Back in Paradise, Christen is apparently “in on the joke” about eating shellfish with her hands, we STILL are not seeing a rose ceremony, and Daniel has arrived.
Lacey is SO excited to see Daniel, like definitely more excited than anyone has ever been to see Daniel in his life. She calls him “witty” and “smart,” and I’m just out here wondering if we’re talking about the same dude right now. Daniel is absolutely terrible to her and does not reciprocate her level of interest whatsoever, but nevertheless she persisted. After he refers to her as the “leftover scraps” and calls her “creepy” for waiting for him, Lacey decides this is the man of her Paradise dreams.
I am genuinely unsure of how Daniel goes about living his day-to-day life. Imagine him at the bank or the grocery store. Does he drive a car? How does he manage? The following quotes are real things Daniel said this episode:
“You can play with my balls.”
“I want a girl who’s not just interested in my rose, but interested in my dick.”
“The last time I had a date was when Caitlyn Jenner was a man.”
“I thought you were a virgin.” – said in response to Christen saying she has eaten Canadian bacon before.
“I’m the result of a Mexican wrestler having intercourse with a Teletubbie”
When it’s finally time for the rose ceremony, Daniel is up first. He unenthusiastically picks Lacey, saving her from the brink of complete mental breakdown. Jack picks Christen because they kissed one time and now he shall make a suit from her skin. Matt, who previously left without giving his rose to anyone, has returned to give his rose to Jasmine, only to leave again. He thinks he’s doing a really nice thing, allowing Jasmine to stay for another week even if he’s gone, but Jasmine is pissed. She accepts his rose but states definitively that he is dead to her, which brings the “dead to Jasmine” count up to like, 10 people at this point. The girl goes from zero to dead-to-me faster than you can say “chokey.” Taylor accepts Derek’s rose even though he just told her to go fuck herself with a hot curling iron. Amanda accepts Robby’s gross rose. Dominique accepts Diggy’s. Raven accepts Adam’s rose, leaving Sarah behind. This is a little sad – Raven is so clearly not going to stick with Adam and Sarah was SO into him. But whatever, I want to keep Raven around for the rest of the season, so this works for me.
Next up is literal piece of shit Dean. I have not done such a complete 180 on someone in Paradise since Nick Viall last summer. Dean gives his rose to Kristina, but slips Ben Z. a cool hundo to pick Danielle so he can continue
getting to know both of them making them both cry. After the rose ceremony, him and Kristina seem happy as she dares him to get a boner with only the strength of his filthy mind. Wait. What on God’s green earth did I just watch?
The next morning, the gang is awoken by screaming lucha libre wrestlers because why not. They give Daniel a date card, which Lacey claims was “given to Daniel with the intention of him asking me.” Daniel tries his luck on virtually every woman in Paradise before settling on Lacey. Thank God he picked her. As gross as this duo is, I’d rather watch them on a date than watch Lacey sob and lament how bad things always happen to her. Lacey, there’s people that are dying. Anyway, their wresting date goes fine and they make out a bunch later. Mazel tov, you two.
Kristina and Dean “spent the night together” and we all got to experience the uniquely sickening display of Dean’s strong morning wood. These. Producers. Are. So. Extra!!!!!!!! This whole thing is made so much worse by Dean’s nonstop equivocation about the two women he’s stringing along. He says to Diggy, “Kristina is just so much more, like, perceptive and smart, and is an interesting person altogether, But D.Lo is just so fucking hot.” This is textbook fuckboy shit. Both of them deserve someone far more mature than Dean, who probably means well at heart, but is terrorizing two women who have offered him unending patience.
I’m glad Dean went on Paradise and showed us all how terrible he is at relationships and communication – he saved us from a really bad season of The Bachelor with him at the helm. Now, I can fully understand how someone can be attracted to two people at once, even how a purely physical attraction can jeopardize a deeper emotional connection, and I do not blame Dean for this. But he has handled it so poorly at every step of the way. Sleeping with Kristina and then making out with D.Lo in the pool right in front of Kristina’s face is so wildly disrespectful. And telling D.Lo she’s someone he could “fall in love with” is just a straight-up lie, considering what he just told Diggy about her. Dean, if you want to fuck around, FINE, but be honest about it. If you want a relationship, FINE, but be honest about it. Take a page from Diggy’s book and break the news to one of these women head-on. Don’t just keep telling each women that you “want to know where their head is at.” That doesn’t mean anything. Kristina literally ends this episode by saying “Right now, I think the orphanage is better than Paradise.” CONGRATULATIONS DEAN. This woman fled forced prostitution in Russia for the United States, got rich and famous on a reality TV show, and you are so remarkably shitty that she literally thinks the former is preferable to the latter. You have turned a carefree beach vacation into something worse than a Dostoevsky novel.
On a lighter note, Tickle Monster is here…… I’m genuinely upset that he has gone this long under the “tickle” schtick without ever telling anyone he is a legit doctor who fucking delivers babies and shit? Ooooooo baby what is you doin? Why are you playing this tired tickle persona when you have so much more to offer? He’s still a pretty weird guy, but he pickins are as slim as ever, so these thirsty bitches are actually all over him. He chooses Christen for his date and they both get really sweaty and eat greasy seafood with their hands. I am ill watching this date.
Now, for the *sixth* fucking time, we are addressing the Corinne-Demario issue. Corinne handled herself really well, despite Chris Harrison’s incessant reminders of how terrible this has been for Demario. I really don’t understand why he needed to keep reminding her that Demario was *also* suffering through this ordeal. She surely knows that, and Demario has had significantly more time to explain his side of the story than Corinne has. Let her have a single moment to share her story. She seems very genuinely affected by everything that went down, and I’m certain this was an absolute nightmare for her too. It’s perfectly plausible that she was totally blacked out but appeared to be lucid – some people stumble, slur their words, and throw up when they drink too much, but some people appear totally alert and present. Corinne doesn’t blame anyone for failing to notice that she was blacked out, because she didn’t appear to be out of control of her faculties. This could not have been easy for Corinne to live through, and I wish that ABC had given her a more equal chance at sharing her side, rather than focusing on Demario and the rest of the cast for five full episodes, poisoning the well before we even got to hear from Corinne once. At least now, hopefully, this is over and we can stop hearing about it from such a wack-ass, manipulated reality TV point of view.