Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 5

Tonight in Purgatory, we watch a newcomer get bullied for eating seafood with her fingers, which is different I guess. We watch approximately seventeen different “love triangles” NOT unfold because these trash men can’t make a decision to save their lives. And we learn that even our dearest Wells can’t make us like puppets. At least there’s a rose ceremony to provide us with some answers…right? *Throws computer at television*

We open the episode on a game Raven calls “What dat mouf do tho,” which Alexis calls “Guess what’s going in your mouth.” Which most of us just call a taste test. I guess this was relevant to our Paradise plot because Jack Stone no longer wants to give Alexis his rose after she tried to stick a rotting dead crab in his mouth. I understand that I may be in the minority here but liiiike get over it Jack Stone it was funny.

Christen comes in screaming about her virginity. Sorry girl but the cheesy virgin schtick has been taken and copyrighted and turned into a successful blog/podcast already so you’re gonna have to come up with a new thing to make us care about/remember you. Unfortunately for Christen, it’s scallop fingers. But we’ll get to that later.

First Jasmine tells Christen that talking to Matt would be “a waste of time.” Meanwhile Matt is lingering HARD hoping for any woman that might speak to him that isn’t Jasmine. He honestly seems to kind of hate her at this point. He begs Christen to take him and then goes up to Jasmine to “ask” her permission to go on a date he’s already agreed to. Jasmine pretty clearly states that she doesn’t want Matt to go on the date, at which point he says, “RU sure? Ok bye!”

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Sneaky slimy serpent scallop spies

While Christen is mildly annoying, particularly with her deer in the headlights attitude (you did choose to take Matt on the date knowing it would cause drama, which is fine, just own it) Jasmine is significantly more annoying by directing all of her anger at Christen rather than the person she’s actually hurt by, Matt. A lot of these women seem to have missed the memo that other women can’t really “steal” someone from you if they don’t want to go.

But alas, this is Paradise, so Matt goes on the date unscathed, while Jasmine actively rallies  the rest of the cast against Christen because she ordered scallops to-go one time and can’t be trusted. I’m not personally the biggest scallop fan so I can’t say how against-protocol eating a scallop with your fingers is, but it just doesn’t sound like a very egregious offense to me. That being said, being secretly nick-named “Scallop Fingers” seems like just about the most embarrassing Paradise plot-line I can recall, and after a few minutes it stopped being funny and started feeling mean. If it were really just a joke, Christen would be in on it.

On their date, Matt and Christen order the same kind of ice cream and he watches her try on bikinis. I would say that’s not a lot of information for us to go off of but that seems to be pretty standard these days so whatever. They come back and Jasmine literally jumps onto Matt and eats his face while Christen watches and smiles awkwardly. I’m uncomfortable.

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BIP producers are so extra

If the scallops weren’t enough, Christen really does herself in by hugging Amanda with a piece of shrimp in her hands. Amanda says, “She’s eating shrimp. Like not even on a plate, just eating shrimp.” What a disgusting bitch. Are we all forgetting that Alexis, creator of Scallop Fingers, picked up a dead crab earlier and stuck half of it in a person’s mouth and everybody loved it? But sure, eating shrimp cocktail with your hands is weirder. Am I really writing about this?

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This is probably a sign it’s time to hang up your reality TV hat

The group is all playing Scattergories (Does it make me a loser that the best part of Paradise seems like the board games?) and Robby is throwing a twenty-pack of glow sticks in a hot tub as a romantic surprise for Amanda. Is that safe? He pulls her away from the game. Amanda is always getting dragged out of fun group hangs so a guy she’s not into can “talk to her for a sec.” Robby shows Amanda his hot tub full of glow sticks. He wanted to do something special for her. “That’s cute,” Amanda says. I feel myself lose a few more brain cells.

Because we have one sort of nice thing in Paradise (Derek and Taylor) we have to ruin that too. They are having a seemingly innocuous discussion about their relationship when Derek just goes, “Fuck you.” Can we have one nice boy in Paradise?! Just one? But honestly this whole argument seemed so heavily edited and weird that I wouldn’t be surprised if that moment wasn’t as abrupt as it was portrayed.

I am praying that we get to a rose ceremony so these men have to make a god damn decision. Adam talks to Raven and says he likes the challenge and chase and makes out with her. Adam talks to Sarah and tells her he likes how open and transparent she is and makes out with her. Am I missing something here ADAM? Because those are two opposite things that you say that you like.

Diggy, bless his soul, actually squashes his love triangle before the rose ceremony, and pulls Lacey aside to tell her how he’s feeling. She yells at him that she chased him from the beginning and he went on a date 41 minutes after theirs. Bishhh, this is kind of how this show works and you literally only took him because no one else wanted to go with you. So plz don’t go making the one decent guy here feel like an asshole for doing the decent thing and being upfront with you. Go home Lacey, before I have to cringe-watch you and Daniel making out on my screen.

On to the shittiest of triangles. DEAN. MAKE A DECISION. If you were really considering Kristina’s feelings more than your own you wouldn’t be mackin on D-Lo five seconds later. Dean is that dangerous guy that kisses your forehead and strokes your hair and then fucks you over before you can say “Tequila soda with a splash of pineapple.” He tells both women how infatuating and special they are to him. And he sweetly tells D-Lo, “I was never expecting you to be as interesting as you are.” I’m done with you Dean. We’re over.

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The lean tells all

Amanda finally relents and makes out with Robby with all the passion of the dead crab. Taylor and Derek make up over a lot of shrink-y talk. Jasmine tells Matt to chill out; completely misses the irony. Matt runs away rather than picking between Jasmine and Christen.

There is no rose ceremony, but instead Daniel arrives. WHO thought this was an even trade? Good fucking night. But ladies, we need to talk. Sarah, if he calls you “a different kind of firework,” leave his ass. Kristina, if he calls you “the right choice” as opposed to “the exciting choice” leave his ass. All of you beautiful, sometimes intelligent ladies, LEAVE HIS ASS, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIS HARRISON.

 

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One thought on “Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Episode 5

  1. Sarah is a Roman candle and Raven is an m-80. This episode was so cringe-worthy. I’m actually stoked for Daniel.
    You girls rule!

    Like

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