The Bachelor: Premiere

The Bachelor is back for another season and Drunk & Hungry is here to guide you through the nonsense! Please join us on this #AmazingJourney.

So…….I’m still trying really hard to get used to Arie as our lead. I didn’t start watching the show until Juan Pablo’s season (remember how fucking great Juan Pablo’s season was?) so I had absolutely no idea who Arie was when ABC announced him as the next bachelor. He’s 36 and has salt and pepper hair, so everyone is acting like they plucked him from a retirement community in West Palm and wheeled him over to the mansion for one final romp. Arie, don’t you know that in Bachelor Nation, it’s okay to be either over 35 *OR* going grey, but not both? Nick Viall is 37, but still rocking a young man’s head of hair, and Peter Kraus is a Just For Men Touch of Greymodel but holding on to his youth at a cool 32. Arie, I’m sorry but we cannot accept you as you are and all these bitches have no choice but to make jokes about your old ass for the entire season.

We’re also clearly going to be subjected to a good deal of racecar jokes this season. Arie opened with “this is the most important race of my life” and two girls arrived at the mansion in cars. My icebreaker would def be something about how “racecar” is a palindrome but idk I’m still working out the deets. 

For those of us who weren’t members of #BachNaysh five years ago when Ancient Arie was a contestant, we saw a quick recap of his love story and ultimate heartbreak. Seems like pretty standard stuff – he told Emily he loved her just before some fireworks went off and then got dumped on whichever Caribbean island won the tourism board bidding war for ABC’s promotional work in 2012. These days, Arie has a career in real estate and lives in Arizona with his fellow senior citizens.

ABC is treating us to the same shit as usual – the obligatory B-roll footage of his rose-themed photoshoot, a few stock quotes about how he can’t believe he’s the next bachelor, and the annual visit from Sean and Catherine. I wanted to be snarky about how often Sean still appears on the show, but their lil bebe was so cute I got distracted. That baby legitimately looks like it was created by putting Sean and Catherine’s faces into one of those online baby face generators.

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Your words, not mine.

Time to meet this season’s women and Instagram’s next round of paid advertisers!

First up is Chelsea, a 29 year-old single mom from Portland, ME. She’s in real estate and has a very stiff face. She is also TOTALLY this season’s villain. I’m pretty here for it because usually the single moms on this show are like, actual angels. Bring on tha bitch momma. Caroline is also in real estate. She shows houses to clients in bodycon cutout dresses, which is interesting. She also says she “grew up around cars” which is not at all interesting because literally everyone in the modern United States grew up around cars.

Next up is Maquel, a professional photographer from Utah. She’s 23 and somehow NOT the youngest contestant this season. Nysha is a nurse from South Carolina who loves blood and skydiving. Tia is a physical therapist from Weiner, Arkansas. I’m sooooo here for her weiner jokes. She’s also friends with Raven so I’m rooting for her already! The clips of her visiting Raven’s janky strip mall boutique were a welcomed addition. Kendall is a quirky-ass ukulele playing taxidermist, so that’s cool.

Bekah is a nanny from LA, and from the looks of her Instagram, she’s trying to get famous. Most of these women probably are too, but Bekah isn’t even trying to hide it. Apparently, her age becomes an issue later on in the season. It wasn’t included in her bio, but I did some digging and found out she’s 22. That’s…..very young. The average age of all of these contestants is a meager 27, and the oldest of all of them is 33 (and she gets sent home night one!). I don’t think it’s impossible for a 22 year-old and a 36 year-old to have a relationship, and I don’t want to blanket-judge any relationship with an age gap, but I also think it would be reasonable to expect ABC to cobble together a group of slightly older women to match their slightly older bachelor. Arie is likely to end up with a woman ten years his junior at the end of this, and then we’ll all have to pretend to be shocked when they call off their engagement within a few months. They tapped a 36 year-old dude from literally 12 seasons ago to be their lead, but finding a couple of women over 30 is just a bridge too far for ABC.

Next up is Marikh, who owns an Indian restaurant with her mom and is very pretty. Krystal is an “online health and fitness coach” with a deep, sexy voice. Her story about her brother is really sad and I’m not looking forward to watching the producers exploit her tragic family background by forcing her to reveal it to Arie over a cold meal at a hotel restaurant around week 5.

