Let’s make this short and sweet bc I got places to be and naps to nap. This week on The Bachelorette Rachel introduced her three remaining suitors (can we even call Peter a suitor anymore when he’s lukewarm at best?) to her family because her sister is 8 months pregnant and wasn’t missing this shit. I’ve never really introduced a serious boyfriend, much less three in a row, to my family, so this seemed like a nightmare. Peter’s flowers haven’t even had time to wilt when Eric gets there with his, and the Lindsay fam already has a slew of impeccable floral arrangements in their home so idk maybe you guys shoulda brought a more original gift.
Because of the change in scheduling, the men are going to be stuck in the same room together in Dallas. Which felt…what’s the word I’m looking for? Producer manipulated for dramatic tension? Peter is going to meet the family first and Bryan tells Eric he hopes Peter sets a low bar lol. Good one Bry, at least you’re pretty.
Before meeting the Lindsays, Rachel takes Peter to a boutique to shop for baby clothes, literally all of our fantasies rn. Dear lord let me pick out striped onesies with this gap toothed dream boy.
Mr. Lindsay is absent, whether he is unavailable or unwilling to be there is unclear. Rachel’s sister Constance is here to play the skeptic though, and her husband (Jeff? I forget) is here to over-involve himself in the questioning. Rachel’s mother seems a bit unaware of how this whole thing works. She’s like “you mean to tell me that you guys are gonna fall in love in 9 weeks?” Like I get you, Mrs. Lindsay, but yes that’s sort of the whole premise.
Rachel’s mom: What makes you want to propose to my daughter
Peter: I don’t want to
Rachel’s mom: I like you
Rachel’s family seemed to love Peter’s reluctance as a sign of realness but like come on we’re at final three and this boy is talking about Rachel like she’s a just alright coworker. The Lindsay’s have a fountain/pool Peter, get your shit together!
Bryan asks Peter if he asked for her family’s blessing in marriage and Peter is like “NO!” but looks damn fine in a pair of maroon joggers. Eric goes to meet the family and gives a lot of pretty solid speeches but Constance has printed out his dating resume and is like in 2007 why didn’t you tell Tiffany Andrews that you were falling in love with her on your 10th date? Eric tells Constance that he loves Rachel unconditionally but isn’t in love with her. Huh? He seems to assuage her fears somewhat and we don’t get a stated preference between Peter and Eric but it doesn’t matter bc everyone is here to hate Bryan.
Bryan is up third and he wears his matching watches with Rachel which the guys are jealous af of. These men sure come down hard on Bryan for…being from Miami? According to Peter the boob jobs per capita of your hometown say a lot about your character. Bryan gets to go to brunch with the girls because Bryan is winning. Rachel tells her friends she thought Bryan was a huge douche bag but then he turned out to be a kiss ass momma’s boy instead.
Bryan comes in and, unlike the other two men is like “I LOVE RACHEL.” Rachel’s family thinks he should calm the fuck down and makes him betray his loyalty to his mother for Rachel on national television. Mama Abosolo is NOT going to like this Bryan. I’m scared.
At dinner the family is like what does Rachel bring out in you as a person? And Bryan is like can I go to the bathroom? Rachel yells at her fam for not immediately loving her favorite, as they never do, and Jeff(?) tells her she’s too emotional about the situation. Tell her one more time Jeff, I dare you, I’ll snap your tortoise shell glasses in two.
Constance tells Bryan he uses the word love too much too soon and Bryan is like “I love you guys, I love this family.” Constance is like back the fuck up creep we met an hour and a half ago. True. Buuut why are ya’ll so uncomfortable with using the L word yet seem comfortable with one of these dudes proposing in a hot sec?
The drama unresolved but apparently over, the remaining three men jet off to Northern Spain, which is ideal because my girl Rach loves her some cobblestone streets and a good glass of red.
Eric has a very cute one-on-one where they fly in a helicopter to an island. He tells us, “I always say one on one full of fun big Rach big E it’s our time again.” Really, is that what you always say? Eric and Rachel ring an old bell three times that’s supposed to grant their wishes. Eric wishes Rachel will pick him and Rachel wishes that Peter will decide he wants to marry her. Probably neither will come true.
At the dinner portion it’s time to pressure Eric into confessing his love to Rachel. After a lot of back and forth and an important determination that “the hot tub was emotional chemistry,” Eric tells Rachel he’s in love with her/tells a woman he loves her for the first time. Oh, no, I fear this shan’t end well.
Next Peter goes on a date with Rachel to a winery in a cave, where an old Spanish man sings a song at them calling Rachel a little American girl who kisses with passion. This was…awkward. Then they discover “Raquel y Pedro’s” wine locker and Pedro is pretty psyched to add to his wine collection even though all they seem to have to say about the wines is “so good, really good.”
Rachel and Peter are starting to talk about their fundamental differences in opinion when an adorable little girl stops by to stare at them and give them flowers. What was the casting placement on this? “Tiny Spanish girl to interrupt The Bachelorette and her date at opportune moments?” Eh I’m into it.
Bachelor nation loves a good grape stomping so we close out with this:
Also because it’s 2017 and it’s time we all re-watch this:
Later on Peter reveals he saved their wine cork and is like “write something special about me on it.” It’s cute but not cute enough to save the situation. Peter sees engagement as marriage and Rachel is like nah it’s just an engagement. She wants a commitment, which I get, and Peter isn’t ready for that commitment, which I also get. But while Rachel seems more willing to figure this out, saying, “someone’s gotta bend,” Peter almost seems ready to break up, saying she shouldn’t bend but he’s also not going to bend and that’s that. Yo this ish is stupid, Petey. Get a rock or GTFO.