The Bachelorette Recap: Episode 6

I’ll do my best to recap this episode even though I literally fell asleep twice trying to watch it. I blame it partially on a tasty bottle of Rosé and partially on the mid-season blues, which we are now in the thick of. It occurs every year when the bigger personalities/characters have left (not referring to Lee who is in a category all on his own) and we know who the final four will be, so we’re left with two or three episodes to trim down the fat: guys who are fine and nice and boring whose names we can only sometimes remember. WHO. IS. MATT.

But first a celebration is in order. We have left Lee behind. I would have preferred to leave him on the fiery edge of an active volcano rather than a picturesque Norwegian mountain, but fine. There’s not much to say about Lee that hasn’t already been said so I won’t waste my time on him. But if Lee and his smile make your skin crawl, know that Lee is not a happy person. Lee is a literal sadist (he’s said as much himself) and I feel sorry for whatever made him such an unfortunate human being. Now hopefully with his departure I can stop getting into comment fights online.

Kenny returns after Rachel has just told him about Lee’s lies, presumably a produced move for the sake of provoking him. What does Rachel do during these moments where we’re waiting for drama to unfold between Kenny and Lee? Does she just sit in the forest and pray to Chris Harrison that they don’t make her give the rose to a white supremacist? Kenny lets the insults rips while Lee says nothing and tries to keep up the physde/facade (sp?) that he  is still in control of this situation. At this point in time, Lee is cowering. He is a shrinking violet. A deflating balloon. A penis slowly going from erect to flaccid.

Lee: Jesus loves you

Kenny: Jesus don’t love you cause you a piece of shit

Sorry God but this was AMAZING.

I never had any doubt in Rachel that she would make the right choice here. Even if she weren’t such a good judge of character, even the producers know that they can’t keep Lee on here for much longer without losing viewers.

After Lee throws a bunch of sweethearts and honeys at Rachel (aw he’s such a southern gent you guys) and tries yet again to throw Kenny under the bus, Rachel and Kenny head back to the helicopter. But Kenny isn’t done. I very much understand Kenny’s impulse to return and yell more things at Lee. There’s lots of things I’d like to yell at him about and I’ve never met the man.  But Rachel is on the helicopter and Rachel is life so you better keep your priorities in check.

Screen Shot 2017-06-28 at 7.20.24 PM

When he says Serena Williams would be 500th in the world if she played against men

Kenny and Rachel talk in a room without even getting a fake dinner in front of them. They seem to be on the same page but his distance from his daughter coupled with the Lee drama is clearly getting to him. Tbh Kenny seems like he needs his daughter more than she needs him. She is dressed as a cat and is living her best life rn.

The rose ceremony is rushed and makes no sense to me as a fellow human woman. For example, my literal notes beforehand: “Sry Matt but dead ass there’s 0 percent chance you’re staying.”

I’ve really started to love Anthony and they went on a one-on-one like 2 days ago so sure why shouldn’t he go home? RIP the wisest man in this house. Meanwhile Josiah says, “If she doesn’t give me a rose there’s something wrong with her brain,” and that sums up Josiah’s problem in one sentence.

They’re all going to Denmark. Eric receives a date card that says “I’m copen to love.” This pun (if it qualifies as one) is a fireable offense IMO.

On their one-on-one Eric and Rachel do all the activities. They go boating, hot tubbing, to dinner and to a carnival. Eric asks Rachel how many children she wants and they’re not even playing MASH. Eric wants TEN HUMAN CHILDREN and they’re still not even playing MASH. Plot twist: what if there were a bachelorette who wasn’t interested in having children?

Why are there so many hot tubs in this one vicinity? Is this like a town square with hot tubs? Why is this man flashing them and why are we all cool with it? So many questions.

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Hans here is quite pleased with his display

At dinner Eric says he’s never been in love and that his mother didn’t express love to him as a child. But now he’s with Rachel and he wants to know what love is. He wants her to shooow him. Eric gets a rose which have been really difficult to get lately.

For the group date they’re all going to pretend to be Vikings for an afternoon, except Alex who is an actual Viking. This boat they’re rowing reminds me of a family vacation in New Zealand. My mom and sister and I all wanted to go on a dolphin spotting boat but my dad instead booked us a spot on a fake pirate ship where you can pretend you’re actually helping them sail. Different strokes different folks.

Are Tom and Morton high? Or have they taken one too many head butts while playing Vikings with each other? Either way they seem to have no clue what this activity they’re supposed to be leading is. The men put on costumes to make themselves appear like human penises and compete in a series of events much like Ryan Merriman did in The Luck of the Irish. Except instead of winning back their family’s luck they have to steal a greasy stick from Rachel to win her hand.

Kenny and Adam knock into each other over the course of the games. What a shocking boo boo. Honestly that blood looked fake as hell and I wouldn’t put it past producers to add a little ketchup to their wounds. Kenny is crowned, proving once again that he is really committed to dumb and pointless group date competitions and proving nothing about his connection with Rachel.

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the hero we don’t deserve

In the evening, Rachel and Bryan tell each other they miss each other while sitting next to each other. How are we already talking about meeting families? Rachel is drunk on Pinot Noir and drunk on Peter. Idk whether she’s more into McDreamy or McSteamy but one of these guys has got to be too good to be true.

Rachel and Kenny use Matt and his first two minutes of screen time as a sounding board for their relationship with each other. Kenny feels like Rachel could be the one but she’s not the one yet and his daughter’s also the one so they have to figure out now in the next five minutes if she can become the one. Rachel likes Kenny, but she doesn’t final-two-like-him-like-him so  she sends Kenny home to his v precocious daughter who’s like “at least you got a nice Scandinavian vacay Dad, stop crying.”

Next Rachel and Will have a one-on-one in Sweden. They walk around a bit before settling in for tea with an elderly Swedish couple. Are you guys literally gonna give us zero explanation for this? Ok. Of course they’ve been married for 35 years but wouldn’t it be gr8 if they sat down and Rachel and Will were like “how long have you been together” and this Mrs. Claus lookin lady was like “no no he’s just my side bitch.”

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WHO SENT YOU

Rachel isn’t feeling the X-factor spark with Will, as demonstrated by the classic Bachelor/Bachelorette footage of them standing in front of a beautiful view and Will only speaking about said view. “The shipyards. They’re like old but also new?”

At dinner Rachel asks Will about the sort of women Will has dated in the past, and Will immediately responds, “mostly white girls.” I feel like Will felt like this was something he just should get off his chest or something but I think she was more inquiring into what attracted him and his past relationships than looking to hear the race of his past girlfriends (which wasn’t her own).

Back at the house though, Eric feels that this is something Will should address on his date. Dean doesn’t understand why it would be important, as he hasn’t typically dated black women before either. Eric says that Will being a black man, there’s a different set of expectations and understanding. Dean says something to the effect of “Oh, okay. I didn’t know that. That makes sense, thank you for enlightening me.” Wow you guys it’s almost like we didn’t need a hostile racist in the house antagonizing black men to have a productive conversation relating to race!!!!!

Will doesn’t get the rose which seems heavy right now but he would’ve gone home within the next couple weeks anyway. We are finally going to end on a rose ceremony because there’s no way this will be a cliffhanger. McDreamy and McSteamy are lightyears ahead of some of these guys. Why are we only getting rid of one?

All I’m left with is that Matt and Adam must be fucking a producer because I cannot fathom how they get roses while Alex goes home. How many of his fun pants will the world never get to see??? Next week it appears that maybe Peter is shady? But these previews are shady and I do not trust them.

 

 

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