Bachelor In Paradise Recap: Episode 3

Last night on Bachelor In Paradise, Trump interrupted my DVR recording (making this recap extra late) and too-pure-for-this-world Kristina had her heart broken by one of our faves Lil Deanie Baby.* What is left to live for?

*Side note: I literally just got that Deanie Baby is a play on Beanie Baby and am now questioning whether I have the right to insult the intelligence of the people on this show.

While I frequently mention how great a stint on Paradise would be, mostly for the  whole “get paid to drink free booze on the beach” aspect, last night’s episode reminded us why it would actually suck. Who here hasn’t been fucked over by a nice guy like Dean, who’s trying to not hurt any feelings but then ends up hurting more feelings with his wishy-washiness? Who here hasn’t been a Kristina and known a situation wasn’t going to end well but still clung to some hope that it would work? This isn’t a “villain and the nice-girl” scenario a la Joe and Julia (ick), it’s just someone not-so-gracefully moving on while someone still cares and it’s hard to watch! If I had to live on a beach with the the guy I was casually seeing and watch him hand deliver a half-birthday cake to another girl he was hooking up with I would scream. What fresh hell is this place?

We open the episode still not at this dang rose ceremony. The women are in the power position with the roses this week but are already stressing about the next ceremony. The guys are jerking each other off in the pool. But lest the women be concerned with this mediocre bunch, never fear….Adam is here! What?

Apparently this 6 is a hot commodity rn because the women are just that thirsty for someone that hasn’t yet disappointed them by opening their mouth. I am underwhelmed by Adam. Kristina is hopeful that Adam will pick her for the date so she can make Dean jealous move on. This is important to note because Dean will later be blamed for going on a date with someone else. But Adam sees that there is the most competition for Raven so he of course asks her out. Cool cool cool.

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My dad’s face when he walks in the room and sees this on the TV screen

Dean and Kristina have another one of their “talks” which don’t tend to include much talking but a lot of passive aggressive eye contact/avoidance. Dean is not communicating effectively because he’s a little boy. In the wise words of Jack Stone (what? kill me) “Dean is great if you’re in middle school.” At the same time, there have been enough red flags at this point that Kristina should cut her losses and run away. But like the rest of us she has self destructive tendencies in relationships and chooses to continue walking this plank with Dean. I am sad for what is coming.

I can’t tell you one thing Raven and Adam spoke about on their date but I sure didn’t see whatever chemistry Raven apparently did. That’s all I have to say about that.

The rose ceremony is finally here, meaning the men finally decide to get off their asses and talk to the women in an effort to stick around and up their Instagram followers. They all just start sitting down next to every available woman and complimenting them without any awareness of how transparent they’re being. I wish 90% of them would go home and we could just replace their footage with Alexis ITMs.

Ben Z. say one more word about your dog I dare you. It was cute at first and then it was funny and now you just seem like someone who probably has multiple social media accounts for your pet. That being said you’re still light years ahead of Adam IMHO. Raven WUT are you doing.

Robby and Amanda are apparently an item now because that girl loves herself a well-groomed Trump-supporter. Robby is walking around in Sperry Socks with his hair looking such a hot mess that Amanda is like plz don’t kiss me. Robby does not do well in the rain. Robby is an indoor cat. Also, OF COURSE he’s friends with Josh Murray.

Matt and Jasmine had to “take a break” after knowing each other for less than a week so that’s always a good sign. At this point tho Matt seems to have resigned himself to his fate on Paradise as Jasmine’s chokee rather than actually speaking up.

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When you’ve known her three days and she starts talking about engagement

Iggy realizes his chances of getting a rose are slim to none so he goes over to Lacey and says, “You’re Jewish, right?” before butchering a Hebrew blessing he’s reading off an index card. Liiiike maybe try talking to her earlier than 15 min before the rose ceremony? I didn’t have much of an opinion on Lacey other than finding her slightly irritating but after watching her see through the bullshit and make out with Diggy, I’m on board. I will probably regret this statement once Daniel arrives.

Meanwhile Amanda tells Alex he isn’t getting her rose and he is stunned. They had a deal! This rose was promised to him based on their one conversation/blood oath in the first episode! So Alex says he’s “going to try and make the remaining girls tonight feel special.” Go home ya smarmy douche.

Dean finally says words to Kristina and tells her he wants to slow things down. I do give him credit that he did this before the rose ceremony. It was flag number two for Kristina to not invest herself further in this relationship. Also demonstrates that Danielle Lombard’s arrival wasn’t the undoing of these two, they were already on the way there.

The rose ceremony is random af, but Iggy, Nick, Alex, and Vinny go home so…I’m good. Except for Vinny who has had a rough go of it here on Paradise and went out in a death battle with his seat belt while wearing a rose shirt. I’m sure we will all be hearing from his mother.

WHY is no one hollering at Danielle M tho?

Speaking of hot girls named Danielle, “DiLo” (whatever) arrives at the beach and boy are people excited. Even Derek is ready to abandon the one solid Paradise relationship! (Wanna know who never would make a rude joke like that? It rhymes with MANNER(s)). Ben Z thinks she’s got a “good personality” even though she appears to giggle more than she speaks. But no, DiLo asking out a nice hot non-paired man like Ben Z. would be too easy. She’s gotta go for Dean. I mean fine, I get it.

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Actual footage of DiLo’s arrival

Dean agrees to the date. I don’t think he did anything wrong. Yet. He talks to Kristina and accurately points out “she’s an adult.” It’s not like he hasn’t been alluding to this or spoken openly about it with her. It still sucks. The pair head off on an ATV date which is bad news for Kristina because you have to be pretty terrible to not have fun on an ATV. They seem to get along well and Dean reveals she’s the sole woman he scoped out on Instagram before coming to Paradise. Just checked the forecast and it’s not looking good.

Upon his return, Dean respectfully pulls Kristina aside to tell her about the date and their “peck.” This is where we get into murky waters. Homie completely downplays the date and acts like it was meh at best when he’s obviously feeling Danielle. Kristina is hearing “there wasn’t really any romance involved” while DiLo is hearing that he and Kristina “pumped the brakes.” Dean is now sending mixed signals and leading her on. Transition to FuckBoy™ complete.

They’re all having a nice campfire and Kristina is having a nice time at this campfire until Dean leaves to bring a HALF-BIRTHDAY CAKE to Danielle. “I feel like we don’t make a big enough deal about half birthdays around here,” Dean says. Nice save, bruh…This was cringeworthy. Kristina is realizing the situation she’s in now, and is ready to run. But where can she go? It’s Paradise!

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