all the guys bitching just seemed like they were picking a fight. Luckily, Rachel agreed for the most part, but it looks like Lee is going to continue being an issue at least for another episode. I really hope she sends Lee home, not just because Eric is on my fantasy team and I want him to stick around to earn me more points, but because Lee is a racist prick who doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near her. I’m genuinely pissed that the producers casted him on this season – they 100% read social media accounts before casting these guys, and knew full well that they were giving Rachel, the first black lead ever on this show, a man who has equated the NAACP with the KKK, among other reprehensible comments. He needs to go, and if they put him on Paradise, they’re even more evil than I think.
Iggy, on the other hand, isn’t a bigot as far as I can tell, but IS a clear front-runner for “That one dude on The Men Tell All who has some shit to say about every single issue when no one cares what he has to say or even really remembers who he is.” Iggy, dear, when your only one-on-one conversations with Rachel are about someone else, you’re doing it wrong. The guys who do that are always doomed to fail, and they deserve to. Ask her about her job or her family or her flawless fur stoles or something, fuck!
The preview for next week looks dramatic as all hell – Kenny calls Lee a bitch, which is great on all fronts, and Will schools Lee on his racist ass attitude. I’m going to go out on a limb and make a bold prediction that Lee says something along the lines of, “I don’t know why these guys have to make it about race! I don’t care if you’re white, black, brown, purple, polka-dot, it’s about RESPECT!” Fuck this fucking guy. Ugh, y’all, I miss Copper.