I know we’re all still reeling from the shit storm that was Bachelor In Paradise this year and the moronic and devastating decision by ABC to pick a five-seasons-ago-has-been instead of a man chiseled by the gods, Peter Gap-Tooth (that’s his last name I checked). I’m not even going to mention He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named because it will just get me upset all over again.
On the bright side, we have a slew of future Instagram Influencers to judge the shit out of for their answers to ABC’s dumb questions they got off some Table Topics cards. Get this, only four of them are named Lauren! I’ve included only the answers I found most amusing/stupid, so feel free to peruse the normal contests I left out here.
Occupation: Business Owner
Lunch with three people, alive or dead? Kim Kardashian, Steve Jobs, and my grandpa.
LOL I’d pay to see this dinner, specifically Kim K trying to talk “tech” to Steve Jobs because of her iPhone game. While a random grandpa just chills in the corner.
Occupation: Event Designer
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? Any Disney character that has a happily ever after with a prince. Or Leela from Futurama because she is a badass and Fry loves her to the moon and back.
Literally wants to be any character that is married. Simply because they’re married. Do you wanna get married?
Occupation: Real Estate Agent
All-time favorite movies: No Country for Old Men, The Family Stone, and Superbad.
I didn’t know there was anyone out there who actually enjoyed The Family Stone.
What’s the most embarrassing thing you listen to? Country (when I’m feeling sad) or the Sister Act 2 soundtrack, which I don’t think is embarrassing at all, but my friends disagree.
I should mention that this is not the first time in her bio answers that Becca brought up Sister Act 2. I’m not mad.
What are five things you can’t live without? Chapstick, facial lotion, bobby pins, popcorn, and stamps.
Stamps….??? Are stamps really an essential life or death item for you in 2017 Becca? Baby what is you doin….
Occupation: Executive Assistant
Would you consider yourself a lover of art? Yes. Wish I could be art
Bibiana is so artsy she wants to BE the art. I actually have no idea what this answer means.
What is your highest athletic achievement? Rookie of the Year as a Miami Dolphins cheerleader and being co-captain of the team.
What is your least favorite sport? Football. Weird, since I was a cheerleader, but I secretly hated the games.
Only weird that you literally made a career out of cheering for a sport that you hate.
Do you have any pets? No dogs yet. I’m waiting for someone to co-parent a dog with! I do have a plant, his name is Phil.
Someone get this lady some friends.
If you could have lunch with three people, who would you choose? Vince Vaughn, Betty White, and Ryan Reynolds. It would be a blast of a lunch and we’d pretend it was Betty’s birthday at a Hibachi restaurant!
Alright calm down Carol, why do you sound like you already wrote some fan fic about this scenario?
What’s the most embarrassing thing you listen to? I do BLAST Celine Dion in the car and put on a good concert by myself.
Wow you sing to loud music in the car? You’re quirky Caroline. Also Celine is an icon so shut your damn mouth.
What does being married mean to you? It means waking up next to your best friend forever. It means never quitting. It means never being too old to be silly or dance in the rain.
Occupation: Television Host
What are your favorite sports? Snowboarding, wake surfing, weight lifting, running, spin, Crossfit, yoga and pilates.
We get it Jess, you work out.
I love it when my date… kisses me. Kissing is my favorite food. Lol.
Um WHAT? That’s not a food. Also who specifically likes kissing that much are you 12?
Do you have any family holiday or special event traditions that you plan to uphold? Every year my family and I build homes for homeless families in Mexico. We have built 20 homes and I plan to continue every year!
Guarantee this girl will be the bitch of the season.
Occupation: Creative Director
If you could be any animal, which one and why? Bat – flying mammal! My sister said my spirit animal was a bat because I see beauty in dark things.
Well I’m intrigued.
What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? I once drove a car off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. No lie.
Wtf are you doing during your spare time Kendall, robbing banks? This is a literal scene from The Italian Job.
What are five things you can’t live without? Reading, family, love, curiosity and cheese.
I have no problems with this.