Caroline is the first out of the limo, so that’s a good sign for her, unless ABC has decided to stop making the winner so fucking annoyingly obvious from the premiere. Next up is Chelsea, Kendall, Seinne, Tia, and a lot of other women with real job titles! I’m talkin’ graphic designers, television hosts, sports reporters! Good for these bitches. Arie was mostly boring throughout the intros, and nothing the women planned really stood out to me. Everyone freaked out about the Mustang and the race car, but IMO, no one planned anything even remotely “Cupcake”-worthy. I also noticed a few of the girls wore short dresses this year. I don’t really have any astute commentary about that, it’s just one of my assorted limo introduction thoughts. Four Laurens arrived in a row, which I’m sure was a total coincidence and not at all planned. Whatever though, in fifteen years the limo exits are literally gonna be alternating Bellas, Sophias, and Avas, so I can handle a few Laurens this time around. At least none of the Laurens asked Arie to sniff their FUCKING ARMPITS or told him how many dicks they see on the daily.

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I can’t believe this didn’t work!

Annaliese came dressed up as the “kissing bandit,” which I guess is a reference to something that happened on Arie’s last season, which was literally during Obama’s first term. I don’t know much about her but I got irrationally angry that she didn’t take her mask off once she got inside, so now I hate her.

Once all the women have been introduced, Chelsea was the first to “steal” Arie, so she’s 100% confirmed as this season’s villain. She also committed the ultimate Bachelor cardinal sin of going back for seconds before everyone else got firsts! Her aggression is effective, as she snags a smooch and the first impression rose. The rest of the women are pissssssssed but ya gotta do what ya gotta do I guess. Looks like we have a classic case of a contestant who is #NotHereToMakeFriends.

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TFW you’re playing right into the producers’ hands.

The women are doing classic night one stuff, like massaging Arie’s feet and telling him about their deceased fathers. With 29 contestants and only a few hours of time, some of the women are left scraping and clawing to hopefully get 30 seconds with Arie before an interruption. A good idea would be reducing the number of women to, say 25 or less, so they can all exchange at least a brief “whaddup” with a man they’re supposed to get engaged to, but ABC doesn’t really *do* good ideas.

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When you have to bust out your old Canon PowerShot because you’re not allowed to have a cell phone in the Bachelor Prison Mansion.

Lauren G. had the line of the night with “there could be potential between me and this handsome white man!” Please sign my Change.org petition to make “This Handsome White Man” the new name of this TV show.

Another line that really blew me away came from Arie’s conversation with Krystal:

“I wanna know more about you since our time is so limited.” – Arie

“I’m a Libra.” – Krystal

And another gem came from his conversation with Bekah:

“Tell me three things that make you excited to be alive.” – Bekah

“Excitement.” – Arie

I REALLY HATE EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW.

After Arie sufficiently got to know each woman on a deep, intimate level, he handed out roses. Chelsea already had the first impression rose, and Becca got the first one during the ceremony. Eight women went home: Ali, Amber, Brittane, Bri, Lauren J., Nysha, and Olivia, but none more sad than Jessica, who exited with the line “Now my dad will never meet my husband.” Jesus fucking Christ, that is a dark thing to say upon exiting the BACHELOR MANSION.

Finally, we were treated to the always-misleading sneak peek of the full season. Looks like they head to Tuscany and Paris, and Krystal and Tia both drop L-bombs in the preview. Chelsea upsets a lot of contestants by making out with Arie in front of everyone, but I’m honestly just impressed they achieved that level of freakiness on a moving Jetski! I’m definitely looking forward to Bibiana’s breakdown and Chelsea quoting Meredith Brooks’ classic hit “Bitch” in her retort. I’m also heartened to see that ABC still thinks we’re going to fall for that trick where they use footage from whatever physical activity they do on a group date to make it look like there was actually a fight in the preview. Bekah and Krystal seem to hate each other, so I’ll bet they end up on the 2:1 date together. Bekah’s age becomes an issue, because duh. And someone’s boyfriend comes back – he has a southern accent so maybe he belongs to Tia. Or maybe I’m profiling.

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TEA WILL BE SPILLED THIS SEASON, BITCHES.

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