The good news is that this is the last episode before hometowns, and the last time we have to pretend sweet Matt and his receding hair line have any remaining shot with Rachel. The bad news is that I think I’ve conditioned myself into a Pavlov’s dog situation with the Bachelor and brie cheese. I really didn’t want to eat it last night but I just had to, it was like the chocolate cake scene from Matilda. But I guess that doesn’t really affect you guys so moving on to the rest of this boring ass episode.
Rachel and her boys are heading to Geneva, Switzerland, which Rachel tells us is cool and foreign because of its cobble stone streets. This week there will be three one-on-ones and one three-on-one, and the anxiety is real. For them, not for us, because Matt and Adam are obviously going home yet it takes us 2 hours and 700 speeches to get there.
Bryan gets the first one-on-one which is a big ole slap in the face to Matt and Adam, who have yet to receive a one-on-one and never will because they’re duds. Jk but were you guys really under the impression that this process was fair? It’s not like she was gonna waste an abroad one-on-one on your creepy ass Adam. Anyway YES to gratuitous shots of Bryan getting dressed.
Anyway Bry Guy goes on the first date and immediately starts talking about how #blessed he is to be here. He wants to thank God and his mother and the casting ppl at ABC, never stop grinding. Rachel says Switzerland is known for so many things! Chocolates, cheeses, and shady banking practices, so they’re going to embezzle some money in a Swiss vault for this date. Jk it’s watches. Bryan is going to try on watches while Rachel…watches. Fun.
Rachel is like “I’m getting this watch for you” pulling that classic lead move where they pretend to be the financier of every date and transaction. Meanwhile back at the house Adam is like “TIME IS ALL WE HAVE” and I’m like holy shit is this date some typa metaphor? Have Bachelor episodes always had hidden layers of symbolism but we’re all too stupid/drunk to notice?
Rachel can picture her life with Bryan and says this day is so special because in the future they can remember “that time we went to Geneva and bought watches.” Ok. You guys probably could’ve bought that same watch on Amazon but whatever sure way to take advantage of the culture.
Petey and Dean bring up the fact that Bryan is 37 which might as well be 100 in Bachelorette years. I say Bachelorette because lol like we’d ever have a 37 year old female contestant. I don’t agree with Dean’s judgement that there’s something amiss about Bryan simply because he’s still single. But I do agree that he seems suspiciously quick to be into Rachel for someone that clearly hasn’t necessarily been as invested in relationships in the past. I’m Team Peter this week, fight me.
Dean gets the next date card and says “please don’t punch me in the face.” Dean is such a fucking DEAN. He’s definitely been beat up a few times in his life.
Bryan says his last girlfriend broke up with him because of his mother, which makes me exceedingly excited to see Bryan’s family next week. They eat at some music hall which is low key kind of fug, whoever decorated this was like “hmm what says ROMANCE like randomly placed antique candlesticks and spooky drapes?”
Dean’s going to church. I’d rather get a new watch. Afterward they hop/dance in a square to what sounds like the Swiss equivalent of an ice cream truck. Rachel wants to talk to Dean about his family and Dean looks like he’s going to poop his pants because his family sucks. He changes the subject with “Do you believe in the tooth fairy?” Nailed it, Dean.
Rachel really wants to go to Aspen and get her ski on so she prods sweet baby Dean into talking about his “eccentric” father and their “dysfunctional patriarchy.” I thought this was Dean prepping us that his Dad likes Trump or something but then I saw next week’s previews and was like oh, okay.
Peter has the next date and it says something about peaking. Peter is peaking. Right. Now. Peter takes her “higher.” Higher and HIGHER. HIGH! GET IT WE’RE RIPPING BONGS ON THIS DATE. No they’re going on a helicopter and Rachel is like “lol is this your first helicopter ride you’re so cute.” They check out the Swiss Alps before landing on a glacier and going DOG SLEDDING. Peter gets the best dates.
Omg these rotating guy chats, must we? It’s like in middle school when you were scared to leave a group of your friends because whenever someone left everyone else immediately started talking shit about them. If we eliminated these musings about NOTHING this could’ve been an hour ep. But what am I saying, we could’ve just picked up at the next episode with Matt and Adam gone and I don’t think anyone would have noticed or objected.
Peter talks about his last relationship where he drove away and saw her crying in his rearview mirror. Peter, are you sure this was your last relationship or are you getting it confused with a music video you shot as part of your male modeling career? I can’t believe they used this fucking audio to make me distrust Peter. Rachel asks Peter if he would propose at the end if he wasn’t actually feeling it. He says no, obviously, and Rachel interprets this to mean he’s not going to be ready to propose to her. What?!?! How else was he supposed to answer this question?!
The last date card arrives. Dean is the only person I’ve ever seen tie the strings on his hoodie. Adam is absurdly confident for someone who brought a puppet and has never had a one-on-one. He goes on a weird rant about the word “difficult” and says he doesn’t live by that. You can not say the word difficult all you want Adam, it doesn’t mean difficulties don’t exist?
The three men seem to go on the date with little animosity but a general melancholy feeling like they all just stepped in dog shit. Adam tells Rachel that this date will not be difficult it will be challenging. Pretty sure those are synonyms bro, but okay. Rachel’s like “moving on” and starts her solo talks.
Matt tells Rachel that it’s so amazing to see how she’s evolved in the past 8-10 months. Huh? You didn’t know her 8-10 months ago bruh and also why are you talking to her like a concerned parent? He mentions taking her home to meet his family and Rachel starts crying which is always a good sign. Matt is too awkward to go find anywhere to set his champagne glass so he just runs away with it. I would say see you on Paradise but you’re far too dull.
Rachel “can’t decide” even though we all know it’s Eric. She’s like “it’s really between Eric and Adam at this point.” Well no shit bish, now pick one so I can go the fuck to sleep. Adam gives a nice little speech and says all the right things. Eric gets real about his family and also tells Rachel he’s never brought a woman home before. While this slightly alarms Rachel, it’s not like she’s gonna pick Adam.
Adam freaks out that Rachel made a mistake and that if she just met his family she’d feel differently. Uh, a woman shouldn’t have to meet your family to like you bud. The last thing he says to her is “I hope you don’t think back and regret letting Adam go.” Relax, I promise you no one will ever think that.
Hometowns look lit, see you next week!