What is the most romantic present you have ever received and why? My ex gave me an alligator hand holding an iron heart in a jar! I collect taxidermy so it was sweet to me.
Damn it Kendall you were doing so well.
Occupation: Fitness Coach
If you could be an animal, which one and why? Unicorn because those who believe in magic will find it.
Krystal definitely has a sequined pillow in her apartment that says “Mermaid Vibes.”
Are you a country or a city person? Can you ever take the country out of the girl?
Another way of saying “I’ll vote conservative until the day that I die”
Occupation: Tech Salesperson
If you could break any law, with no repercussions, which law, and why? I wish I could drive as fast as I want.
You could murder someone and you’re just gonna speed? WEAK, LAUREN B.
Occupation: Recent Masters Graduate
What are five things you can’t live without? Mama, my nephews, porch swings, mascara and love.
Did you take that out of a Miranda Lambert song? Do you also love fireflies at night and warm pecan pie?
What’s your guilty pleasure? Eating full meals in bed. Like putting a legit body towel over me and ordering pizza – no plates needed.
I really didn’t expect to share a passion with this woman after her first answers but she might have just placed herself at the top of my list.
Occupation: Social Media Manager
If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? Literally anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad.
Who is your favorite author, and why? J.K. Rowling because she invented Harry Potter. I’m a nerd.
O rly Lauren are you a huge nerd bc you read Harry Potter? Ur so different.
If you could be any fruit or vegetable, which one would you be? Avocado – it’s the perfect food.
“HMM,” Lauren S. thinks to herself. “How can I round up my basic survey answers in the most basic way possible?”
Occupation: Orthopedic Nurse
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why? Mulan. She pretended to be a man and went to war. How badass is that? Or Willy Wonka. The man had his own chocolate factory!
Ok like I definitely admire Mulan but do you actually want to have to hide your gender and defend China from a violent invasion in place of your handicapped father? Do you actually want to get down to business and defeat the huns? General Li was hot and all but I’d much rather be an eccentric murderer living in a chocolate factory. If those are my only two options.
Occupation: Marketing Associate
Who do you admire the most in the world and why? My mother. Having a child at a young age and continuing her education as a nurse is not an easy task. She made me into the woman I have become today.
Imagine working your ass off as a single mother while also attending school just so your child could grow up with all the opportunity in the world and become a….contestant on the Bachelor. (Don’t worry Olivia I’ll send ya some tips on coping with parents who are disappointed in your life choices.)
Occupation: Commercial Real Estate Manager
What’s your favorite holiday? New Year’s Eve – new beginnings and lots of champagne.
Is NYE about new beginnings? I thought it was about being a shitty person for one more day of the year.
If you won the lottery, what would you do with your winnings? Buy each of my family members their dream homes and then travel the world and do philanthropic work.
I smell bullshit.
Occupation: Physical Therapist
Looks like a hybrid of Jojo and Becca.
Tattoos: Yes, owl on my tricep, “Patience” on my wrist, “Mama & Papa” on my left foot, “Peace” on my right foot.
Lemme guess up next is an underboob tat that says “Breathe.”
If you could be any animal, which one and why? Leopard – sly, quick, sassy, beautiful.
Leopards r so sassy. Every time I see a leopard I’m like look at that sassy jungle predator go
If you could be a fictional character, who would you be, and why? Olivia Pope because she’s a badass.
I thought we’d be over the Scandal mentions by now….Olivia Pope sucks.
What is the best trip you have ever been on and why? Cancun to a random swingers resort. HA! It was actually fun.
HA! I’m going to need more information on this.
Are you a good cook? I can make a good smoothie. I make great reservations. I do not like to cook with meat.
None of these statements answered the question wierdo.
What is a typical Saturday night like for you? I typically work Saturday nights, but I’d love to dress up in a killer outfit, head to downtown Nashville, bar hop with friends and take lots of crazy photos.
I bet your photos are really crazy. I bet we’ve never seen anything like them all over Instagram.
Come back for an equally harsh recap of the premiere January 1st! My personal resolution is to waste even more of my life discussing this flaming dumpster of a show.